Confessions of Saints: Brains on the Wall
by BossOfTheThirdStreetSaints
Summary: Everybody can fall ill. Even Saints. The problem is keeping it to yourself. Especially when it starts scraping it's jagged nails across the walls of your skull and whispering nasty things in your ear with sweet tones. Makes it kinda hard not to listen... Not gonna lie. Shit is gonna get weird here so be prepared...
1. Acknowledgement

**Boss: Gotta clear some shit up here first before you try to read this.**

 **1\. My boss suffers from certain issues for a reason.**

 **2\. Shit that I write can take a turn for the dark real fast, which is why I classified it with a possible horror genre depending on the direction I take it in. It could possibly change.**

 **3\. Everyone is included in the story but there's more based on the relationship between the Boss and Johnny. I love the boss and Johnny.**

 **4\. The farther I go, the more swearing there will be.**

 **5\. I also have a huge affinity for horror games so if things here get horrific, do NOT be surprised.**

 **6\. I'm also hella funny. Shit can be hella funny here.**

 **7\. If there are any questions, feel free to ask. Just don't be a dick about it. Please.**

 **8\. Manipulation of the** **simulation based on the mental state of a character will also be incorporated in order to make it more personal to the character, namely my Boss.**

 **9\. I will try to be as spot on with the characters as I can but if they get a bit ooc, don't be surprised.**

 **10\. This isn't a typical Saints Row fic. I have a tendency to make shit a bit deeper than they primarily are. I do that because it makes the characters feel more real to me.**

 **I guess that's it. Reviews are appreciated. I can take constructive criticism. Just please don't be a dick. Oh, and:**

 **11\. I have never written a sex scene. Don't expect one. If one appears in here, it'll be my first and will more than likely not go into detail, but will be heavily insinuated.**

 **Okay, I think that's it. Enjoy.**

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The universe was pretty much at their fingertips. They ruled over an entire alien empire, they had the power of time travel, they had the most deadly man in the world back at their side, and a number of other advantages, but...that didn't change things for the Boss. For Kano. Funny enough, despite how quickly she came to run the world and how cocky and sarcastic she was, despite how confident the air about her was, she had secrets she managed to keep all these years, even from the Saints. But that was coming to an alarming end soon and she couldn't stop it. She didn't want to admit it and if she could help it, she still wouldn't.

Kano was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and severe social anxiety when she was young before she joined the Saints. She was smart, though. Not a word of her issues were breathed when she got in, hence all her time in silence. She wouldn't risk it. If they were to find out, she would've been out the fucking door, so she made sure to keep her medication hidden and all of her personal issues to herself. Even after she became the boss (and then the fucking POTUS), not a word of her mental disorders was ever mentioned at any point. Not even to Johnny, the one person in the universe that she trusted without question or reason needed. Currently, she was sitting atop one of the towers after collecting the data clusters atop each of the platforms, simply looking at everything. She ran a gloved hand through her unruly black and iridescent pink hair that everyone oh so lovingly dubbed her 'anime hair' and let out a deep sigh. She had fallen into one of her 'fits' as she liked to call them and decided to go into the simulation and do what she did best, starting with shooting a random cop and ending with a pile of dead Zin strewn across the streets below her tower. Even after going through her little homicidal rampage, it only half helped. The anxiety slowed down, only to give way to the depression afterwards. Unlike her normal self, there was no sarcastic remark or pun when she was done. Just silence. Complete silence. She hadn't said a word since she came into the simulation. She couldn't stop enough, despite her normal act, the Boss was also very intelligent. She could even understand some of the shit Kinzie said, but still needed clarification from time to time and let's be real, sometimes it was just fun to see Kinzie's eyes roll like a slot machine when she had to repeat herself without using her extensive vocabulary. But her last conversation with Kinzie frazzled her.

"Of course I'm excited about time travel!", she exclaimed, "But we still have to be careful about how we use it. Interfering with the chain of events that have passed can severely alter how things are in the present. Something as simple as stopping Zinyak from taking Johnny could result in the invasion not only taking place sooner, but could also result in the possibility of Zinyak deciding to just blow up Earth anyway when he's shown how hard you're willing to fight to go against him, meaning there is no chance of stopping him because we're all dead. That would mean you guys would have never expanded and recruited me or Oleg or Viola, you wouldn't have ended up becoming the president, Matt would have never become MI6 and end up helping us anyway. It's like dominos, Boss. Even interacting with certain people can change how things play out. All I'm saying is that we have to be careful how we decide to use it. If I can figure out how to keep the world from exploding while simultaneously keeping what we have at our disposal, I'll let you know. Just PLEASE don't…well, don't be you when you decide to go between times, okay?"

It always made her laugh when Kinzie gave her 'don't be you' warnings when it came to certain things. Oh, she was a genius, but she really had no idea. Kano didn't have a 'you'. She had certain habits that remained constant, but she didn't know what exactly she meant when she told her not to be her. She was stressing out and getting moody and she knew why. When the earth blew up, EVERYTHING was gone. Including the medication that she had to take for her issues, which wasn't a big deal to her. The problem started a week later. What some people don't know about certain medications prescribed for problems like anxiety, depression, and mental issues similar to it is that you're NEVER supposed to just suddenly stop taking it out of nowhere for no reason because it could result in a psychotic break since the medicine is to help regulate certain chemicals in your brain and the sudden halt will cause more harm than good and could even result in having to go into 72 hour psych lock up (an issue she knew all too well). It had been a few weeks since then and it was taking it's toll on her. Bad. But again, it wasn't like she could tell somebody why she was moodier than normal. She couldn't tell Pierce why she stopped singing in the car with him when they drove around simulated Steelport despite how much he knew she loved music. Couldn't tell Shaundi why she stopped wanting to hang with her and her young, fun past counterpart as they continued catching up on their past shenanigans. Couldn't tell Kinzie why she didn't respond to their usual back and forth light hearted banter. Couldn't tell Asha why she didn't feel like sparring with her or doing training simulations with her to help keep her skills sharp. Couldn't tell Ben why she didn't have it in her to be his muse for his book that he was so soaked up in writing. Couldn't tell Keith why she didn't feel like reminiscing with him about their days in the White Crib and all of the wild things that happened during their campaign. Couldn't tell Matt why she didn't want to review the latest installment of his beloved Nyteblade expanded universe fiction even though she did have more of an interest in it since his simulation. Couldn't tell CID why she didn't snap back at him like usual every time he played Captain Obvious with his remarks. And what broke even more was that she couldn't tell Johnny anything at all. He knew her the longest. He noticed the changes. Even approached her multiple times about it, to which she responded with a bullshit excuse about how being in the simulation all the time was kinda starting to take a toll on her and she just needed to recuperate from time to time. In a way, he knew that was absolute shit, but he didn't push. Johnny was fully aware of how often she would be in the simulation and for how long. It didn't surprise anybody if the boss took a little time to just pull herself together before jumping right back in. They depended on the Boss a lot and they all knew it.

Kano stood from her spot at the top of the tower and looked down. When they first began to take over the simulations, the towers sometimes blew her mind, especially after Kinzie began to incorporate the fragmented data clusters into her coding, giving her the ability to jump impossible heights. But now, they didn't seem so high up any more. Of course after everything that happened, the simulation would start losing some of it's impressiveness, but this was different. Nothing was impressive anymore. At least, not to the boss.

"Hey, Boss", she suddenly heard Kinzie say. /span/p

"What's up?", Kano responded.

"I was going through the simulation and found that one of the rogue programs managed to respawn. I've already fixed the problem in the coding, I just need you to take out the program real quick". Kano nodded./

"Got it. Anything else I need to do while I'm here?"

"Nope. That should be it". A small cut in the white noise after Kinzie spoke let her know that she was once again alone and she looked down before kicking off the ledge and free falling from the tower. Despite how many times she went and played in traffic to disrupt the system, she couldn't help but wonder what would happen if she just decided to face plant the asphalt beneath her but she rolled her eyes. Like Hell she was gonna give her crew MORE of a reason to get nosey. A crater formed around her as the heel of her boot slammed into the concrete, putting her just a few feet in front of the respawned program and she let out an exasperated groan upon seeing which one it was.

"What the fuck is this dramatic irony bullshit?" she mumbled, looking at her past self. She almost wanted to say this was like one of Matt's fan fictions except poorly written and not as well executed. "No, you know what? Fuck it. I don't even care why you're the one that respawned", she ranted as she activated her fire buff and pulled out her smgs, proceeding to blow the program to bits. "I am NOT putting up with this shit today".

Kano's eyes opened as she came out of the simulation. She stepped down from the platform and ran her hands over her face, careful not to accidentally pull any piercings or smudge any makeup on her face. At this point, she just wanted to sleep and contemplated kicking CID out of his makeshift 'love nest' but she didn't feel like even having to interact with the agitating ball of shiny metal and unprovoked sass, so she peeked around the corner to see if Pierce was on the couch and thankfully, he wasn't. The second she laid across the couch and rested her arm over her eyes, footsteps could be heard walking towards her and she silently huffed out a 'fuck me running' before lowering her arm.

"What did I forget to do now?" she said before opening her eyes to see it was Matt. He crouched beside her like an excited child.

"Nothing! But I really need you to look over this!" he said, setting a laptop into her lap.

"Well, what is it?" she asked as she sat up to clearly look at the screen. "Doesn't look like anything for the simulations"

"It's my latest installment to the Nyteblade EU and I really think you'll like this one! I can honestly say this is some of my best work!". Kano let out a small breath and bit her lip.

"Matty, I don't know if-"

"You didn't read the last one I wrote", he pouted,"at least read this one. I promise you'll absolutely love it!". She threw her hands up in defeat.

"Alright, alright. I'll read it". Her red brown eyes began to read down the lines a bit quickly at first, but the more she read, the slower she went before turning her attention to Matt.

"You…you actually wrote me into it?" she asked, skimming back over all of the details in the story. From her constant sarcasm and swearing to the small victory smirk that crossed her features when things went her way. He nailed every detail.

"I mean considering how everything worked out in the simulation you accompanied me in and how you left everything to me, I figured I could show some appreciation by making you a bit of a reoccurring character here and there. And the fact you didn't shoot me when you found out you were the sidekick in my other story", he awkwardly chuckled. "And you seemed pretty into it once I broke it all down. Asha still won't give my 'paranormal bromance' a chance, but I wrote her in anyway". Kano let out a small laugh. "No need to thank me", he said, especially proud of himself, "I know it's wonderful"

"Yes, it is, Matt", she agreed as he made his way back to his little corner of the ship. In a way, that interaction lifted her spirits a little. It was cute in a childlike way that he showed his appreciation through including people in something he loved even if they didn't like it as much. Again, she laid back down on the couch, her arm back over her eyes, attempting to doze off which was almost successful until she felt her legs being lifted and sat back down onto a lap after someone else sat at the end of the couch.

"So, you gonna tell me what's up now or are you gonna bullshit some more for the next week?". There it was. The no bullshit tone of Johnny Gat who was waiting to see if she was ready to be honest with him or not. She sighed, keeping her arm over her face. If she even attempted to look at him, she might just vomit up her whole life story and she wasn't going to make him sit through that train wreck.

"Haven't decided yet", she mumbled, already attempting to curve the conversation that hadn't even started yet.

"Boss. Drop it already. You never turn down a murder spree and yet, you all of a sudden don't have the energy for it for the past few weeks?" he said. She shrugged.

"Taking down an alien empire kinda takes a lot out of you"

"And yet, when you go into the simulations on your own, you kill everything that even looks like it's thinking of moving".

"Nice to know that you're watching my every movement", she sarcastically remarked. It wasn't like she didn't want to tell him. He was her oldest and best friend and it made her sick that there was a part to her that she kept hidden from him after everything that they had been through together. Especially with what happened with Aisha.

"I've had your back for a long ass time, Boss. And I know you've had mine. Even risked everyone else's skin just to come and find me based on the feeling you had. So what's the problem now?"

"What makes you so sure something's wrong, Johnny?". Johnny turned his gaze to her, only being met with the tattoos across her forearm.

"I have a feeling. And plus, how the fuck can something be wrong when you're pretty much ruler of the fucking galaxy?" he pseudo joked, making Kano kinda laugh. Well, he had her there.

"I'm just dealing with some shit right now. No big deal"

"I'd believe that if this wasn't something that's been happening for weeks. Now, quit givin' me the run around. I ain't Asha. I'm not gonna accept some passive bullshit just to avoid possibly being asked the same shit. You know about all my skeletons in the closet", he said, making them both kinda chuckle at the pure honesty in that statement, "and as long as we've been tight, there's no reason I shouldn't know about all of yours. Fuck, I helped you put most of em there". A small silence passed between them and Kano dropped the arm from her face, looking up at the ceiling before sitting up beside Johnny, leaning her head back against the couch. Her eyes wandered around the room for a moment, trying to think of a way to word everything without actually telling him what was up.

"There's…some things going on in my head that isn't quite…agreeing with me", she slowly said, still trying to find a way to explain without explaining. Johnny looked at her, brow raised above the frame of his glasses./

"You ain't growing a conscious or some shit, are you?". She rolled her eyes and almost laughed.

"Fuck no. This has nothing to do with a conscious. It's just…shit in my head isn't sitting right", she sighed. Johnny sighed and ran a hand over his face.

"Boss…are you having like a mental breakdown or somethin'?" he said.

"Well…sorta". Again, she was trying to turn the conversation. The gears in Johnny's head began turning. Silence took over for a brief moment and Kano began to get anxious again.

"What aren't you tellin' me?" he said, crossing his arms. She bit her lip, pulling on the piercings she had. At this point, she knew she had to throw in the towel. He wasn't having it. Either she was gonna tell him now or she was gonna tell him later, but regardless, she was gonna tell him. They both knew it.

"Tell you what…meet me in the simulation later and I'll tell you everything". Again, Johnny raised a brow.

"No run around bullshit?" he asked.

"No run around bullshit".

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 **Review please. The more reviews I get, the more likely I am to update. Thank you.**

 **-Boss**


	2. Acceptance

**Boss: Shit is gonna get deep, so...yea. I may have alternate endings for this once I get towards an ending. So, yea.**

 **Please Review.**

 **Enjoy.**

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An hour after her conversation with Johnny and she went under into the simulation, materializing out of the glowing door in her Saint of Saints shirt, her belt covered shorts with attached garters, and the boots that went with them. Her gloved hands ran through her hair, pulling the strands away from her face without them pulling any piercings and she sighed loudly. She avoided conversations like these for years and became a master at it and now that she had to break the seal and tell, it was borderline impossible for her to even think about how it would go. Had he known everything she was about to tell him beforehand, he would've told Julius to off her a lot sooner than he had attempted to. It was driving her insane, but she already told him she'd come clean and if there was one thing she did, it was keep her word, even if she desperately didn't want to. She squeezed her eyes shut tight and tugged on her hair, her heart rate going up as she heard Johnny phase through the glowing door. He approached her as she dropped her hands from her hair, eyes still shut.

"Alright. I'm here. Now, what's up?" he asked, crossing his arms over his chest. She didn't respond to him before tilting her head up.

"Kinzie", she said.

"Here", the redhead quickly responded.

"Cut the audio"

"What? Why?" she asked, but the boss clenched her jaw.

"Just cut the goddamn audio, Kinzie. Please", she semi shouted, shocking both of her crew members with her use of the 'please' word. The unusual tone in the boss's voice let Kinzie know that this was something she really didn't need to interfere in for once.

"Alright. The audio is being cut off now". A small click in the white noise after told her that they finally had at least a little bit of privacy considering their new living arrangements. Her eyes finally opened, at first looking up at the simulated sky and then, turning to Johnny, impatiently awaiting an explanation for his best friend's sudden and strange change of attitude. What would he do? Laugh at her? Disregard her? Judge her? Would he even associate himself with her? Already she was developing a headache at the thought of all of the possible outcomes.

"Look, we can stand here in this fuckin' simulation all night and half the day if you want but you need to start talkin', which is normally not hard for you to do", he said. A few more seconds of silence on her part and she nodded slowly before beginning to walk down sidewalk, waving her hand for him to follow. His footsteps fell in time with hers as they began to stroll through the simulated city.

"How long have we been friends, Johnny?" she asked. He thought for a moment.

"You ain't expectin' a specific number, right? It's been a long ass time, Boss", he responded. She nodded.

"Yea. A long ass time", she slowly repeated. "And we've been through some real heavy shit together, right?". Johnny was quiet for a moment, recalling everything from the day Kano was recruited up until now.

"Right. Why are you askin' all these weird ass questions?" he asked. "Cut to the chase already. Not like anybody else can hear us anyway and I ain't gonna tell anybody if that's what's got you so fuckin' worried-"

"Have you ever kept some shit to yourself for so long, you found it was nearly impossible to come clean about it all later?". Johnny's brows furrowed as he looked at Kano.

"No, actually. I'm upfront about everything, you know that. I don't give a shit what anybody else thinks about my business", he said. She lightly chuckled.

"And you never have. I always admired that about you, Johnny. Even tried to follow that example for the longest time until it became second nature to just say 'fuck it' to everything."

"You seriously ain't growin' a conscious or some shit, right?" he asked. A blank look crossed her face as she pulled out her heavy pistol and shot a random program walking by in the face without even looking or blinking an eye. He put his hands up. "Just had to make sure. But no, I haven't. I've always been upfront, especially with you". Another silence took over as she let her gun fade from her hand. "Well, you and that judge before you busted me outta the courtroom. But fuck her. They were gonna fry me either way", he recollected. "Ya know, I almost didn't know it was you when you busted down the door. There a reason you were dressin' as a dude when we first got you or what?". A deep frown came over her features.

"Bein' a girl growing up in the Row wasn't very safe. You know that. You've seen what happens to a lot of girls there and I wasn't about to become one of Tanya's whores working in a fucking brothel, sucking dick because someone else told me I had to. Besides, not like any of you guys could figure it out". He shrugged.

"I didn't expect a prettyboy Julius randomly pulled off the street to end up actually bein' a chick. How the fuck was I supposed to know that shit could be faked? But that's got nothin' to do with why we're here. What's with all these weird ass questions? You're startin' to freak me out". Her nervous habit kicked in and she began to pull on her lip piercings with her teeth. Why the fuck was this so hard for her to tell him? To come clean about? It didn't even seem like that big of a deal to her. So, she had a few mental screws loose beyond just being a little bit of (a huge) sociopath, or 'puckish rogue' as she liked to say it. It wasn't like no one else had issues. But it was different for her. She was the BOSS. She was supposed to be the example. She was supposed to be 10 feet tall and bulletproof. Not an anxiety ridden, major depressive puddle of insecurities and anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts. She had to deal with this shit on her own because no one else needed to know. But she knew that wasn't entirely true. Someone DID need to know. Someone needed to be in her corner. "So, wha-"

"I have some mental disorders that I never told you or anybody about. Ever. Never. You're the only person I'm telling this to", she blurted out. A frustrated sigh left her as she pinched the bridge of her nose. 'Not how I wanted to tell him that but fuck it, we're already this far. Too late to clam up now'. "And if you're going to judge me about it before I even try to explain it, then I'll stop right there and we can go back to the ship and pretend I never said a fucking word because I can promise you right here right fucking now that simply admitting this shit to you is stressing me the fuck out enough as it is a-" but she was cut off before she could continue to rant.

"Boss", Johnny cut in. She sighed.

"...Yea?" she quietly mumbled.

"Follow me", he said as he super jumped to the top of a Planet Zin, sitting on the ledge. She followed his lead and sat down before he set an rpg launcher in her lap and leaned his elbows on his thighs. "If you're gonna tell me some shit that's gonna fuck you up like that just by sayin' it, I'm gonna need you to keep calm while you say it. So, fire off a few of those while we talk. It'll help". Kano was surprised for a moment. He knew her well enough to know how much it fucked with her to be honest about this and decided to listen and help her keep calm while she told him the truth.

"...you sure you wanna hear what I have to say? I can't promise it won't branch into other shit that you might not want to hear", she said, giving him the chance to back out.

"Hold that thought", he said as he sprinted off quickly before coming back with a six pack and a couple bottles of whiskey and vodka. "Okay, now we can get this started. You know all about my skeletons. Let's hear yours", he said as he popped open a beer. A small smile crossed her features.

"Alcohol and explosives. You definitely know the way to my heart, Johnny", she said, grabbing a beer and tossing the lid off the roof. He smiled, taking a sip from the bottle in hand. "This stays between you, me, and the brick wall, right?". He looked at her and raised a brow.

"You still askin' dumb questions or am I finally gettin' some answers?". She looked at him for a moment before pointing the rpg launcher at a line of cars parked across the street.

"Well", she started slowly before firing a rocket at the vehicles and blowing them all to hell, "I...never belonged anywhere until I joined the Saints. I was nobody. Didn't fit in anywhere. Never had. I was diagnosed with severe social anxiety and major depressive disorder when I was young but didn't do anything about it until it got...bad. Really bad". She took a swig from her bottle and a deep breath before putting the weapon back on her shoulder.

"Social anxiety? Really?" he asked. She nodded, firing off another rocket.

"The day Julius found me was the first time I left the house in weeks and only because I had to. At the time, unless it was absolutely necessary, I didn't go outside and when I did, I made sure to make it as brief as possible".

"I don't think I've ever seen you anxious about anything", he said, brow furrowed. Kano slightly chuckled.

"That was the point of keeping that shit to myself. Nobody was supposed to know and it was one of the hardest things I had to hide, even after they medicated me for it when I was younger". Another rocket went off.

"Medicated? How long were you medicated for it? I haven't seen a single pill bottle on you since fuckin' ever"

"Again, Johnny, it's called the art of hiding shit you don't want known. I was on my meds until the earth blew the fuck up, by the way. I was definitely not the first one to do hide shit from the crew". A look passed between them as they both knew who she was talking about. "I'm just better at it without it having to do with stabbing motherfuckers in the back".

"Why the fuck didn't you tell me about any of this shit before?". She fired another rocket at a passing garbage truck.

"Because I didn't think I could and I ain't done explaining it all either". Johnny nodded, taking another sip from his bottle.

"How bad did it get?" he asked, recalling her earlier statement. A deep breath left her as she fired off into a crowd.

"Let's see...locking myself in rooms at 2 am and having full on anxiety attacks without reason, slamming my head into walls trying to just get it to go away, practically smoking my lungs black, drinking like a fish. Even started harming myself when the depression would kick in and make it worse. Wouldn't answer phone calls. Called out of work. Fuck, a lot of things went really fucking wrong before I threw in the towel and tried to get shit fixed", she said, taking a large swallow from the now 3/4s empty bottle. Johnny frowned.

"You mean to tell me you were hurtin' yourself instead of killin' other people at one time? I don't fuckin' believe it", he said. He really couldn't imagine that there was ever a time the Boss wasn't out murdering people when shit didn't sit right with her. She was pretty much his equal. They were the dream team. They didn't need a reason to kill. They just did. She looked down, biting at her lip again. Here's where shit was gonna get rocky. She knew it.

"I'm not sayin' you have to. I'm just telling you how shit was. Until I found you guys, I didn't treat myself very nicely. There was even a time that other people pushed me around and beat the hell out of me", she said, aiming another rocket at a passing Gunslinger. Johnny polished off his bottle before tossing it off the roof and opening another, processing everything she was telling him.

"There's no way. You never take shit from any fuckin' body", he said. "I can't even pretend to be able to imagine that shit".

"I had a life before the Saints, Johnny. Albeit a shitty one and barely a 'life'. That's what pushed me to join the Saints. Not everyone is born with a buck knife in hand like you", she laughed. "Don't get me wrong. I hated people. Still do. But I couldn't do anything about it. I didn't have anyone to back me. Didn't have the means to get away with it. Had I single handedly started shit back then and did the things I wanted to to people, it would've been seen as me trying to make everyone else look bad and I would've been killed by anyone. Maybe even you guys". Another rocket flew through the air and she finished her beer, throwing the bottle into the air and firing a rocket at it.

"Nah, Julius was smart. He still would've tried to recruit you, maybe more so if you were just out killin' motherfuckers". She smiled a bit and nodded.

"Probably. Still, even though he did some fucked up shit in the end, I'm glad he found me. The shit I did actually changed things". She opened another beer.

"What do you mean?" he asked, not quite getting the context of what she said.

"Before, no matter what the fuck I did for people or how hard I tried to change things, it never worked. Nothing changed. People stayed the same and went back to shitty things after telling me otherwise. It was a bullshit vicious cycle of empty promises and lying sacks of shit. But after I joined, the things I did actually had an effect. People listened to me, respected me. Shit changed. Shit happened. Of course, back stabbing shit still happened and shitty people were still a problem, but I could finally dish out the bullshit I was forced to accept before and could kill the people that pissed me off and crossed us. Shit was looking up but the problems in my head were still there". At this point, Johnny was listening more as he realized that there was shit he still didn't know about his best friend and after all this time, she was willing to fully confide in him as he had with her after all of the bullshit they had to fight through that ended up putting them on top. If she hadn't been telling him all this shit, he never would've suspected it in any way, much less believe it from anyone else. Had someone else tried to tell him all of this, he would've laughed before putting a bullet in their head. "I started to get pissed off with myself because despite how much shit we went through and us being on top each time, I still had anixety attacks. Still had 'fits' at weird times. Depression still made me do shitty things to myself. And as much as I wanted to tell you, I couldn't".

"And why the fuck not?" Johnny asked. At that point, he was actually kind of offended. "All the motherfuckers we slaughtered together and the empire we built back up from not dick and you still couldn't come to me with this shit?". Kano was actually surprised at how Johnny was reacting to all of this. They were sociopaths but they still had emotions, she knew that. She was there to see it from him. How he handled Lin's death. When she had to tell them about Carlos. And Aisha. She had never seen him so fucked up as she did when Jyunichi killed Aisha. And then when Shogo decided he was feeling ballsy in the cemetery. He wasn't afraid to show her who he was. So, why the fuck was she so goddamn scared? "Seriously, Boss. I ain't never hid dick dammit from you since day one so what the fuck?"

"Johnny, had I told you this right off the top, you wouldn't have given even remotely half of a flying fuck and I wasn't gonna tell you shit you didn't wanna hear or care about. And after I became the boss, I flat out COULDN'T".

"And again, why the fuck not?". Her anxiety began to spike again and she threw the rocket launcher across the way, making the weapon crash through the window of some unsuspecting program and stood.

"Because goddammit Johnny, I'M THE BOSS. I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE FUCKIN' PROBLEMS LIKE THIS AND MY CREW AIN'T SUPPOSED TO KNOW!" she began to yell, her mouth and mind completely moving on their own at this point. "DO YOU HONESTLY THINK ANY FUCKIN' BODY IN THEIR RIGHT FUCKIN' MIND WOULD'VE FOLLOWED MY LEAD IF THEY HAD KNOWN THAT ME BEING AROUND PEOPLE MAKES ME ANTSY AND UNABLE TO FUNCTION LIKE A NORMAL GODDAMN HUMAN BEING? THAT I DEPEND ON MEDICATION TO BE ABLE TO ACT SOMEWHAT FUCKIN' NORMAL WHICH MAY I REMIND YOU THAT I NO LONGER HAVE NOW? THAT I WOULD HURT MYSELF JUST SO I COULD CONCENTRATE MORE ON HOW MUCH MY BODY HURT INSTEAD OF HOW FUCKIN' MUCH I WAS DRIVING MYSELF CRAZY BECAUSE I COULDN'T CONTROL MY FUCKIN' THOUGHTS? AND WHEN WE THOUGHT YOU DIED...". She began to quiet down, trying to keep her voice from cracking. "...When we thought you were gone...I didn't get to mourn you...I didn't get to scream and cry because I thought the one person in the world that always had my back was dead. Shaundi did, so I let her do it for all of us. I didn't. I had to be the one to hold everyone else up even though I was sinking. I didn't get to tell everyone else how I 'felt' about anything because I couldn't afford to. I'm supposed to be the one that never cracks. But when we lost you, I didn't crack. I fuckin' shattered into pieces. But they don't know that. They don't know about all of the nasty habits that came back when you were gone. They don't know that I had to drink to almost black out stupidity to be able to sleep at night so I didn't cry. Hell, I couldn't even cry when I was on my own. Wouldn't let myself. Not even becoming president of the fuckin' US made it any better and do you know why?". He quietly looked up at her, waiting for her to continue. "Because every death that happened, I blamed on myself. All of them. That probably sounds tacky as all fuck but it's the fuckin' truth. I couldn't apologize to Donnie about Lin or save her. I couldn't apologize to Carlos for dragging him into this bullshit and had to put him out of his misery after what the Brotherhood did to him. I couldn't apologize to Shaundi and Pierce about you 'dying' and not going back for you and I...I couldn't...I couldn't apologize to you about Aisha...I have no problem killing people. But those 4 things always make me sick to my stomach. I still make myself sick when I think about it and can't bring myself to eat for God knows how long after...But again, nobody can know all of this because I'm the Boss and I'm supposed to have complete control over everything, even the chemical imbalance in my brain. And this, all of this shit, is what I kept to myself all of this time. This is what I was afraid to admit to you, all because of my position and disorders. So, instead of dealing with my own fucking problems, I took care of everyone else's. Because it's so much easier fixing other people than trying to fix my own damn self". A long silence came over them. Nothing but passing cars and mindless jabber of pedestrians. Nothing. Kano began to bite her lip rings again and turned as she started slowly pacing the rooftop, her face in her hands. There it all was, out in the open. All of the bullshit she kept to herself was now out there for him to do with what he pleased and her stomach dropped at the realization of that. How this would possibly change their relationship, whether or not he would even take any of this to heart. At this point, her heart rate began to spike and she could feel the anxiety mounting again. Should she stay here and wait for him to either say something or leave? Should she just fuck off and leave him be? What the fuck was she supposed to do? She could feel her eyes stinging, even in the simulation and she quietly growled to herself. She didn't cry then and she wasn't gonna fucking do it now. A pair of arms wrapped around her and her forehead met with what felt like a clavicle, but she kept her hands over her face.

"Alright", she heard Johnny say, "I listened to you without sayin' shit. Now, you're gonna do the same. Not one fuckin' word". She remained silent to let him know she was listening and he continued. "I'm gonna start by sayin' that if I ever fuckin' catch you doin' somethin' to yourself that could easily be done to someone else, I'll knock your ass out myself. That stops right fuckin' now. Don't really care what I have to do to keep you from doin' it but you're not doin' it again. If you need to hurt somethin', you tell me and we'll come here and destroy shit instead. You fuckin' got that?". A small nod came from her. "Good. I don't know exactly how the fuck anxiety works but if one of these 'attack' things happen, tell me what you need me to do. Again, don't really care what the fuck it is. Even if you think it might be pussy bullshit, if it makes the shit stop, then fuck it. Let's roll with it. What everyone else thinks about it don't fuckin' matter. You're the boss regardless. Anyone got a problem with it, they can step up and say it and possibly get knocked the fuck out. We don't got time for that kind of whiny bullshit anymore. And I don't care if you don't think you can tell me what the fuck is up, you fuckin' tell me anyway. Don't matter if all you want is some whiskey and an hour to do nothin' but talk or be left alone or what the fuck ever. Want to come here and just shoot shit? I'm down. Wanna see how far you can throw people's cars? Fine. Just want a drink in the Broken Shillelagh? Done". Kano removed her hands from her face and simply crossed her arms, leaning her head against Johnny's chest. Her anxiety slowly began to calm as Johnny spoke. "Lin. Carlos.. Aisha...None of that shit was your fault. None of it. You didn't push the car into the water with Lin in it. You didn't drag Carlos around chained to the back of a truck. And you sure as fuck didn't kill Aisha...You didn't leave me to die on a plane, either. This shit wasn't your fault and in the end, we got even. I'm still here and I promise I ain't goin' anywhere again. I'm sorry you had to keep this shit to yourself all this time, Boss. And I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this bullshit in your head. I don't know how any of it works but a few little loose screws ain't changin' shit. You got my back and I got yours. I know the shit you're dealin' with in your head ain't gonna go away, but at least we can make it fuckin' bearable. Alright?". Again, Kano nodded slowly. Johnny didn't quite understand how any of these things worked or why she had it but he wasn't gonna let her sit and wallow in it for a few more years on her own. As well as she hid it, it was no surprise that no one else even suspected she was suffering through a whirlwind of bullshit just so she could continue to be the Boss everyone looked up to. It made sense once it was broken down. All of this was gonna be a process and she was gonna still have her 'fits' and 'attacks' and everything, but at least she'd have someone to help. Johnny rested his chin atop her head and sighed. Needless to say, this wasn't the direction he was expecting this all to take but it could've been worse. "You okay now?" he asked, rubbing her back. She let out a sigh and loosely wrapped her arms around his waist, finally calm.

"Yea. I think I'm okay now", she said.

"Good. Wanna put the pussy shit aside for now and continue drinkin' and blowin' shit up?" he asked. She kinda laughed.

"Sure, Johnny". And for now, things were okay.

But it wasn't gonna last long.

* * *

 **Comment. Review. Something. Please.**

 **-Boss**


	3. Thoughts

**Boss: Hi. So, yea. Here's this. Read and review. Enjoy.**

* * *

Matt's awkward and childlike behavior was something that had actually become quite endearing to the rest of the crew on the ship over time. It was like having a younger sibling around. Well, if that younger sibling was a self proclaimed 'hacker god' with the social skills of a recluse, the fashion sense of a cyber goth, and a superiority complex behind a keyboard. But still, endearing none the less. He had become familiar with everyone on the ship and his awkwardness slowly came to a minimum, making way for his more childlike air which the crew actually welcomed. It lessened the tension in the air that was normally present as they were still trying to figure out how they were gonna go about everything, what with their new place at the top of an alien empire and all. With that being said, the change in the Boss's demeanor didn't go unnoticed by him. It actually made him a bit uncomfortable and, dare he admit, worried not to hear her usual sarcastic banter and smart ass comments when talking with the others or him. Come to think of it, she wasn't very talkative at all these days, only serving to bug him more. He tried asking Asha what could possibly be up and only got a basic answer.

"We did just get through killing an alien dictator, Matt. It's a bit much to take in considering the earth was also blown up before hand, even for the President. Perhaps it's all finally beginning to hit her. I can't say I don't know what it's like to be hit with aftershock. I wouldn't worry too much, Matt. She can handle it", she said, wiping her towel over her neck as she sat up after finishing her workout. A slight frown overtook his features at the response.

"Asha, you don't worry about anything period. You can't say the sudden shift in someone's normal behavior doesn't worry you even a little bit", he said. Asha leaned her elbows on her knees and raised a brow.

"You asked my thoughts, I gave them to you. Perhaps Shaundi or Pierce can give you more to go on, or maybe even Johnny", she said as she approached her punching bag, wrapping her knuckles in boxing tape.

He thought about asking Johnny, knowing it would probably be a better source of info, but the slightest hint of insult in his wording would piss him off and he'd rather be punched than shot, so he decided the best person to ask would be Shaundi, who despite her irritable moods would be more likely to listen to him before deciding to hurt him. Matt looked around, eventually finding her sitting with Kinzie in her new 'sanctum' she claimed by the airlock doors along with younger Shaundi who was on Kinzie's laptop set between the two with her light bulb in hand.

"I'll admit, I do miss the dreads", Shaundi said, patting the hair arranged in the neat bun atop her head.

"Girl, you should totally get them back. I mean, it's not like there's anyone to stop you or tell you you shouldn't anymore, right?" Fun Shaundi responded, getting a blank look from both Kinzie and Shaundi. "Too soon?"

"Yea, just a little", Shaundi said with an eye roll before seeing Matt, who awkwardly stood beside the steps. "Oh, hey Matt. What's up?". He awkwardly twiddled his thumbs for a minute before sitting down on the floor in front of the girls.

"Well, you see, I have something I'd like to ask, but..."

"But what? Spit it out", Kinzie said. A frown etched itself across his features at the redhead's snippy comment.

"I'm trying to find a way to ask without the possibility of physical injury being inflicted upon me by Shaundi", he said, making the brunette raise an eyebrow in his direction.

"And is this something that would warrant me possibly hurting you?" she asked. Kinzie watched, silently hoping it was. Fun Shaundi took a hit from her bulb, also watching and waiting to see what would happen.

"I-I don't know! But you're the person I thought best to answer my question!"

"Then what's the question?" Shaundi said.

"Are you going to hurt me?"

"I'll decide after you ask, just hurry up and ask"

"Okay, well, is it just me or does something seem...off...with the Boss? N-not in a bad way! Just...not quite right. Like something is really wrong", he asked, getting nervous as he awaited the older Saint's reaction after fumbling over his words. She was quiet for a moment before looking at Kinzie, who returned her look.

"Actually, kid, that's a good question. It's not just you. We can tell something is wrong, we just haven't quite figured out how to...approach it", she responded. Fun Shaundi raised a brow.

"Really? I figured you guys would really like how the Boss is now. She's not nearly as much of a hardass as she used to be". Shaundi chuckled as Kinzie and Matt raised a brow.

"The Boss? A hardass?" Kinzie asked. "I mean I know she can be a bit unorthodox and even reckless, but a hardass? No way". Both Shaundis looked up at the ginger with their eyebrows thrown up.

"Girl, you don't even know the half of it", Fun Shaundi said. "The Boss has SERIOUSLY chilled out since our days in Stilwater. Like a lot".

"Really?" Matt asked. Shaundi looked at the two hackers.

"Compared to now, oh yea. She could've given Cyrus Temple a run for his money in terms of title for major hardass. Of course, when I was recruited into the Saints, the Boss had just busted Johnny out of court and escaped from prison after being in a coma, so I don't blame her prior behavior. She had to do a lot to build the Saint's back up to what they used to be after what Julius did. Quite the busy body after being blown the fuck up, but she lived and even healed up pretty well since they had to fix her face completely"

"Have to admit, Boss hasn't aged a day since then", Fun Shaundi said.

"That's because Troy knew he owed her and made sure they pieced her back together properly, otherwise they would've just let her heal up into a blown up mess", Shaundi said, turning back to Matt. "But you are right. Something is wrong. But I don't think we should try talking to her about it".

"And why not? It only makes sense to find out seeing as how everything has played out. There may be some effects of not only all of the tragedies that happened since we were taken from the White House but also having her put under into the simulation all the time. The human brain is a delicate thing and can be very easily tampered with as we've all experienced", Kinzie said. A small flinch crept over them as they all recalled the personal Hell holes they were stuck in.

"Because Kinzie, I don't know if you've noticed, but different people have different ways of handling things and the Boss doesn't like when people try to push her for information. I've seen her shoot people for asking the same question twice. For now, let's just see how things go for a bit longer and if things get worse or don't change, then maybe we'll try to confront her without all being shot", Shaundi said. Fun Shaundi took another hit from her bulb and interjected.

"The next time Boss comes into the simulation, I'll see if maybe I can kinda get her talking about stuff to see how she responds and if she says anything weird, I'll let you know. Who knows? Maybe a few hits will get her talkin'", she said. Shaundi nodded.

"That could work, I guess. Just don't push. The last thing we need to do is make her angry on top of all this other shit". Matt flinched at the thought of having to find out what type of Hell the Boss would unleash in her current state.

"And since the simulation records audio and footage, if we find anything, we can play it back", Kinzie added. Shaundi shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Jesus, are we seriously staging an investigation on the fucking Boss?" she mumbled. Matt and Kinzie made eye contact as they sorta looked away, recalling their political days.

"Again, I reiterate my earlier statement of that never stopping your administration before", he said.

"I'd still like to know what exactly we did, Miss Press Secretary", Shaundi ground out at Kinzie who only shrugged.

"Still not telling. Treason is still treason, planet or no planet. Just be thankful", she responded.

"Thankful for what?!", but again, Kinzie shook her head.

"Just say 'thank you, Kinzie' and leave it at that". Shaundi simply groaned and leaned back against the metal wall.

"Whatever, but if we get caught, not only am I gonna be pissed, but I'm blaming you two. Got it?"

"Got it", both hackers said.

* * *

Meanwhile, the Boss was in the Stilwater simulation, currently sitting on one of the pews in the church where it all started, staring blankly at the podium. It was quiet as she was alone in the building, save for the occasional police siren and gun shot outside, but other than that, silence. As nice as the memorial church was that they rebuilt back in Stilwater, she preferred the old one. The abandoned, broke down church. It felt right. She slowly rose from her spot and made her way into the back, grabbing one of the long matches from the desk before lighting all the candles atop the table. Her eyes wandered back up to all of the photos strewn across the wall before landing on the one of Julius. She wanted to yank the picture off the wall and burn it, but she found she couldn't bring herself to do it. It wasn't because of sentimentality. It was because she still had to acknowledge the fact that the man made her a Saint in the first place. She still had to acknowledge the fact that he was the one that introduced her to her best friend, Johnny. She wanted to erase him from her memories, but he was vital to it and it made her grind her teeth giving credit to a man that tried to blow her up and single handedly destroyed the Saints after everything they had done to take control of the gangland. Including losing Lin. Her eyes wandered over to the photo of Lin and guilt hit her again. Kano backed up and sat atop the desk across from the photo wall, thinking. She remembered being trapped in that trunk with Lin as if it were yesterday. Remembered Sharp shooting them before slamming the trunk shut and pushing the car into the water. She remembered the stress she felt and the pain she was still in the day after and the way her stomach dropped when Julius told her that they had found Lin's body. The scar from the bullet was nowhere to be seen on her since the explosion but she knew exactly where the bullet hit her and ran her hand over the spot. The bullet shattered a couple ribs but she counted herself lucky since the impact with her ribs didn't allow it to go any further. Her brow furrowed as her fingers skimmed over the ribs, recalling how badly it hurt to swim from the trunk but she'd be damned if she let Sharp get away with what he did to Lin. Looking up again, her eyes began to skim the wall, remembering each and every face and the actions each one took part in. The longer she looked, the more it began to hurt and the more it hurt, the more pissed she became. It infuriated her to no end how despite how little she gave a shit about other people, these ones that she came to trust and get close to ended up fucking her over or dying. They made her feel. She hated feeling. It was inconvenient to have emotions take part in your judgement but at the same time, it was also a powerful fuel. It was what drove her to take the Saints to the top no matter how many she had to kill to do it. Her frustration began to peak again and she pulled her heavy pistol quickly before frantically pulling the trigger, riddling Julius' photo with holes and throwing the gun across the room as hard as she could. The metal clacked loudly against the stone wall and skidded harshly against the floor as Kano put her elbows against her knees, burying her face in her leather clad hands.

"God fuckING DAMMIT!" she screamed into her gloves. There it was again. The overwhelming anxiety that wanted to give way to the abyss of depression all at once and fuck her running was she trying to fight it off, so much so that she didn't see Johnny come into the room and pick her gun up until she heard it clatter on the table beside her, startling her and making her look up. He said nothing, merely raising his eyebrow as he looked at her. "Johnny. What are you-"

"The computer on the ship started goin' crazy cause your heart rate went up. Came in to see what was up so nobody else freaked out...You good?" he asked, knowing she wasn't but asking anyway. He was giving her the opportunity to lie, to see how much of this she trusted him with. She wanted to lie. Badly. But she couldn't. She'd already let him in.

"No. No, I'm not", she sighed.

"Didn't think so", he said, looking over his shoulder at the now destroyed photo of Julius. "You wanna talk about it or just destroy shit?". She shook her head.

"I just...I'm so fucking tired, Johnny...My own fucking head is trying to tear me the fuck apart and...I don't know what to do...". An annoyed sigh left her as she pushed her hair back from her face and looked at the ceiling. "I'm sorry. I'm not trying to act like such a fuckin' pussy. I thought I'd have more of a handle on this by now...". Johnny laughed.

"Nah, you ain't bein' a pussy. If you were actin' like this for the sake of tryin' to get attention, then yea, I'd call you out on it. Shit's never been easy for us, Boss. You gotta react to it at some point. You just waited too long to react on top of all the other shit already happenin' in your head", he said, sitting beside her on the table. "But I do think you need to be honest with the rest of the crew at some point". The Boss whipped her head in his direction, almost giving herself whiplash, and glared, though it had no effect on him.

"Glare at me all you want. I'm not sayin' you have to do it now or even any time soon, but at some point, you're gonna have to come clean. They deserve to know. They trust you. You gotta trust them, too", he said. The glare on her face stayed in place as she looked at him. He simply looked back with a smirk.

"I fucking hate it when you're right, I hope you know that", she said, letting her hair fall back into her face. Johnny let out a chuckle.

"Oh, I know. I also know how often I'm right"

"Alright, you cocky fuck, I get it", she snapped back with a small laugh, her mood getting better as her heart rate settled back down.

"Hey, who you callin' a cocky fuck? I'm a natural born badass", he said back, knowing he was once again right.

"Yea, a badass that never fails to acquire some type of mortal wound at least once a year"

"Yea and I still haven't died yet, so what's your point?"

"Leave it to you to dodge death by being abducted by fucking aliens", she laughed. Johnny let out a laugh as well.

"Ya know, it sounds a bit more fucked up when you actually say it outloud like that"

"There is no way to make it sound NOT fucked up, Johnny. You were ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!"

"So were you guys!". They looked at each other sternly with a frown on their faces but suddenly erupted into fits of laughter at the entire scenario they found themselves in. The laughter kept up for a while before they eventually settled down, the Boss resting her head against Johnny's shoulder with a calm sigh.

"I swear this all feels like some weird ass fucked up video game plot", she mumbled.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. Please review.**

 **-Boss**


	4. Surveillance

**Boss: Yea...so...here's the next thing. Please read and review.**

 **Enjoy.**

* * *

Perhaps Matt was right. That's what Asha thought the day (or night. Who knew what time it was in space) after their brief conversation. In MI6, one of the first things taught was how to keep a lock on your emotions and 'view everything from the eyes of God' as it was put to her. Personal feelings had little to no room in her line of work unless it had something to do with assessing a threat and even then that was more analysis than personal thought. But this wasn't MI6. This was a crew of 10 flying through space in attempts to find a new home world that could possibly be inhabited by humans while they decided what to do with the new technology they acquired. Seeing things from a more personal perspective was quite hard for her, all things considered, but that didn't mean she didn't find the boss's new behavior odd. Sure, she gave the Boss shit and the Boss gave it right back. That was just how their relationship worked since Pakistan. The more she thought about it, the more she agreed with Matt. Something was off, but she knew better than to approach the Boss without some type of plan to go about it. For now, she would wait and see how the Boss behaved for the next few days to see the extent of this odd shift in the Boss's demeanor. In the meantime, she would work on her benchpress. The lactic acid building up in her arms was a pretty good distraction from the batshit crazy they've had to endure thus far.

* * *

Keith's brief betrayal wasn't something he was necessarily proud of. It wasn't so much about becoming ruler of a 'bullshit daydream' as it was the opportunity to maybe save 7 billion people that had no idea of the alien threat that decided now was the time to attack. He really did have good intentions, but as it was well known, the road to Hell is paved with them. For normal people, at least. God only knows what the Boss was paving her road to Hell with. Regardless, in the end, he knew he didn't have it in him. He wasn't Julius. The Boss knew that, even after getting him out of the tight spot he semi-put himself in. The Boss was loyal and that was really all she asked for in return, so he was pretty surprised when the Boss forgave him after what he had done. Even Shaundi forgave him which was an even bigger relief for him. Since the day she asked him on a date, he had actually grown quite fond of the Saint and she returned the sentiment fully. Of course, that didn't mean he didn't have a bit of fall out to deal with from her after what he had done. He fully expected her to completely lose her shit and possibly break something but she didn't do that. She brought him to the bridge, asked everyone to stay away from the area, and THEN proceeded to lose her shit at him, to which he accepted full responsibility and admitted he was in the wrong. Eventually, she calmed down and they talked through it, leading to them planning out their future date. Unexpected, but he was pleased. She was still willing to give him a shot.

Keith and Shaundi were currently sitting in the bridge like they usually did, looking out for anything that showed some sign of life and possible inhabitants, but today, things felt off. Something was on her mind and she wasn't telling him. He could tell.

"So...Shaundi", he started.

"Yea?" she said, not looking over her shoulder as her fingers flew over the keyboard in front of her. He shook his head.

"What's wrong?" he asked. He could practically hear her tense at his question.

"Nothing", she quipped. There was the sign that something was, in fact, wrong. He rose from his station and went over to hers, leaning over her shoulder as he looked at her screen.

"Shaundi. For someone who has been on TV, you're not that good at acting", he lightly joked in an attempt to lighten her mood. "Now, how about the truth?". A deep sigh left her as she dropped her hands from the board and leaned her head back.

"Nothing, it's just...something has been up with the Boss lately and its kinda freaking out some of the crew. I mean I know a lot has happened lately but this is different. She's NEVER acted this way, no matter whats happened and its starting to stress me out because I've known her for so long and I don't even know what's wrong". He could tell by how fast and loud she got that it was taking a toll on her and he kneeled down before turning the chair around, making her face him.

"Shaundi. Listen. She may not have responded to anything like this before, but you really have to take into consideration the situation we're all in now. We're in space. The earth was blown up right in front of her. She risked permanent brain damage to get you and everyone else out of a simulation that could've driven you all into madness. Her best friend that she believed to be dead all this time is actually alive. We just took over an alien empire. Perhaps it isn't so strange for her to be acting a bit odd in all honesty"

"Yea, but-"

"I'm not saying there isn't more to it than that. You've known the Boss longer than I have, so I know you know her better. I'm just saying maybe this isn't really something that should be unexpected". Shaundi sighed and thought about it for a minute. Everything that happened was pretty wild, but still. The Boss handled everything so well, so what exactly was tipping the scales now? She looked at Keith and nodded.

"You're right. But I do still have Kinzie keeping an eye on her just in case. This is just...so out of character for her". Keith grabbed her hand and gently squeezed it in reassurance.

"It's gonna be alright. I promise", he said. She kinda smiled a bit and held onto his hand. Coming from Keith, she could believe it. Maybe things would be okay.

* * *

Kinzie ran a hand over her forehead as she stared at the screen in front of her. Maybe they were overreacting a little bit. Maybe this would just be one of those things that smoothed itself out in the end. Change was inevitable in situations like this. Or at least in whatever situation you could compare to the one they were in now. Still. Something just wasn't sitting right and there had to be some type of logical explanation for it. Footsteps sounded behind her and she turned to see Benjamin making his way into the room across from CIDs that he seemed to enjoy hanging out in.

"Benjamin", she called out. He looked up from his notes and turned to her.

"Yea? What's up, Kinzie?". She awkwardly bit her lip and turned in her chair towards him.

"I was just wondering if you could give me some insight about how things were back then in Stilwater". Ben raised a brow.

"Why don't you just read my book? I know the playa has a copy still". Kinzie sighed.

"I have. But since we have nothing but time on our hands now, I kinda wanted to hear it from you...on a more personal note". He thought for a moment on her words before sitting down in the chair beside her.

"Alright. What do you want to know?"

"A little bit of everything, I guess. Some of the nightmares that came through the portals in the simulation got me thinking after I saw everyone's reactions to them. I figured there was something deeper than just what you have written in your book. The Vice Kings, the Rollerz, Los Carnales...the Saints". Ben set his paper and pen down on the desk.

"Oh, girl. I remember everything so clearly. As if all these years as a writer and all these years in the White House never happened". Kinzie crossed her legs in her chair and leaned in to listen.

* * *

If there was one thing that the Boss missed dearly (other than real wind blowing real blood spray back into her face), it was driving a real car on a real road. Unfortunately, this simulation was all she could get but it was close enough. If she didn't know this was a simulation, she'd almost pass it off for real, though the occasional glitches in everything would give it away. The window was rolled down. The radio was on. She was going quite a good bit over the speed limit, weaving in and out between cars. Pierce was singing to his heart's content to Biz Markie now that Zinyak wasn't there to butcher it. This felt right.

There was always the popular assumption that everyone picked on Pierce because they didn't like him but on the contrary, the Boss couldn't imagine the Saints without him. He didn't know it, but he was far more beloved than Shaundi would let him believe. Gat was right. Pierce was the brother she didn't have and always wanted, so when he was recruited along with her, that was the day she knew she found the brother she needed. The brother that would have her back no matter how much shit they gave each other. The song was just ending when the car suddenly plowed right into a program, making the vehicle jump. Why these programs insisted on running out in the middle of the road like they could make it across, the Boss couldn't understand but at the same time, she didn't care.

"There a reason you had to hit that?" he asked, adjusting his hat. She shrugged.

"I didn't tell them to run out in front of my car, so it's really not my fault".

"Still. You can't swerve around or something?"

"If I swerved for every pedestrian that decided they didn't want to live anymore, everyone would end up carsick within the first 5 minutes of the ride. So, no. I'm not gonna swerve around each and every pedestrian". That was another thing that amazed her about Pierce. He still had a small concern for life. Small, but still there. It was a quality that made him perfect for being the face of the Saints. He was about to comment until he heard 'Insane in the Membrane' start up and a huge grin came across his face.

"Ooohh, shit, Boss! I know you still love this one! Come on, sing it with me!"

"Pierce, I don't-"

"Come on, just this one, Boss!". Boss sighed and looked at him with a small smile.

"Alright alright. This one", she chuckled.

Their drive around the city involved a few passes over the same bridges once or twice as they jammed out. It almost felt like home again. Easier times. Times that felt...freer.

The ride eventually ended as they pulled into the park and she cut the engine. Pierce turned to the Boss with a smile.

"Imma head back to the ship, Boss. You gonna follow?" he asked. She shook her head.

"Not yet. Got some things I want to check out beforehand". He nodded.

"Alright. Before I go back, I got a quick question for ya"

"What's up?"

"You aight?". A small drop in her stomach forced her to swallow a lump in her throat that suddenly formed at the sudden question.

"What do you mean, Pierce?"

"Look, I know a lot of shits happened and it's all some real crazy shit, but I can tell somethin' is buggin' you. You sure you're good?". Sometimes she forgot just how smart Pierce really was. Just because nothing ever dulled his sparkle doesn't mean he didn't know what was happening around him. The man was a people person, so he knew people. God love him, as much of a ball of sass and sunshine he was, she imagined he'd have no problem possibly getting into Heaven while they were busy taking Hell right out from under Satan himself. She grabbed his shoulder and gently squeezed it.

"I'm sure, Pierce. I'm good. Go ahead back to the ship. I'll be back soon, man". He nodded and grabbed her shoulder in return.

"Alright. I'll see ya on the ship, Boss". The Boss watched as he exited the car and went through the door on the small island in the middle of the water. For a minute, she just sat in her car, her head in her hand as she stared at the steering wheel. If Pierce was noticing, who else noticed? While the simulation wasn't real, she could still feel her teeth biting into her lip and it was real enough to snap her from her wandering thoughts. She shook her head and started the engine back up before speeding out of the park. Back on earth, in the real Steelport, she used to take late night rides around the city when her insomnia decided that 2 am was the best time for her to be conscious. She loved city settings. Bright lights and colors. Watching the different types of people that wandered the streets. And knowing that it was all under her control was the puffy purple bow on top. It was everything she wanted the Saints to be and everything they deserved. It didn't dawn on her until she got close to the Three Count that the entire block was suddenly empty. No cops, no pedestrians. Hell, not even any other cars along the sidewalks.

"What the fuck?" she mumbled, bringing the car to a stop in the middle of the road before getting out. "Kinzie? Is there something going on with the simulation?". No answer. "Kinzie? Kinzie, are you there?". Again, no answer. "Guess not. Okay". She walked down the empty street, looking around for anything, but it was completely silent. A frown came across her face as she pulled out her pistol. If nobody would answer her, she'd just make something appear. She fired a round into the air. A sudden glitch blurred the buildings for a minute before readjusting again. "...The fuck?". She did it again, this time shattering the window of a door. Again, everything blurred but longer this time. "What the fuck is going on?". Flames engulfed her hand and she threw a fireball into the window of a store. The colors of everything suddenly began to flicker and shift. Bright neon signs suddenly went dull and muted and shifted to dark browns and reds. Brick walls suddenly cracked and bled black and green mold. The sky shifted from sunset purple and pink to gray and black. "Okay, Kinzie. Matt. Whichever one of you thinks this shit is funny, it's fucking not! That's enough!". Dead silence. Nobody was there. She took a few steps down the street again, confused as to why the simulation was shifting without either one of her geniuses behind the keyboard. Steps sounded behind her and she turned to see a wireframe program standing beside her car. It simply stood there once she saw it, so she drew her pistol again, keeping it aimed at its head. "Seriously, this shit isn't cute!". Silence. She slowly approached the program, keeping 6 ft between them. "You're another one of those fucking respawned programs, huh?". Nothing. Annoyance overtook her and she aimed her gun at the program's knee before pulling the trigger, causing it to collapse onto one knee. Sharp pain hit her in the same knee and she also collapsed the same. "What the fuck is this?!". Alarm. It had been a while since she actually felt alarm. How the fuck was this happening and how the fuck was she supposed to kill this fucking thing? She racked her brain in attempts to remember where one of the doors were to get out of here as she got back up and backed away from the program. "Kinzie! Matt!" she yelled again, hoping this time someone would respond, but nothing. "Fuck it, I'll figure it out myself!". Flames again encircled her hand and she threw a fireball at the program, jumping away when one was also coming towards her. "This is fucking bullshit!". She aimed both of her guns at the program, who raised both arms in her direction. No guns, but mirroring her perfectly. She couldn't shoot it unless she wanted to shoot herself, but she had another theory. She took a few steps backwards to see if it would copy. It only stepped towards her, so she took a few steps to the right. It went right. 'Okay, so it will copy me left and right but makes sure to stay close to me'. The Boss rolled her neck. So did the program. 'Alright. Let's do this'. She began to back up into an alley, keeping her guns drawn and the program followed her through the twists and turns until they were both sandwiched between two brick walls. She let her guns disappear and stepped towards the program, making it back up before suddenly falling backwards into a backbend. A loud crunch made her smirk as she stood back up, seeing the brick wall the program smashed its wireframe skull against. The dark red spot on the wall let her know it had to be fatal. A sigh left her and she looked down at the wireframe body, the top of its head smashed in and oozing blood. But the Boss's smirk soon faded when the frame began to flicker and move, it's broken frame rising. "What the fuck does it take to kill you?!" she yelled. She backed away, the program approaching her slowly, flickering and twitching as it's concave skull continued to bleed out all over it. Her heart rate. She could feel it rising. Now was not the time but it was happening regardless. She stopped and pulled out a six shooter. 'Been a while since I played russian roulette but fuck it, now is as good as ever'. This thing couldn't have been an accidental respawn. She spun the chamber of the revolver and aimed it at her head, watching the program do the same. Now all she had to do was pull the trigger.

"BOSS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Matt suddenly screamed at her. The car. She was still sitting in the car. She blinked, seeing the park outside the windshield and felt metal pushed to the side of her head. It was her revolver. She let the gun fall into the console before taking a few deep breaths, grabbing onto the steering wheel.

"Matt?" she said.

"What the hell was that?! Are you mad?!" he yelled.

"Matt, what happened?" she asked, ignoring his screaming.

"You've been sitting in your car for almost an hour and apparently, you were about to blow your bloody brains out!". The flickering wireframe program. The empty streets. It wasn't real?

"Is there anyone else in the simulation right now? Crew or rogue programs?"

"What the-no! Why? Boss, what is going on?" he asked again. She shook her head.

"Nothing. Listen, keep this between us".

"What? Why? Boss, are you-"

"Matthew. This. Stays. Between. Us." she ground out from between her teeth. He wanted to argue, but he couldn't find the words. When he turned back to the screen, the Boss was gone and a hand grabbed his shoulder, spinning him around. The Boss caged him in against the table. "Not one word, Miller. To anybody. Not even Kinzie. Alright?". To say the Boss's behavior was even more alarming now was an understatement. He just watched her put a gun to her head and she had no idea what had been happening, but he shook his head, clenching his jaw.

"Alright. Not one word". A moment of silence took hold and the Boss dropped her head before backing away from the hacker.

"I'm sorry, Matt. Just...this has to stay quiet...", she said, running her hand through her hair. Sympathy. At this point, that's all Matt had to offer the Boss. A worried look twisted his features. Was this it? Was the Boss finally cracking?

"I understand. I won't say anything", he said.

"...Thanks", she said before she turned and headed down to the common room to lie down on the couch, exhaustion setting in. Matt squeezed his eyes shut, guilt briefly sweeping over him.

He had recorded the whole thing.

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 **Boss: So..yea. Hope you liked it. Please review...**


	5. Insomnia

**Boss: Here's the next thing. And just in case anyone actually needed a disclaimer, I own nothing except for my Boss. So, yea. Please read and review.**

 **Enjoy.**

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No matter what she did, she couldn't manage to even out her sleeping patterns. She either slept too long or not at all and she knew it wasn't healthy. There was only so much alcohol on the ship and with her high tolerance, she'd have to drink almost half of what they had just to feel dozy. She would sometimes go into the simulation to kill time and try to wear herself out but when she came out, she would be dead exhausted and sore, making her unable to do anything for the next few hours BUT sleep. If she didn't go into the simulation, she would wander the newly acquired halls containing their fleet of Zin, resulting in no sleep whatsoever as she fiddled around with some of the new gadgets the Zin had lying around the ship. The result of her erratic changes in sleep made her a bit fidgety and sometimes even more irritable than normal. Nobody blamed the Boss. But she definitely blamed herself. The problem was that she KNEW why she was feeling and acting this way but she couldn't do anything about it. It wasn't for lack of trying. Her efforts were just fruitless. The irony of the situation made her eyes roll in her skull like a slot machine. Survive explosions? Sure. Build an empire back up from nothing? Done. Take on the military and finish in time for your movie shoot? No problem. Become president and take over an alien empire? Cake walk. Develop a normal sleep schedule? Hold the fucking phone and stop the presses. That was a big negative, captain.

Unlike her, the rest of her crew had no problem with sleep at the moment. Nothing but the hum of an engine (and snoring from Pierce, who's nose decided now was the time to sing the song of it's people) could be heard as the Boss stared blankly at the metal ceiling. She was currently lying down on the pool table since Pierce was sprawled out across the couch, she couldn't get comfortable on the row of couches outside of the living room unlike Shaundi who was sound asleep across it, Gat was asleep in the chair in the kitchen, and she wasn't even going to make an attempt to go into CID's room. CID had a bullwhip laid across the mattress for god's sake and she had no problem with the idea of possibly dismantling the snarky little glorified radio if anything seemed even remotely out of place. So, here she was, laid across the pool table, listening to Pierce do an impression of an angry lumberjack bear with chainsaws for hands running through a heavily forested area with a thorn in it's foot, and silently praying for the sweet release of death. Or at least for Pierce's sinuses to fucking clear. That'd be pretty cool, too. She ran a hand through her hair and sat up. Looked like it was gonna be a wandering night. She carefully jumped down from the table and silently left the living room, making sure not to wake up Pierce or Ben and Keith, who were both soundly asleep in the chairs NOT playing nasal trumpets. Majority of the lights in the ship were off, save for the regular emergency lights and the surges of who knows what going through the wiring and tubing throughout. As she ascended the steps to the bridge, she looked below to make sure nobody else had awoken. Asha was asleep on the bench press with the bar on the floor beside the rest of her workout equipment. Kinzie finally decided today was a sleep day and was passed out in her beanbag chair, her laptop lying right beside her.

The next few moments for the Boss were completely blank as she sat in the bridge, her head rested against her folded arms as she stared out of the windshield at the metal walls and workings of the docking bay they were parked in within the larger ship. The Boss found it a bit suffocating being in a ship within another ship. She liked seeing what was outside. She liked space. She enjoyed seeing stars and planets speckling a canvas of black. Galaxy swirls of purple and pink and orange. She loved science fiction and space. She just never thought she'd ever see any of it up close like this or under these circumstances. It only took a few more moments of suffocating isolation before the Boss's frustration got the best of her and she stood from her seat to get out of the ship. She made her way to the doors of the ship as silently as possible so her redheaded hacker stayed asleep and quietly opened them.

"Can't sleep?" a voice behind her whispered. She turned quickly with her fist reared back and stopped just barely an inch away from Johnny's face. She shut her eyes and dropped her fist with a sigh. This whole sleep thing was really fucking her up if she didn't recognize his voice.

"I almost decked the fuck out of you, Johnny", she whispered back, turning to make sure Kinzie was still asleep. "Why are you awake right now?"

"I'm pretty sure I just asked you the same thing, Boss". The doors slid open and she waved for him to follow as she started walking. His steps fell in time with hers as they exited the ship just to end up in another ship.

"So, why are you up?" she asked again. Johnny shrugged.

"Just can't sleep. Thought about blowin' off some steam in the simulation but...not as good as the real thing. Computer killin' just ain't as good as feelin' recoil while blastin' some asshole to pieces and feelin' ya legs burn when you run from the cops". The Boss nodded in agreement. "Super powers be damned".

"You're right. I won't lie, I miss those days. Wind through your hair while running from cops. Bullet shells bouncing off your arms and shoes. Fuck, man", she sighed. "Space is cool as fuck and all but earth being gone still fucking sucks when it comes down to the simple shit we used to take for granted".

"Tell me about it", he chuckled. "But fuck it, I'm back and we have an entire empire and fuckin' time travel. Just gonna take some time to get used to. Though, I'd still kill for a Freckle Bitch's". Zin patrols around the ship bowed their heads as they passed by, acknowledging their new leaders and she nodded back as they continued their stroll of the ship. Johnny smirked a bit. "From church to a spaceship".

"Yea. All this space and I've never felt so fucking closed in in my life", she sighed. The Boss turned to Johnny who was already looking at her.

"Ya know, the crew. They've been talkin', Boss. They know somethin's up with you. They're worried". The Boss squeezed her eyes shut and sighed heavily. "And I noticed Matts been...jumpy. I dropped my knife and the kid nearly came out his fuckin' suit, which ain't nothin' knew but it wasn't like usual. He was freaked out about somethin'". The lump in her throat came back and her frame began to heat up when she recalled what happened. She made him promise to keep his mouth shut about something that someone needed to know about. He made Kinzie come forward about Johnny, but Matt knew he couldn't make her come forward about what happened in that simulation, if it even actually happened. It was so real. The shift in everything. The way it all crumbled into something dark and broken and...decayed. And the wireframe program that followed her every move. It never attacked on it's own. It waited for her to make the first move each time and mimicked her, making her attack herself. She could still feel a light throb in her knee.

"Is he okay?" she asked. They stopped at the top of a bridge in front of a large windshield that overlooked everything outside. The red and black angular exterior of the ship. All the smaller transport ships coming in and out of the docks. And stars. So many stars with blending streaks of orange and pink and so many purples through it all, like colorful tears in twinkle light speckled black paper.

"I don't know, Boss. Is he?". She looked up at him to see him already looking at her like he was piercing into her brain through his glasses. "The only things you don't know are half of what Kinzie says and 3/4's of the words she uses. Did that kid see or hear something he shouldn't have?". The Boss leaned her elbows against the railing of the bridge and let her head hang. She knew what it was that Matt saw, but he didn't know what was there. What she felt and saw happen. Times like these, it drove her fucking nuts how smart Gat was.

"The other day...I went into the simulation. Kinzie had cleaned up some small glitches here and there and I told her I'd go check it out and took Pierce with me so we could ride around the city like we used to. Back on earth. It was fine. She cleaned everything up real good. Of course, the fucking pedestrians still like to run out in the middle of the road-"

"Boss"

"Sorry, sorry, I know I'm rambling. Anyway, it all went smoothly and I went to the park so Pierce could come back to the ship. I was going to see how well the security programs worked since Kinzie's clean up. I headed towards the Three Count and that...that's where shit got weird", she trailed, biting her lip. Johnny leaned against the rail beside her.

"What happened?" he asked. A frustrated hand ran through her hair and she sat down on the bridge, leaning her chin against the lower rail as her eyes stayed concentrated on the universe outside. Johnny followed suit and sat beside her.

"That's the thing. I know what I saw and did but...apparently its...not what happened"

"The fuck do you mean?", he asked. "That makes no sense". She frowned.

"I mean what happened to me, what I saw, and what Matt saw aren't the same thing. The closer I got to the Three Count, the less people were there until everyone just flat out fucking disappeared. Nobody was there. There weren't even any cars. I got out to look around and see if I could find anything and there wasn't anything there, so I fired off a round to try to activate the security program but...instead of a portal showing up, everything blurred for a split second. So I did it again and that made it do it again but longer. So, I threw a fireball into a store and hoped maybe that would trigger the security protocol but...". She trailed off again, trying to think of the right words to use. She knew what she saw.

"Keep goin'", Johnny said. Was this starting to sound batshit? Yea. So did everything else going on and he needed to know what had Matt so on edge. This was starting to go beyond just her anxiety and depression.

"Everything changed. The sky turned almost fucking black. Buildings and shit started changing colors and almost breaking down. Like it had all been abandoned. It was all dark and almost decayed looking. And then...a program showed up. One of the wireframe ones that are just a silhouette. I turned around and it was just standing by my car, so I pulled my guns and walked closer to it. It didn't move until I was about 5 maybe 6 feet away. Then...the fucking thing started copying me. It didn't have any guns but it was mimicking me so I shot it in the knee to see if it would react and when I did...somehow...it shot me, too. We both went down and got up at the same time. I threw a fireball at it and it did the same to me. I tried to back away, it got close. I got close, it backed away, so I led it down an alley and made it crack it's head against the wall and I thought that was it..."

"Was it?" he asked, his brows furrowed. This sounded like some horror shit. Is this what Matt saw?

"...no. The fucking thing was bleeding everywhere and half of it's fucking skull was caved in but...it got back up. It was twitching and jerking all over the place. It was still bleeding and it's skull was still fucked up but it was getting closer and still mimicking me so I figured...if it did everything I did, then there was still a way I could kill it. I pulled my revolver and spun the chamber and put the gun to my head and it did the same thing. I was about to pull the trigger until I heard Matt screaming and I blinked and I was still in the car in the park, but I still had the gun to my head. There weren't any bullets in the gun when I was with the program but when I was in the car and I dropped it into the console...it was loaded. According to Matt, I had been sitting in the car for an hour before I pulled the gun on myself...". At this point, she was staring at nothing.

"Boss", Johnny said.

"Hm?" she replied, not looking up.

"I'm over here", he said, waiting for her to look his way. Her eyes turned in his direction and she could see the frown embedded in his face. The one he wore when something actually bothered him. When something was really wrong. "You need to stay out of the simulation for a while. That's some fucked up shit. Are you serious Matt didn't see any of that?". She shook her head.

"He kept screaming at me about how I was about to blow my own brains out. All he saw was me sitting in the car"

"But you were fightin' with some fucked up copycat program?"

"Yea...I know what I saw and I know what happened but...at the same time, what if it was in my head?". This was it. She was finally breaking down. It was all finally coming back to fuck with her and she couldn't do anything to put a leash on it.

"That's too detailed to be somethin' that was just in your mind, Boss. Maybe one of the Geek Squad messed somethin' up in the coding or whatever. Just stay out of the simulation for a while. Last thing we need is for you to suddenly go brain dead because somethin' made you shoot yourself". She squeezed her eyes shut and bit into her lip. Was it a hallucination? Was it the simulation fucking with her? Was this some sick joke by one of her computer geeks in an attempt to get even? She didn't have a single fucking clue and by the look on Johnny's face, neither did he.

Johnny had seen and heard a lot of crazy shit in his life, his simulation being one of them, but the shit Boss was telling him was on another level of fucked. He always knew they weren't the most sane people in the world, otherwise they wouldn't have built up the reputation that apparently reached out farther than they thought, but this? He didn't know what could've happened in that simulation to make two people see two different things at once, but he knew that whatever it was, it wasn't a fan of the Boss and he'd be damned if he let her get taken out by a piece of glitchy ass technology, the same technology that made years of his life a never ending cycle of heartbreak and torment. Again, he turned his attention to the Boss and saw her staring out the window, her eyes looking glazed over. That look was suddenly familiar and he realized after their first talk what it meant. She had the same look on her face each time something affected her on a personal level up until he was abducted. He knew what that meant. She was shutting down. She was numbing herself to her own emotional distress and pushing it to the back of her mind. Not a lot bothered the Boss in the long run but when something actually did in those rare instances, she became fierce about it. Passionate. But only when it came to the nitty gritty parts. The getting even parts. Revenge. God, she was good at being vindictive and getting even. Just ask Maero. The Boss knew how to hurt people and used it to her full advantage but now, there was nobody else to hurt or get even with. Now, she was just left with the feelings she had pushed aside to make room for revenge plots and hit lists. He didn't like that look. It meant pieces of her were dying and he knew better than anyone what that felt like. He knew what it looked like, too.

"And who's going to go in and take care of shit in the simulation if I can't, Johnny? Pierce? He still gets uncomfortable around the mascots outside of Planet Zin. Matt and Kinzie need to be behind the keyboards. Shaundi spends most of her time arguing and then making nice with herself. Young Shaundi can't go anywhere on her own without possibly being ganged up on. I don't know what the fuck Keith's beef is. Ben is too soaked up in his new book he's writing. Asha probably could but she'd take her sweet ass time with her 'order of operation' shit. CID has no fucking arms or legs. And I'm not gonna ask you to keep going back into a computer you've been hooked to for fucking years", she said blankly. Johnny rolled his eyes.

"Look, I didn't say it was gonna run smoothly. But if that's the shit you're seeing when you go under and all anyone else sees is a suicide attempt, maybe you need to back away for a while. You've had to spend more time in that thing than anyone else and its bound to start fuckin' you up eventually. And I don't mind going back in if it means gettin' to spread some mayhem and murder and blowing shit up since now I have the choice. Besides, what the fuck are we gonna do if your brains get fried? You're still the Boss and shit can't run right without you". She scoffed.

"Not according to Keith. As far as he's concerned, me and Zinyak are practically the same". A small part of her was still bothered by that. Keith wasn't Julius, but he had come so close to being exactly that after all of the fuss he made about being nothing like him.

"He wasn't serious, Boss". To be totally honest, he hadn't actually forgiven Keith for that little stunt he pulled. The only reason he had let it go was because the Boss forgave him and Shaundi liked him and judging by the way she was screaming at him on the bridge, she straightened his shit out right then and there, which was fine, but that didn't mean he had to also forgive him. It was some grade A Julius shit he had done and he fully intended on fessing up the Boss for some bullshit that was not only a half truth but also a complete fucking gamble since he couldn't confirm ANY of it without someone finding out about his little scheme. The even shittier thing about it was that he even managed to briefly turn them all against each other to cover up his tracks and was going to let Matt and Asha take the fall. From an outside perspective, the plan would come off as brilliant, but in the long run, it was a shitty thing to do to your own and all it did was remind him of Julius and Troy, who was also on his eternal shit list. He didn't give a damn how many times he got them off the hook after they took over Stilwater, the motherfucker was a traitor and his hands were just as dirty as the rest of theirs. "And that's another reason we can't have you goin' brain dead on us. I'm not gonna go around playin' nice nice with some motherfuckers that started the fight in the first place, I don't give a shit what they say they can do. Keith wants to go around waving peace signs and shit, by all means, go do that shit on your own. In the meantime, I prefer killin' the motherfuckers that started it and I can't do that if he's in charge because then, I gotta hurt him and if I hurt him, Shaundi'll get upset. Get my point?". A small smile came across the Boss's face.

"I never did like having to play nice with people that hit me first", she said as she picked her head up from the railing and leaned it back with a deep breath. There it was. The glow in her eyes. The fire. It was only a flicker right now, but it was there and it was better than that lifeless glassy look she'd been wearing lately. She was his favorite person to kill with. Imagining a time where they weren't out murdering and destroying shit together almost fucked him up as much as his simulated Hell hole. She was his best friend, his equal, and his Boss and he wasn't about to let any of that change for any reason. The Boss let out a small laugh and turned back to him. "So...now that the pussy shit is out of the way, think we should head back now and try to sleep or what?". He shrugged.

"I dunno. I'm not tired and you don't seem to be either". She nodded. He was right. She wasn't.

"I'm not. Fuck, it's not like we have anywhere we need to be, anyway", she chuckled at her own badly timed joke, to which Johnny laughed, too. "We can't stay gone too long, though"

"Why not?"

"If we do, everyone's gonna assume we're fucking". 'Again', she thought to herself. He laughed.

"Let them think it if they want. Not like we haven't before, so they wouldn't be that far off really"

"Oh, I know. Pierce still likes to tease me about it", she said as she put a hand over her face to cover up the small blush that tinged her cheeks. She meant every word of what she said before...well...'it' happened. They just didn't talk about it afterwards and kept on as usual, which didn't bother her. She just still couldn't believe it had happened. And she never did get to find out what his thoughts were in response to what she said, but she didn't push. The fact that it happened was enough for her, so she simply stifled her curiosity. That wasn't to say there wasn't a part of her that really wanted to know what he was thinking but he made the first move, so she assumed it couldn't be anything too bad.

"Considering how much we all tease him, I'd say he's earned a few jabs here and there". Johnny remembered what happened. Vividly. There wasn't one detail he DIDN'T remember. He remembered everything she said too before he found himself attached to her lips. He hadn't been that surprised to hear what she had to say since the night they went to take out Tanya and she (well, he at the time) made the comment in the elevator about the hep Tanya more than likely had. The first time he heard her speak and THAT was the doozy she chose. In all honesty, that was probably the moment he decided he truly liked the Boss after all the time she spent not saying a word. It meant a lot to him that he was missed (even if that wasn't how he would word it) and that the Boss made it a point to show him everything he had missed in his time on Zinyak's ship. Though, he did kinda wish Matt didn't listen in on them talking while going through the whole Genkibowl thing. That was really supposed to just be between him and the Boss but at least he said what he needed to and it felt good to be out of that sidescroller and somewhere else, killing with a friend that was willing to stop everything to save him. So, when she told him to shut up and listen that day, he did just that. And more. A lot more. Holy hell, so much more. It actually left him wondering why they hadn't decided to do that sooner but they both knew why. He wasn't over what happened to Aisha. He loved Aisha but he still had some problems coming to terms with her death and that sidescroller made it almost impossible for him to. Thankfully, after he was busted out, he was able to slowly accept it. Of course, he'd always love her but he had to move on and he knew it. So, when he slept with the Boss, it somewhat surprised him that he didn't feel bad about it. It was definitely a spur of the moment thing, but with everything the Boss said and how he felt afterwards, he realized he had accepted what happened. And dare he say it but perhaps he cared about the Boss more than he thought. But they never spoke about it and he didn't want to complicate anything while they were dealing with the insanity that was an alien attack and the overthrow of an intergalactic warlord. He glanced over at her and saw her laying on the bridge with her arms folded behind her head finally asleep. Considering what she was dealing with now that she decided to come forward to him about her own problems, he wasn't too sure if he should confront her as she did him on the topic but that definitely didn't mean he wouldn't eventually. He laid down beside her with an arm behind his head as he stared out the window at the vastness of the black and everything peppered in it. She risked everything to bring him back to where he belonged.

Maybe now it was his turn to do the same for her.

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 **Boss: So. Yea. Someone please review this. I don't know if anyone is actually reading this or just skimming it but some feedback would be nice. Thanks.**


	6. Tension

**Boss: Shoutout to BlackRose6270 for being my first review. I really appreciate it and I hope you continue to enjoy the story as it progresses.**

 **Anyway, here's the next thing. Read and review.**

 **Enjoy.**

* * *

The Saints were a lot of things. Celebrities, murderers, thieves, assassins, gangsters, pop icons, intergalactic rulers, etc. etc. but if there was one thing they couldn't necessarily claim to be, it would probably be art critics. If it didn't have tits, ass, abs, pecks, or a stripper pole involved, they really didn't care what was painted on a piece of paper, canvas, or a wall. Tattoos were a different thing, though and they definitely could appreciate them. Pierce had tattoos, Shaundi had tattoos, Johnny had tattoos, and the Boss was covered in tattoos. It would put a lot of people off normally, but the Boss's tattoos seemed to just flow together in a way, causing some to ask questions on occasion, especially Kinzie and Keith. After rescuing the Boss from the simulation, both became fully aware of all of the tattoos across the Boss's body. Keith didn't really care. The man wasn't big on body art and only asked 'why?'. Kinzie, on the other hand, developed a small curiosity. There were so many of them and shockingly enough, compared to a lot of other 'gangster tattoos' she'd seen before, Boss's tattoos were actually very nice. None of them seemed to be anything done by a dodgy artist in a crackhouse or any other stereotypical place you'd think a gangster would get inked. They were clean and well cared for, especially the fleur de lis on her neck and the stars on the left side of her face. Those seemed to be the ones she cared about most. However, in terms of piercings, she was the only one with any outside of ear piercings, though her lobes were stretched. And it wasn't just one or two. She had 3 lip rings, 2 nose rings, 2 rings in one eyebrow, 3 in the other eyebrow, a tongue ring, and judging by the outline of her space suit, probably a navel ring. She liked piercings, what could she say? The concept of piercings didn't go above Kinzie's head. She had seen all kinds of 'fun' piercings back on earth in Safeword. The times in the White House when the Boss had to take them out before press conferences and meetings kind of made her uncomfortable. The Boss didn't look right without all her metal and ink, but considering the job, she supposed even the Boss knew when it was necessary to tone it down a bit, albeit she did it begrudgingly. That, however, was no longer a problem. A corner of the ship in the main computer room was set up as a tattoo corner after they had found tattoo equipment on the ship amongst all of the other things they had gathered from earth. Why they had this stuff, they didn't know since the Zin had no tattoos but they didn't question it. Why argue with a good thing?

"Does anybody here even know how to use this shit?" Pierce asked, fiddling with the machine. The Boss took the machine from him and set it back on the table with the containers of ink.

"Why? You want another tattoo, Pierce?" she asked.

"Not if none of us know what the hell we're doing". The Boss nodded and they hadn't spoken about the equipment for days. The Boss would occasionally tinker around with it, taking it apart and putting it back together, but other than that, no one really touched it.

* * *

Writer's block had to be the absolute most frustrating thing Ben had left to deal with. Sure, he had notes and scenarios galore, but for some reason, actually watching the Boss in action in the simulation made the words just flow. The Boss hadn't gone into the simulation in quite a few days, which he found strange but he noticed she had been a bit...off lately, so he didn't think anything of it. Being the Boss wasn't easy. He understood. Leading the Vice Kings was no stroll through the park for him, either, so leading an entire alien empire couldn't be any easier. And neither was this fucking writer's block. He sighed and ran a hand over his head before getting up from his spot at the table in the kitchen. Maybe she'd be up to help him out a bit.

"Hey, playa. Where you at?" he said as he went into the living room to find her. She wasn't in there but Pierce was. "Pierce, you know where the playa is at?" Pierce looked up from his book and shrugged.

"Boss said something about wandering around the big ass ship we're parked in to find something to mess with, I think. Zinjai should be with her", he responded.

"Alright, thanks, man". Ben quickly made his way to the doors of the ship and opened them.

"Where are you going?" Kinzie piped up from her corner.

"I'm going to find the playa. I need to talk to her about some things"

"Like what?"

"I got some writer's block and I wanted to see if she could help me out with it". He made his way out before she could respond and a frown made it's way to her face. She didn't really think it was a good idea to be asking the Boss about or for anything really, but he didn't seem to be too worried or even aware of what was up with her, so she simply let him go as she turned her eyes back to her laptop, going through rows of programming and code. Matt had come to her and asked her to scan for any abnormalities in any of the pedestrian programs in the Port Pryor area while he went through and searched for any possible viruses, corrupted data, or anything along the same lines within the entirety of simulated Steelport. Kinzie asked him why since she had just done another scan a few days before but the distressed look on his face told her that they would have to have this conversation another time so she simply did as asked. It wasn't often she listened to Matt without question, but at the same time, it wasn't often that Matt would ask her to do something in earnest because he actually needed help and not just because he deemed what he was doing to be more important. He asked her to work with him to attempt to remedy something that was beginning to exacerbate an ongoing issue that seemed to plague their Boss. A few more minutes of scanning through Port Pryor and Kinzie let out a frustrated sigh. Nothing. She couldn't find anything and it began to frustrate her. She didn't even know what it was she was supposed to be looking for but everything was reading as normal. No viruses or coding errors or anything of the type. For once, she actually didn't know what the hell was going on or how to fix it. She actually didn't know and it not only became frustrating but it also began to scare her a bit. It was her job to know and now that it came to a person and not a form of technology, she was baffled. Technology could be controlled, predicted, manipulated. It could be changed, taken apart, put back together. People, on the other hand, were complex. You couldn't read their thoughts and feelings like coding when you looked at them, when you looked into their eyes. There were so many things to see in a person's eyes that couldn't be so easily deciphered. Swirls of mixed emotions and frantic thoughts, unspoken promises and secrets, silent pleas and hopes, all of which were swirled together in varying shades of rainforest leaves and tree frogs after rainfall or maybe more like soft, innocent jade beads that shifted to shades of olive or light blue blended into grey as if to signal an oncoming storm to dark blue oceans you could easily drown in or maybe even a bright pastel blue that one couldn't help but to gaze into. Perhaps those eyes were golden hues of hazel that almost glowed in the dark or changed colors like a kaleidoscope. Or midnight irises like the universe outside the ship that shone like freshly polished onyx beads to a dark chocolate brown that was almost black. Maybe it was more like soft milk chocolate wrapped in gold or freshly dug up earth after a light drizzle to an almost otherworldly burgundy red brown that shifted in different lights. Kinda like the Boss's. She couldn't think of one person that could readily decipher her just by looking at those confusingly red and brown eyes except Johnny and even if he knew what she was thinking or feeling, he never told anyone's business like that. Kinzie put her face in her hands and pushed her bangs away from her face, taking a deep breath. The complexity of the human soul was beginning to drive her insane. She couldn't just apply a mathematic formula and solve for x or scan her boss for a possible virus and simply reprogram her.

"Have you found anything yet?" she heard Matt ask as he stepped down into her corner. She rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"No. Everything within the simulation is EXACTLY as it should be. No abnormalities, no coding errors, no viruses, no corruptions, no hidden rogue programs, no respawned programs, no hostile security protocols, nothing. There's nothing here", she said, clenching her jaw. "Did you find anything?" she asked, to which he let out a deep sigh.

"No. Nothing on my end either. I even checked the programs for all of the past enemies made crew and none of them have any type of corruption other than their normal shitty attitudes", he said, rubbing his eyes. He couldn't understand it. What was it? What was in that simulation that made the Boss display such out of character and (for once) shocking behavior? True, the Boss did a lot of shocking things, but it was always pointed at someone else and was to be expected. Matt never expected her to turn on...herself.

"Matt, why are we doing this right now?" Kinzie suddenly asked him. A knot appeared in his stomach and he became fidgety in a way outside of his norm. He became tense, rigid. His childlike air disappeared and for once, he came off as an adult dealing with a serious problem, which made Kinzie incredibly uncomfortable. Something was wrong. He knew something and wasn't telling her. "Matt. What happened?". He shook his head and looked away.

"I...I can't tell you what happened. But just know that there's a chance that this is more serious than we thought originally".

"Why can't you just tell me what it is?" she asked, evidently annoyed but not at him.

"Because I'm not going to let this escalate if I'm wrong but if this is as serious as I think it may be, you'll know", he sternly stated. Usually, he would bait her when she began to use her snappy tone, but right now, he couldn't tolerate it. He couldn't deal with her snappy attitude despite it not being pointed in his direction. "And if I have to show it to you, then there may be a chance that we'll have to confront the Boss sooner and on more...serious terms. I'm not asking you to change your attitude towards me, I'm just asking you to cooperate with me. That's all". As he walked back to the cargo bay, Kinzie sat in silence, mulling over his words and attempting to come to terms with her discomfort.

* * *

By the time Ben managed to find the Boss, she was making her way back to the ship as she spoke to Zinjai who nervously followed her around.

"I assume you're pleased with the materials you found?" he heard him say. The Boss nodded as she wiped her hands across her thighs, leaving behind light purple stains.

"Yea, I did. Thanks. Didn't think I'd ever appreciate a hoarder. Anyway, I'm going back to my ship. You can go...do whatever it is you do", she said. Zinjai bowed.

"Of course. Thank you, your Excellency", and he quickly scurried away. The Boss raised a brow as she watched him and continued to make her way back to the ship. She stopped as Ben came into view.

"There you are, playa. I've been looking everywhere for you", he said. She slightly cringed.

"Fuck, what did I do now?" she said, mulling over everything she could've possibly done within the past few days but Ben kinda chuckled.

"Nothing yet. I was wondering if you were up to help me out with my book. Maybe stage a little mayhem in the simulation for me to help me get the words flowing again. You in?". The Boss thought for a minute. It had been a few days since she went into the simulation. Perhaps that mishap before was a one time thing and her trigger finger was kinda itchy. It couldn't hurt to go have some fun for a short while.

"Sure, fuck it. Why not?" she shrugged as they both headed back into the ship. Kinzie's eyes followed the two as they came back in.

"I'll go grab my stuff real quick and meet you in there, playa", Ben said as he headed up the steps. The Boss nodded, rubbing the back of her neck nervously. She couldn't lie, she didn't think Johnny would be too good on the idea of her going back in after what she told him, but Ben needed some help and wandering around a ship half the size of the US was annoying her since she kept getting lost, leading her to have Zinjai follow her and Zinjai's conditioned subservient attitude drove her up a wall a bit. She knew the poor guy couldn't help it which is why she didn't make a big deal about it but it was still annoying.

Lost in her thoughts, the Boss didn't notice Kinzie leave her corner with her laptop and go into the cargo bay where Matt was currently sitting a top a stack of boxes, tinkering around with whatever little bit of technology he could get his hands on to distract himself. Kinzie approached him and tapped his leg, getting his attention.

"What? Did you find something?" he said. Kinzie shook her head.

"No, but the Boss is about to go back into the simulation-"

"But that's an absolutely mental idea! We can't-" but this time, she interrupted him.

"It may be our shot to observe her and perhaps see what's been going on in the simulation. See if there's something more there than a coding error". Matt settled back down and frowned. Was letting the Boss do this a bad idea? Yes. But at the same time, so was waiting for it all to get out of hand before making a move to remedy it. He hopped down from his spot and sighed.

"Alright. We'll have to make sure she doesn't catch us watching her, though"

"Already have that taken care of. We can watch her from my laptop that way when she comes out, she won't know", Kinzie said as she planted herself on the couch, crossing her legs. Matt followed and sat beside her, his blue eyes concentrated on the screen. Now, they just had to wait for the Boss to go under.

The Boss was about to head upstairs when Johnny approached her, clearly annoyed. She sighed and turned to him.

"Johnny, before you say anything-"

"You know this is a stupid idea, right?" he said, cutting her off completely as he folded his arms. "You want to go back under and risk putting a bullet in your head again just to humor Ben and his fuckin' book?".

"It's only for a little while. I've got a bad case of itchy trigger finger and he needs some inspiration for whatever it is he's writing"

"Fine. Then I go under with you". The Boss simply looked at him. She knew he wasn't going to change his mind, so she nodded and they both headed up.

"Ben, Johnny's going in with me", she said as she passed the chair he was seated in. He looked up and simply nodded his head.

"That's fine. The main character could always use a sidekick", he said as he got up to put them into the simulation. "Start in the park. We'll go from there".

"Got it", she said before her vision went black and she walked through a light onto an island in the park lake. Johnny followed in behind her and rolled his shoulders.

"Alright, Ben. How does this work?" he asked.

* * *

A small alert on Kinzie's laptop went off and her and Matt immediately turned their eyes to the screen, seeing the Boss and Johnny in the park.

"Johnny? What's he doing there?" Matt asked.

"This is actually perfect. If there is something wrong in the simulation, he'll be able to back it up and if it's something more than the program, perhaps he can find out what it is", Kinzie said. The look on her face shifted from concentrated to a furrowed look of guilt and she bowed her head. "This feels wrong, Matt", she said.

"What do you mean?" Matt said. "We're trying to help-"

"Yes, I know but it's so...underhanded"

"We did worse when-"

"Goddamit, Matt, I know!" she suddenly yelled, thankful for the soundproof cargo bay doors. Matt actually briefly jumped back at her sudden outburst. "I know we're doing this to help her and I know we have to be careful about how we approach it, it just...she's always been honest with us. ALWAYS. She's never kept anything hidden from us or lied about anything to us. She's a homicidal sociopath with an extensive history of violence that can kill without question and yet, she's the most honest and loyal person I've met, which says something after my time with the FBI and when we made it to the White House. Not once has she lied to me, you, the crew, or anybody she came across as president. And yet, the only way we can think of to help her is to go behind her back and spy on her and try to decipher her strange moods and now we're having to go even farther as to do full on FBI surveillance on her because something is going wrong in either the simulation or...or in the Boss's head. And if it's something with the Boss, what do we do? How do we make her come forward about it? All this time, we just assumed her sociopathic behavior made her numb to everything else but...what if there's something more? What if there's something she's been hiding from us after all? What if there's actually something the Boss is afraid of? What if there's something the Boss has actually been lying about?".

For once, Matt was stunned into utter silence. No snarky insult to be heard in his thick British accent. No counter argument or theory. He hadn't known the Boss on a personal level as long as everyone else, but it still bothered him to no end that someone he had become familiar with and had come to trust over the years who risked their life for him was possibly stuck in something far more hellish than just the simulation they were all forced to endure. She had become someone he knew he could turn to even if it was about something as 'trivial' as his love of Nyteblade or as serious as his own thoughts and feelings toward everyone and everything. Perhaps the time they spent getting to 'know each other biblically' before had something to do with it and if anything, it only solidified their friendship, but he could agree and sympathize with Kinzie. Someone important to them was distressed and needed their help.

"If there truly is something wrong with the Boss, we'll figure it out. Perhaps something within the simulation will bring it to light. Regardless of how we go about this, something is going to have to give eventually. It doesn't mean we're going to necessarily feel good about ourselves while trying to go about this but if it gives us answers and perhaps a way to fix this, we'll have to take it. She's not a computer. We can't simply scan her for coding errors or anything that simple. She's a human and humans are perhaps one of the most pointlessly confusing things to ever happen to the universe", he sighed, trying to somewhat lighten the mood. Kinzie bit her lip and nodded.

"...I won't repeat myself but...you're right", she mumbled. A smirk came across his face but he kept his comment to himself as they watched the screen.

* * *

"Alright, now the main character and sidekick are on the hunt for a dangerous face from their past and have to draw them out into the open before facing them", Ben said, his voice echoing around the Boss and Johnny. Johnny looked up with a frown as he balanced his gun on his shoulder.

"I'm pretty sure it doesn't take a fuckin' genius to know who you're sending us after", he said. Ben laughed.

"Relax, this one ain't the one Kinzie modified for us. This is just the old program that was stashed away. It'll be hostile but it won't effect how the other program interacts with ya'll".

"Wasn't necessarily worried about that, but good to know", the Boss said, internally cringing at the thought of seeing Julius again, program or not. She didn't really make it a habit of calling others into the simulation with her, but when she did, she automatically skipped over Julius each time. Since the simulation was programmed to pull experiences and people straight from the minds of the people strapped in, everyone that had been brought back were pretty much themselves. As if Zinyak at one time put them under the same simulation before carrying out his attack on earth so many years later but Kinzie had explained it all to her after she began to rewrite them. In a way, it really was them. The simulation was able to piece them together exactly as they were based on the memories and psychological profiles of everyone that had ever come into contact with them prior and sure enough, they were all the grade A assholes they were when they were alive. But the Boss didn't hate any of them as much as she hated Julius, though Maero ran a close second to him.

"Head to Carver Island and do your thing", Ben said as the audio cut. The Boss went into her hub and had her Cyber Gunslinger spawned before hopping in with Johnny. A blank look stayed on the Boss's face as she started the car before she suddenly began to giggle out of nowhere, making Johnny look at her.

"You good, Boss?" he asked and she nodded, driving away from the park.

"Yea. Just thinking. I killed Julius before I broke you out of court, so this time around, you get to be there for his murder. Again". Johnny smiled a bit and nodded.

"I'll admit, it's pretty cool getting to see all this shit I missed before. Forgot how much of a busy body you were". A few flattened pedestrians later and the car soon stopped on the sidewalk. The Boss climbed out and armed herself.

"You wanna kill him this time around, Johnny?" she asked as they saw his car approach. He took aim at the windshield.

"Is that even a real question?". A flurry of bullets suddenly erupted from the Shokolov AR in Johnny's hands, forcing the vehicle to stop and Julius along with three Vice Kings to get out, charging at them with their guns drawn. A flurry of hate twisted in the Boss's stomach and she took aim at the Vice Kings running ahead of Julius, riddling them full of holes and staining their yellow and white shirts a vibrant red. A high pitched whine sounded off in the distance and they turned their heads to see the telltale flashing lights of cops approaching. It distracted them long enough to allow Julius to run off around the corner and the Boss let out a growl as Johnny took aim at the cops. "You take off after that asshole, I'll take care of these dickheads", he said.

"You sure?". Johnny grinned.

"I can just kill him later. Besides, multiple targets are more fun than one". The Boss took off after Julius who turned the corner and weaved through the small paths between the buildings before stopping, his back to her. She didn't question it as her fire buff became active and she fired flaming bullets into his back in rapid succession.

"I never should've saved your sorry ass", he suddenly said, his back still to her as the flames began to envelope him. There it was again. That deep drop in her stomach. This wasn't supposed to happen and she knew that. Something was wrong again. Julius turned to her, his form fully on fire as he approached her slowly. "I should've left you at the hands of those Vice Kings and let them end your crazy ass". She grit her teeth and fired more rounds at him, all of them hitting him in the chest. Blood and fire erupted from the wounds but it didn't phase him as he continued his stride.

"Go fuck yourself", she growled before aiming her gun at his head and firing. His head jerked back and he stopped for a moment before picking his head back up, a clean bullet hole right beneath the brim of his hat. His expression remained neutral as he simply stood there, staring at the Boss.

"I should've made sure you died in that explosion".

"FUCK YOU", she screamed before running at him and tackling his flaming form to the ground, grabbing him by the collar. "YOU TRIED TO KILL ME. YOU WERE GOING TO LET THEM KILL JOHNNY JUST SO YOU, TROY, AND DEX COULD GET AWAY WITH ALL THIS SHIT AND LIVE COZY. YOU ARE A FUCKING TRAITOR TO EVERYONE THAT PUT THEIR FUCKING TRUST IN YOU. THEIR LIVES". Julius simply looked at her.

"Since when do you understand the value of a life?". Her mind was suddenly blank. Her stomach twisted. She felt sick. And suddenly, there was nothing but rage. She could feel the flames that enveloped Julius begin to burn her but she didn't care. None of that mattered as she began to mercilessly slam her gloved fist into his face repeatedly. She could feel teeth cracking, skin breaking, blood spatter against her burning skin, but still, she didn't care. A blinding rage took hold of her, one she hadn't felt since she escaped prison. At this point, she wanted nothing but blood. Julius's blood. Eventually, she managed to stop and took her fist away from his face, her breathing heavy. Julius's face was nothing but red as he faced the wall. Something still wasn't right. Slowly, he turned his face back towards her but it wasn't his face. It was hers. "You don't. You never did. And you never cared, either". And suddenly, there was no control. She could feel her throat burning and her ears ringing as she screamed, her vision completely black.

The sound of a bullet brought her vision back. She blinked a few times and realized she was on the ground and she was staring up at the simulated sky. The smell of something burning caught her attention and she looked to her side to see the ground around her was on fire. And then, her mind registered pain. Ungodly amounts of pain. Her mouth opened but she couldn't make any sounds outside of a strangled gasp. Something heavy was atop her, only making the feeling worse and suddenly, Johnny was above her, pulling Julius's limp body off of her, making another gasp creep up her throat. He crouched down beside her, this time his normal mask of composure and ease replaced with panic and perhaps a bit of anger.

"Boss, are you alright?!" he said, setting his gun down to check her. All she could do was look up at him as she tried to collect her thoughts and process what all she felt. Her face was burning with pain and she could feel a slight coolness against her skin, as if it were wet. She lifted her arm slowly and touched her face, flinching at the sudden sting. When she pulled her fingers away, there was nothing but red. Blood. She was bleeding. Her other hand went to the hem of her shirt and slowly slid beneath it, feeling the bullet holes that were slowly disappearing riddling her torso. "Boss!". She looked back up at the sky and swallowed, the taste of blood in her mouth.

"That enough for you, Ben?" she said.

"Playa...that...that was amazing!" he exclaimed. "I never thought of the main character having such a conflict in the presence of their past enemy like that! That shit was brilliant! Imma go put all of this together now. Thanks a lot, playa".

"No problem, Ben", she said, shutting her eyes for a minute, thankful for Ben's dedication to his book distracting him. Johnny, on the other hand, knew better.

"Hey, Ben. Cut the audio before you go", he said. "Gotta talk to the Boss about some stuff real quick". Ben chuckled.

"Sure. 'Talk'. Alright. I'll see you guys back on the ship", he teased before the cut in the audio let them know they were alone. A minute passed before the Boss slowly rolled over onto her side and began to stand up, Johnny lending her a hand. She kept her eyes on the body of Julius.

"What happened?" she asked, knowing Johnny would get what she was asking him.

"You took off after Julius. After I finished off the cops, I tried to catch up with you two and I heard a scream. When I got here, you were on the ground, riddled to fuck and back with bullets, on fire, and Julius was beating your face in, so I put a bullet in the fucker. Now, you wanna tell me what the fuck that was about?"

* * *

Kinzie and Matt sat in silence in the cargo bay as they absorbed everything they just saw. The Boss had followed Julius through the alley and suddenly stopped across from Julius, who proceeded to fire every bullet in his gun at her with an active fire buff they didn't even know he had. The Boss simply stood there, taking hit after hit before Julius suddenly knocked her to the ground and straddled her rag doll like form and began to continuously punch her in the face, his rings making sickening cracking sounds against her cheekbones and jaw. Then, Johnny intervened, killing him before going over to the Boss to help her. Ben may have bought her bullshit play off of her just doing it to inspire him but they knew better. Kinzie, Matt, Johnny. They weren't buying it. And Matt noticed again that she had no recollection of the events that had just transpired. Kinzie held a hand over her mouth, the crunching sounds of bone still ringing in her ears. She had seen the Boss take a few hits before but not like this. This was wrong. This was all wrong. Matt clenched his jaw as he rose from the couch. It was just like before. She was willingly hurting herself, whether she realized it or not. And since Johnny was there to catch part of it, he knew she wouldn't be able to lie to him about what happened.

* * *

The Boss couldn't respond to Johnny. She couldn't find it in her to do it. She simply laid there on the ground, staring into nothingness. Another minute passed before Johnny got up and walked away. At first, she figured he had finally reached his limit with her craziness and made no efforts to get up until everything went black and she opened her eyes to see Johnny pulling her out of the simulation, his look of composure back on his face.

"Johnny, I-"

"Not again", he interrupted. A frown came across her face at his sudden remark.

"You can't seriously-" but he wasn't willing to listen to her make up excuses and dance around what he had just witnessed. He grabbed her by her arm and quickly led her out of the ship, thankful nobody was around to see them but at the same time, couldn't give a rat's ass if anyone did. Johnny opened the ship doors and continued to drag the Boss as far away from the ship as he could, shoving past any Zin walking too close and daring them to say some shit back to him. "Johnny, for real, what are you-", but he suddenly stopped as they approached a small dead end turn with a window facing one of the pod rooms, away from the main walkway.

"You're not going back into that fuckin' simulation", he said, still holding onto her arm. "Now, you're going to tell me what the fuck you saw and why the fuck I found you a bleeding burning mess while Julius wailed on you like you owed him money". The Boss was startled and, dare she admit, a bit scared. This was a part of Johnny she had never actually seen, much less been on the other end of. Interrogating people was one thing. He said similar shit when he wanted info but he never said it as fiercely as he was saying all of this to her now. He wasn't like this normally. He kept his cool even when he was out being a raving mad murdering machine, but right now, that cool was gone and it was replaced by something else. The Boss tried to find the right words to use that would perhaps get him to come back down from angry high he was on right now but nothing came to mind. To be honest, she would perhaps act the same way, but...that's not how things went in her mind.

"He...I...when I followed him, he stopped and stood there for a second, so I went to kill him but...he wouldn't die. I unloaded an entire magazine into him and even put one between his eyes but nothing worked. He started taunting me and saying shit so I tackled him and started beating the holy shit out of him and then everything went black and then I heard a gunshot and well...that's where you came in. That's what I saw. No big deal", she said quickly in attempts to downplay the situation but the look Johnny had told her there was no downplaying it.

"Boss. Don't try to fuckin' act like this is no big thing. You're not goin' back into that fuckin' computer". A wave of annoyance suddenly washed over her.

"I'm the fucking Boss and soul surviving world leader of the human race. What the hell are you doing telling me what to do? I'm your Boss-"

"I ain't talkin' to you as my Boss, I'm talkin' to you as my friend! You were my friend before you were my Boss, so don't try to pull rank on me like that now just because you don't like what I'm sayin'!" he yelled. She'd never admit it out loud but hearing Johnny yell actually scared her. Perhaps it was because it was such a rare thing, but either way, it made her want to shrink back into her skin. Now, however, wasn't the time for that. She was frustrated and confused.

"Johnny, it's no big fucking deal!" The metal box that was suddenly flying through the air and into the wall on the opposite side of the walkway told her that he thought otherwise.

"DON'T TRY TO TELL ME IT'S NO BIG FUCKIN' DEAL WHEN IT CLEARLY IS! THE YEARS I SPENT UP IN THIS SHIP DIDN'T MAKE ME FUCKIN' STUPID! SO DON'T TRY TO SUDDENLY PLAY THIS OFF LIKE THAT! THIS IS THE SECOND FUCKIN' TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED AND YOU WANT ME TO LET IT GO NOW?! I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU COVERED IN THAT MUCH BLOOD UNLESS IT WAS SOMEBODY ELSE'S! THIS SHIT IS GETTIN' OUT OF HAND, SO DON'T FUCKIN' TRY TO TELL ME NOW THAT IT'S 'NO BIG DEAL'!" he yelled. The entire section of the ship they were in became dead silent. Zin troops stopped in their tracks just to avoid making noise. The Boss was thankful now that they were on another part of the main ship and not on theirs. The crew didn't need to see this. The Boss looked at him for a moment as he took a breath and ran a hand through his hair, trying to calm himself down after his outburst. "Look, Boss, I didn't mean to yell-". He was cut off when she simply turned around and headed to another part of the ship by herself, ignoring Johnny calling her. His frustration mounted again and he growled, slamming his fists into the metal wall behind him, creating a huge dent before leaning his head against the wall. They both needed a minute to cool down.

* * *

The Boss stayed gone for a while into what Johnny assumed would be a late hour. The rest of the crew had turned in for the night, the ship filled with deep breaths and, of course, Pierce's nose trumpets, but Johnny couldn't sleep. He knew the Boss wasn't far but it did bother him how long she had stayed gone. They had never done something like that before and it only served to annoy him. Sure, she was the Boss, but she wasn't always the Boss. At one time, she had to answer to him, so her trying to pull that stunt wasn't going to slide by him so easily but at the same time...he probably shouldn't have lost his temper like that. Not at her. A frustrated sigh left him as he ran his hands over his face and he rose from his seat in the kitchen, heading out of the ship to go find the Boss.

Johnny mulled over what she had said she saw in the simulation as he went down the hall he had been in earlier. She said he began saying things, taunting her, but she didn't say what it was and it began to pique his curiosity. The only thing he heard before finding her was screaming and she was the one being beaten to a bloody pulp. Why was she seeing one thing but experiencing another? What was causing these...hallucinations? Steps coming towards him pulled him back to reality and he saw the Boss walking his way, wiping her hands across the thighs of her suit, leaving behind streaks of purple in varying shades. She looked up at him and stopped in her tracks. Johnny sighed and met her the rest of the way.

"Look...Boss...I didn't mean to yell at you back there like that", he mumbled. Apologizing had never been his strong suit, so at this point, the words tasted like sand paper and vinegar coming up his throat. "You're dealin' with enough shit as it is and the last thing you need is me losin' my shit at you like that so...yea...we cool?" he asked. She sighed tiredly, looking at the ground before back up at him with a small smirk.

"Yea. We're cool", she said. "I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have tried to pull rank and down play everything like that. I know it's serious, I just...I don't know why shit is suddenly getting so...weird".

"Yea, me neither", he responded, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and leaning his chin against her head. "Come on. We'll talk more on that bridge in front of that window you seem to like so damn much".

Not much talking happened while they sat together on the bridge the same way they did before. Johnny tried to find out what it was that Julius said to her in her 'hallucination' but she shrank back from the question, telling Johnny she would tell him later. Soon, she ended up dozing off mid conversation and Johnny took his spot beside her. The purple stains on her hands had drawn his attention and he grabbed her hand carefully as not to wake her. He inspected the stains, noticing how they covered most of her palm and wrapped around her fingers like rings. Random patches of purple were splattered across the top of her hands and he even found a few flecks going up her forearm, some of it spattering her dragon tattoo. He noticed the swipes of the same color wiped across her thighs and over her hips and wondered where it came from and why it was there but his eyelids soon let him know it was too late of an hour to be wondering that and he put her arm back across her stomach before laying beside her, folding his arm behind his head. He kinda smirked to himself at his own stupid ass pussy thought and dozed off as well.

He kinda wondered how many shades of purple she was.

* * *

 **Boss: Sorry it took so long to get this up. Had a brief period of writer's block. Please read and review. Input is welcome, just don't be an asshole. Thanks.**


	7. Strokes

**Boss: I'm gonna try to delve more into the other characters here and show some of their thoughts and opinions on things, but it will soon go back to Johnny and the Boss. Again, if anybody has any suggestions and input on anything, PLEASE TELL ME! I hate writer's block and sometimes, outside opinions help keep it away.**

 **Please read and review.**

 **Enjoy.**

* * *

Matt sat on his couch in the cargo bay, his head rested against his folded hands as he recalled the previous day and how Kinzie reacted to seeing the Boss's strange behavior. He had never seen stunned silence from her before. She always had something to say about something but this time, there was nothing. All of the intelligence she possessed didn't prepare her for what she witnessed and now, Matt had to decide if he was going to show her the recording from the first time it happened or not. The last time he felt this anxious and distressed was during the season finale of Nyteblade that had aired a week before the earth exploded and now, it was that times 10. He hated that he lied to the Boss about it staying just between them but it couldn't be helped. This wasn't healthy and it began to effect the rest of the crew. Nobody was used to her being in such melancholy and somber moods like this. They were used to sarcasm and humor at the expense of others and sex jokes. They were used to her being on top of everything and now, it was like she was resting at the bottom of the barrel. Like she had given up on something but they weren't sure what.

"Matt? Are you alright?". Matt jerked his head up to see Asha standing in front of him with with a frown on her face. "You've been sitting like that for an hour. What's wrong?". He sighed and put his head back against his hands.

"The same thing as before, Asha. The Boss", he said.

"I really think you're overthinking-". Matt cut her off as he picked his head back up and stared at her, his icy blue eyes piercing through her bright green ones.

"Asha, look me in the eye right now and tell me you haven't noticed it get worse. Tell me you haven't felt a tension around her so thick, it could be cut through with a knife. Or just an utter feeling of all around melancholy. Tell me that honestly right now and I will completely let it go", he said, leaning back against the couch and folding his arms. Asha was a bit taken aback at Matt's sudden change in behavior. His childlike and sometimes awkward demeanor was replaced with a no bullshit attitude that almost dared Asha to lie and say she didn't notice the same things the rest of the crew did.

"Alright, so perhaps there's something a bit odd about the way the Boss has been acting as of late but I don't think it's something that we should be so deeply concerned about", she said. Matt shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I deeply admire you, but sometimes I wonder if your lack of concern for others is because of your conditioning or is just a blatant disregard altogether". Even Matt couldn't believe what he was saying but his mind and mouth were running on autopilot. He couldn't decide if he had a spine or a death wish all of a sudden but the line between the two was too blurred for him to care. The Boss wasn't the nicest person they had ever met, all things past and present considered, nor was her moral compass always pointing in the proper direction but at the end of the day, she was still the one that saved them from a lifetime of mental torment at the hands of an alien headcase that collected people for fun, she was still the person that let him live and turn his life around after numerous attempts on her life from him and the people he worked for. She made an impact in his life and even forgave him for the attempted murder, so it made sense for him to be concerned, but he couldn't understand Asha's lack of concern quite as much. It could have been because of the distinctly opposing moral codes they lived by and it made sense. However, after everything that happened through the years since they met in Pakistan, they still managed to form a friendship of sorts and even bragged to each other about their kills, so why wasn't she concerned?

"I'm not lacking in concern, Matt", she firmly stated, "I just don't see anything that would be cause for alarm. That's all. Her shift in personality is very odd, but it's not a reason to become stressed and tense". Matt bit his tongue before saying something he would regret. He wanted to show her the cause for alarm. He wanted to tell her everything he and Kinzie had been going over, but Kinzie was already more people than he was supposed to tell and Asha had a real knack for confrontation, despite her expert stealth skills. He knew it would do more harm than good to show her what had happened and tell her how dead serious the Boss was about making sure nobody knew about what had happened in the simulation. Matt couldn't even begin to imagine what the Boss would do if she knew that Kinzie and Matt had been listening in and watching everything that happened yesterday and had she not played it off as if it were to inspire Ben's writing, Ben would be just as concerned as the rest of them. It made sense that Ben would think she only let that all happen for his story. He knew her when she first joined the Saints and saw just how practically bulletproof she was. Why else would she be beaten into the ground like that unless she let it happen? Except she didn't. Matt and Kinzie could see the Boss. They could see the sudden dull, glassy look in her eyes as if she just checked out of her own body while Julius continued to nearly kill her.

"Fine", he suddenly said. Asha's brows suddenly furrowed in confusion at his response.

"'Fine'? What do you mean by 'fine'?" she asked as he laid back on the couch and started playing on his handheld game. He shrugged.

"I mean fine. If you really think this is something not to be concerned over, than you don't have to be and you won't hear it from me".

"Matt, why are you suddenly so upset?". The game in Matt's hand suddenly said 'you lose!' and he sat up form his position.

"I'm upset for numerous reasons, Asha! And it's begun to pile up so much, I suddenly no longer care if yelling at a trained killer on a ship full of murderers will get me killed or not! Because everything has been so insane, I sometimes think that I'm still plugged into that godforsaken simulation and am anticipating waking up naked, covered in goo, running through a hostile alien ship waiting to die! And whether you like it or not, that sociopath that you're not very concerned about is the reason that I got a second chance! Do I have some strong opinions about the Saints? Yes! We didn't start out so well and first impressions tend to last when you're going back and forth trying to murder each other! Do we still give each other shit? Yes! Everyone on this ship does! But do you know what? She doesn't make fun of something I love that, mind you, no longer exists and has even become a fan of it AND left me the rights to it! She stood up for me when Kinzie wanted to leave me in the simulation and she had quite a few good reasons to leave me there! Perhaps it's because we're all stuck in the middle of utter blackness on a ship with no planet to go back to and no idea how to use our time travel ability without fucking up the timeline and possibly resulting in ALL of us being killed in Zinyak's invasion, but all things considered, we're all we have left and that sociopath saved all of our lives! So yes, I'm going to be concerned about her when all of her sarcastic remarks and everyday banter suddenly stop out of nowhere! I'm going to be concerned when her face is suddenly blank all the time as if she's walking around in a zombie like haze! I'm going to be concerned when someone we got to know and work with for all of this time suddenly takes a 180 turn in their normal behavior to such an extreme, it's like they're not even themselves anymore! And it drives me insane sometimes how disconnected you are in the most unnecessary of times! For the love of God, Asha, there is no Queen and country to fight for anymore! There are no more missions or undercover operations anymore! No more constant surveillance or eye in the sky! There is no England and America anymore! It's just us! The last of the human race and like it or not, we're going to have to watch over and take care of each other if we're going to fucking survive this! Because one way or another, it will effect all of us! So, please, consider expressing a fraction of concern!"

To say Asha was shocked at everything Matt had just said would've been the biggest understatement ever expressed. Matt's normal yelling was never anything to take too seriously and never anything especially harsh, but now, it was as if he had signed a contract saying 'yes, I want a trained secret agent to snap my neck like a toothpick and shove me through the airlock into the vacuum of space so my lungs can be sucked up between my teeth and my corpse can just float around for eternity'. Matt sat and awaited death, but instead, Asha nodded.

"You're right, Matt". Matt was dumbfounded.

"Wh-what?"

"I said you're right, Matt. I'm not going to say it often, but I do see your point. I will admit that the Boss's shift in personality does make me a tad bit uncomfortable and I'm not quite fond of it, so perhaps I will show a touch more concern". A small bit of relief washed over Matt. "However, if you ever speak to me like that again, I WILL make it a point to remind you why you shouldn't do that". And with that, Asha made her way back to her exercise equipment, leaving Matt to nearly choke on his own spit as he recalled what he had just said.

"Good God, I just nearly got myself killed"

* * *

It sometimes depressed Shaundi going into the simulation and seeing everything as it was before they ascended from celebrities to assassins to the White House. She missed how things were, but she also had a deep appreciation for how things were now. And being on a date with Keith David at the present moment while they sat at the Broken Shillelagh was definitely something she could appreciate. She had some reservations about Keith becoming the VP at first despite how big of a fan she was of him, but it ended up working and she developed a deep admiration for him that exceeded that of a simple fan and turned into her finally deciding to ask him out. Of course, being the only group of people left at the moment sped it along, but Keith was different. All of her other exes never did anything more with their lives. Some of them tried to come back into her life after seeing the party girl turn into a reality show star, but they were immediately shut down. She wasn't going to let them drag her back down. Keith, however, was always at the top to begin with. She knew he didn't want anything from her and wouldn't use her for something stupid. There was no longer an image to uphold for people to judge. Keith didn't want a piece of arm candy. Keith genuinely liked Shaundi and she genuinely liked Keith.

"So, what were things like here before you guys made it to the White House?" Keith said, taking a sip from his beer. Shaundi chuckled.

"Here or back in Stilwater?" she said. Keith smiled.

"Let's start with the day you were recruited. I'd like to know about the party girl that became the reality tv icon".

"Well,-"

"Sure". Both Keith and Shaundi turned to see Fun Shaundi take a seat with them at the table with a smile. "It all started with a few stunt jumps the Boss did when recruiting me-"

"Uhh, excuse me", Shaundi piped up to her younger self, "I believe he was asking me".

"I know. And who better to answer than me since everything is still fresh in my head?"

"How the hell did you even find us?" Shaundi asked her younger self, her eye slightly twitching. She turned to Keith with a bit of an apologetic smile. "I'm so sorry about this." He laughed.

"It's alright, Shaundi. I don't mind. If anything, she can help me get to know you better", he said. It was a bit odd to see the two Shaundis sitting together like this but at the same time, he figured it would give him a bit more insight into Shaundi as a person instead of Shaundi as a gang lieutenant and White House staff.

"Are you sure?" she asked, not wanting to scare him away somehow, but he returned a smile and gently grabbed her hand.

"I'm sure. I'm here because I want to know more about you now that we have the chance". Shaundi let out a sigh of relief and smiled at Keith.

"Did she ever tell you about the humongous crush we have on you?" Fun Shaundi said, her elbow on the table as she rested her cheek against her hand. Shaundi's face flushed red and she looked at her past counterpart.

"Did I ever tell you that you can be a real big mouth sometimes?"

"Hey, I'll have you know that our big mouth is what helped take down the Brotherhood and the Sons of Samedi". Keith raised his brows and looked at Shaundi.

"I would actually love to hear about that. I never got to hear the full story but I know you were key to the Saints ruling Stilwater". It had been a long time since she felt butterflies in her stomach, but somehow, Keith managed to make that feeling come back and she rubbed the back of her neck.

"Yea, I guess so-"

"Guess so? Girl, we were ESSENTIAL in all that shit. Not only did we give the Boss lead after lead in that mess, but we also helped take down the Brotherhood and get revenge after they killed Carlos, which I was definitely glad we did". A bit of a sad look crossed Shaundi's face at the mention of Carlos.

"Really?" Keith said. Shaundi nodded.

"Carlos was a really cool guy. Really nice. He was the one that helped the Boss escape prison in the first place and let her know how much things had changed. He was a little shy but he did his best with us. He was just a bit scared was all", she said. Fun Shaundi sighed.

"At least we got Jessica back for it. That bitch almost ran me over with her car", she said.

"That's crazy", he said. "So, what was it that you were doing when you joined?"

"Hacking, info gathering, drug pushing-"

"And helping everyone have a good time at the end of the day", Fun Shaundi smiled. Shaundi kinda laughed and nodded.

"Yea, and helping the crew unwind. I knew how to have a good time back then".

"It was necessary back then", Fun Shaundi said, taking a hit off of her bulb. "Though, I still think you have it in you".

"Where the hell did you pull that from? And what do you mean necessary?". Fun Shaundi rolled her eyes.

"Girl, we never left home without the bulb. And it was necessary, trust me". Keith took a sip from his beer and listened.

"How was it necessary?" he asked. Fun Shaundi leaned back in her chair and sighed.

"Well, you only know the crew as they've been since you met them, which is only since you became the Vice President, right?"

"Yes", he replied. Shaundi held Keith's hand and let her younger self explain, deciding to listen to herself for once as she also took a sip from her bottle.

"Back in Stilwater, things were really different. The Boss wasn't as chilled out as she is now. Pierce wasn't as fun loving and loose as he is now. Johnny only became more murderous after Aisha died but even he's managed to simmer down compared to how he used to be. The Boss was a hard ass, not to mention just an all around unpleasant asshole. I don't blame her for it, I mean she did have to go through some really heavy shit, so I could definitely get her being the way she was. I guess it bothered me more because she didn't let me tag along very much. I spent most of my time at first in the crib, gathering info and pushing drugs, or just around town, seeing if I could find anything useful. She didn't really take me out on the more dangerous stuff. At first, I thought it was because she thought I was a burden, but I realized she was trying to protect me because I had so much info and know how. People saw me as the weaker link but the Boss knew I wasn't. She listened to what I had to say and knew I was important, she just didn't want my life at risk, so it was alright after I understood that and she started taking me with her more often after we took down the Sons of Samedi. Of course, she was still an asshole, but she had a goal and a lot to do. After we took control of Ultor and Stilwater, she started to mellow out a bit. At least, that's where I am right now. And well, she knows the rest", she said, nodding towards Shaundi, who at this point was taking a brief walk down memory lane.

"Wow. That's really something, Shaundi", Keith said, turning to Shaundi as she looked back up at him. "You've come a long way from the party girl in dreads to the reality tv star".

"Thanks, Keith. Really", she said. It had been a long time since Shaundi had felt this at peace with anything or anybody but she was definitely appreciative of it and even more-so that it was with her long time crush, who still held onto her hand as if to let her know he was still there. They both turned back to young Shaundi, who sat there looking at them with what could almost be considered a grin. Shaundi raised a brow.

"What?"

"Huh? Oh, nothing. I just can't get over how cute I am with Keith David. Definitely better than I imagined it. Go, me!", she said, mentally patting herself on the back, knowing she would one day get the guy and not just some drug dealer or loser that would spend the rest of their life too high to even remember she was there. "So, what's it like?" she suddenly asked.

"What's what like?" Shaundi asked. She smiled at her older self.

"What's it like having a family again? Like after all the heavy bullshit passes and we finally get the chance to really settle together in a nicer place. What's it all like? Holidays? Birthdays? Do we sing karaoke with Pierce? Do we tally up our kills and compare them to Johnny's and the Boss's? Do we make the Boss laugh sometimes? Or smile? What happens?". She didn't expect to feel so emotional all of a sudden at the innocent question she asked herself but it wasn't in a bad way at all. It made her recall how hopeful she used to be. For once, she actually had something positive to say to herself.

"It's...It's wonderful. On holidays, everyone lets us take charge of everything. The decorations, the plans, everything, so most years, the top of the tree touches the ceiling. The Boss isn't too into the holidays, but she lets us go all out and before it's all said and done, we get her to join us and we all have a really good time. Of course, it sometimes takes a little alcohol, but she joins in. Pierce puts all of our favorite songs together and sometimes, we get him to wear the Santa suit and do karaoke. Valentine's Day, we mostly use for just partying like we used to and admitting that we actually like each other. Fourth of July is fireworks and explosives galore all night long. The Boss really loves Halloween, though. She goes all in for that. Turns out, she's really good with makeup and art stuff. Making things. We do haunted houses sometimes. Some of them for kids, others for the older teens and adults. She helps everyone with costumes and stuff. The whole month, she blares 'This is Halloween', both the Marilyn Manson and Tim Burton versions, and does some of her best assassinations since it's a good coverup for the blood everywhere. But it turns out, she's a bit of a sucker for kids, so she buys the jumbo candy bars for them and since she's practically in costume the whole time, nobody knows the head of the Saints is giving their kids candy. Celebrity or not, some people are still kinda careful around us. We go with her, too. Pierce puts on Halloween concerts and makes sure our merch still sells. Johnny just likes scaring the shit out of people, so when we finish giving the kids candy, we all go to Pierce's concerts and gatherings and go through scaring the piss out of people. Thanksgiving is surprisingly tame until someone pisses someone else off or drinks too much and they end up playing a random game of 'Pilgrims and Indians' where nobody knows which side they're on but everyone is trying to kill each other regardless. It's actually pretty funny until someone gets mashed potatoes in Johnny's hair. Then he suddenly becomes England and everyone's trying to find a safe place to keep away from him and not die". As Shaundi sat and explained everything that happened after taking down Ultor, younger Shaundi crossed her arms on the table and leaned in to listen. Keith simply sat there and listened to her talk, smiling the whole time as he absentmindedly rubbed his thumb in circles over the top of her nautical star tattoo on her hand. He couldn't remember the last time he saw her this at ease if ever at all and it was nice. Her features were relaxed and not crinkled up into a frown or scowl. She was having a relaxed conversation that didn't center around something that made her angry or annoyed. Instead, she was sharing the pleasant things that happened after joining the Saints, which surprised him. There were very few times he heard of gang affiliations leading to something good, but the woman by his side proved to him it was possible.

Younger Shaundi sat quietly while she took in everything she had to say and it was amazing. From what she was hearing, despite all of the shit people kept trying to throw at them, they not only came out on top, but they came out even better as well. Of course, hearing about what happens to Johnny kinda bothered her, but seeing as how he wasn't dead and still as bad ass as ever made her not worry about it so much. And the Boss apparently learned to take a chill pill every so often, which was also a plus. Knowing they would someday be abducted by aliens and the earth would be blown up did suck, but at the same time, they not only survived, but they got to travel through space with Keith David and that was more than she could ask for.

In short, she was pretty chill with everything meant to happen.

* * *

"So, you guys here listen to music at all?" Pierce asked Zinjai as he rifled through some of the stuff Zinyak had stashed in the boxes around the ship.

"Well, yes. Classical. Zinyak was quite a fan of Bach and Beethoven", he replied. Pierce shook his head.

"Naw, not like that. I mean other stuff. Pop, rap, rock, dubstep, alternative. You know, all that"

"There was one song outside of classical he allowed. I believe it was called 'Just a Friend' by one Biz Markie, correct?". Pierce's face twisted up into a frown as he recalled him cutting into he and the Boss's car karaoke during that song. Bitch.

"Yea, that's it. But there's more than just that out there. Well, was. Or maybe still is. Hell, I don't know. Anyway, I'm gonna show all ya'll how we did things back on ea-" but he stopped when he pulled the top off of one container and saw all of the music equipment within. A grin spread across his face. "Aaawwww, shit, here we go! This is what I was looking for! I knew that asshole had something like this around here", he said, looking through the boxes next to it to find more. "Zinjai, my man, you gon' learn today"

"Learn what, your grace?". Pierce shook his head as he began to pull everything out.

"Heh, 'your grace'? I could get used to that. You're gonna learn how to let loose".

"Let what loose?"

"Man, just do what I say, 'aight?"

* * *

CID liked to mind his own business and stayed in his room most of the time, not really wanting to get mixed up in the Saint's shenanigans any more than he really had to, even though the Boss told him he was a Saint, so when his door opened and Johnny was standing on the other side, he knew it couldn't be good.

"Johnny. To what do I owe the terrifying pleasure of this visit?" he asked. Johnny raised his brow as he stepped into the room, letting the door shut behind him.

"I just got some questions I need to ask you that you're gonna keep between the two of us unless you got a death wish. That clear?"

"Crystal. What is it you would like to know?" CID asked.

"Does the simulation ever do shit on its own? You know, without anyone telling it what to do?". CID processed the question for a minute.

"You're asking me if the simulation has any form of sentience, correct?". Johnny rolled his eyes.

"Yea, sure, what the fuck ever. Does it?"

"The simulation was built to house the minds of any connected to it and pull their personal nightmares from their psyche. In order to establish this, it had to be given a form of sentience to decide what could be used to build each person's nightmare without instantly causing a psychological breakdown. Zinyak preferred to prolong suffering in order to get a better result as if it were a fine wine.". A brief silence passed between man and robot as Johnny thought over what CID told him.

"So, yes"

"Yes"

"That's all you had to say. So, since that Zinyak mothahfuckah is gone, does that have any effect on the simulation?"

"Since Kinzie and Matt have hacked their way through the system, it has, in a way, become dormant as it registers that there are others that have taken Zinyak's place in terms of primary control of the system itself. However, it is still the main basis the system was built upon and is essential to keep the entirety of it running. In short, since Kinzie and Matt have taken control, it should have no outward effect on anything we have changed within the simulation"

"Shouldn't? Is there a way it could?"

"Of that, I am uncertain. Sentience and technology is more often than not unpredictable and should be monitored at all times-"

"Like you"

"I suppose. But since the simulation itself is within the sentient program, there is no way to truly monitor its intentions. We would have to, as you say, roll with the punches if we were to attempt to keep an eye on it to ensure it remained without sinister intent".

"Can't you check for that shit?"

"Not quite. Despite my technologic shell, I am still the subconscious of a person. I do not possess the capability to monitor a program controlling a program. To tamper with it would possibly cause it to shut down, which would cause everyone still trapped within it to go brain dead and you all really would be the absolute last remaining humans left". A groan escaped Johnny as he reached up beneath his glasses and rubbed his eyes, taking in everything he was told. There was really no definite way for them to find out if there was something in the simulation causing the Boss's hallucinations or if it was the Boss's own head causing them without risking killing off the rest of humanity that was still put under. If worse came to worse, he would have to talk to the Saint's personal customer support team, AKA Kinzie and Matt. He knew there was a chance they knew, especially Matt, who the Boss swore to secrecy. And Kinzie, well, she knew everything regardless of whether or not someone told her. She just knew shit and it kinda freaked him out.

"Oookay, but let's just hypothetically say it did have some sinister intention bullshit. Could it fuck with people if it wanted to?"

"Yes", CID said without an ounce of hesitation or thought. "Because it was programmed to delve into the depths of the human mind, if it really wanted to, it could manipulate people on it's own accord with the knowledge and information it has acquired. We may have taken over, but the simulation is still it's own form of being that we should still take seriously." Johnny nodded his head. It was possible that it wasn't just the Boss driving herself crazy and in a way, he was kind of relieved to hear that. He could tell how badly it was beginning to stress her out, thinking she was going totally bonkers at this point.

"Alright. Thanks, CID", he said, turning to leave the room.

"Johnny", the metal ball piped up. Johnny turned back towards him. "This wouldn't happen to have something to do with the Boss's sudden unusual behavior as of late, would it?". Of course CID would know. What the fuck was Johnny thinking? Johnny decided now would be a good time to intimidate him and perhaps assure that this wouldn't spread to the rest of the crew.

"Remember what I said about this staying between us? Or do you want to be dismantled?"

"I did not say I would disclose this information to anyone else. But it is not so much a secret that there is something wrong with her. There has been a drastic change in her normal demeanor. She has not told me to 'go cram that bullwhip up my shiny, metal ass' in what can be considered a month by now. She has been displaying all of the symptoms and side effects of-"

"CID". CID stopped his analysis at Johnny's tone. "Shut the fuck up", Johnny said.

"You know what is wrong with her, which makes sense, as you are her most trusted friend and right hand and judging by the history between you two-"

"CID, are you fuckin' deaf? Are your speakers disconnected or some shit? Stop. Talking. We're done here", he said, turning to leave again. "And if you're as smart as you act, you're not gonna say shit about any of this or I just might have to 'accidentally' take you apart". As Johnny left, CID simply floated in his spot, blinking.

He supposed it wouldn't have been a very good idea to mention how the feed from the simulation automatically downloads to him since he's still connected to it, showing him everything that goes on. He already knew.

* * *

It had been a while since anyone had seen the Boss. In fact, nobody had seen the Boss for what they were pretty sure could be considered an entire day, but nobody was particularly worried. They were in space. Where the fuck could she go? However, with things the way they were, Johnny still made it a point to check on her, just in case. It was like having a child on board. If it's quiet for too long, somethings going on, most times not anything good. Besides, everybody was still pretty preoccupied. Shaundi and Keith were still in the simulation with Fun Shaundi, deciding to extend their date for a while so Shaundi could learn to have fun again. Pierce had set up what could be considered a full stage in the docking bay with all of the equipment he found and was teaching Zinjai the words to 'Don't Stop Believin'', who for once in what could be considered his entire life, was experiencing what it was like to 'let loose'. Ben hadn't stopped writing since after the Boss last went into the simulation, as he decided the sequel he was writing would end up becoming an entire series from all of the ideas that kept coming to him. Matt had decided to hold off on showing Kinzie the feed from the Boss's first simulation mishap and instead, convinced her to help him program another scenario for his AU fiction he had been working on to get their minds off of what was going on and perhaps destress a bit. Asha was swinging away at her punching bag to keep herself busy while she thought about whether or not she should perhaps speak to the Boss later and establish some sort of understanding that while they didn't always get along, they were still comrades in this insanity and if she needed something, she could still ask. And CID, well, he was still in his room, floating in place while he was actually logged into the simulation and met up with the Shaundis' and Keith.

The number of rooms the Boss could possibly be in on the ship was agitating and without a trail of blood, bodies, or general destruction, Johnny wasn't entirely sure where she could possibly be, but he went to look anyway. His guns were clean, his knives were clean, he didn't want to go back into the simulation, and he didn't want to just sit around on the ship and stare at the metal walls or the gaudy pimp shark they had hanging around. Where the fuck it came from was beyond him, but he didn't ask. All he knew was that it had something to do with someone named Zimos, who was supposedly one hell of a pimp. About 45 more seconds into looking for the Boss and Johnny stopped a Zin patrol.

"Yo. The Boss. Where is she?". They looked at him in confusion and he scoffed. "The one you assholes were trying to kill before she killed Zinyak and became your new ruler". They all let out 'ooh's of realization.

"Down the third hall on the left. Last door to the right. Can't miss it. It's the only room playing music at an obnoxious level. Though, she said she didn't want to be distu-"

"Yea, thanks whatever", Johnny said as he started walking down the hall, disregarding the patrol's mention of her not wanting to be disturbed. The patrol simply shrugged and went along their way, not bothering to get upset. Not like they were particularly interested in pissing off the prisoner who single handedly killed squad after squad of them and as it turns out, was their new emperor's right hand man.

Finding the obnoxious room was not hard by any means. The second he turned down the hall, all he could hear was the Boss's mixtape which was not very well muffled by the metal door. He almost forgot how into music the Boss was. Silence didn't always sit very well with her, so some type of music always played at almost all times, much to Pierce's elation. Didn't matter if it was blaring at max or set at a lower volume. As long as it was there, she was fine. At the present moment, though, it was at a volume Johnny was sure was higher than max, so he wasn't surprised at how there was no response when he knocked at the door.

"Boss! I'm comin' in!" he said. The moment he opened the door, he was practically punched in the face by music and the strong smell of chemicals. Like...paint? He let himself in and shut the door behind him, looking around. There were what looked like tarps on the floor and colors all over the place. The music was playing from a computer console very similar to the one on their ship but bigger and he could see it was playing something called 'Promises' by someone named Nero. Johnny raised a brow. He also forgot how weird some of the shit the Boss listened to was. Speaking of the Boss, he looked around the room and his eyes landed on her back facing him. The top half of her spacesuit was tied around her hips and she had a t-shirt on, which much like the tarp was also splattered with colors. Her normally gravity defying spikes were actually pushed down and back away from her face or at least he assumed so. He used her unaware state to step closer and find out what it was she was up to. Her somewhat shorter stature made it easy for him to peer over her shoulder and see she was standing in front of an easel with a canvas balanced on it and was currently...what was it called again?...shading? He thought that's what it was called. She was shading a painting of...Carlos. He looked over at the wall behind the easel and saw a row of paintings of the crew, both now and from back then. Lin, Shaundi, Pierce, Kinzie, what he assumed was Zimos and Oleg, hell, even Josh, Matt, Asha, Keith, Ben, CID. As he went down the row, he saw one of him and beside him was one of Aisha and a weird swirl of emotions started going through him. Perhaps it was because of how detailed the paintings were or how clearly the Boss apparently remembered everything but he couldn't do anything at all but stare. So, the Boss was an artist. He didn't know that. Shocking. Something he didn't know about the Boss.

"God fucking dammit", he heard her say. He looked and saw her get closer to the painting, almost putting her face against the canvas as she slowly and shockingly carefully ran her brush over Carlos's jaw, evening out the line. She went to turn around and upon seeing something out of her peripheral vision, swung her arm back, the end of the brush pointed at whatever was behind her, but Johnny caught her arm quickly, the end of the brush just barely against the frame of his glasses. The Boss looked at him a bit wide eyed and Johnny raised a brow at her with a smirk before letting go of her arm. She pulled a remote from her pocket and hit a button, turning the music to a reasonable level before tossing it on the counter and sighing, awkwardly shifting from one foot to the other. This was gonna be fun to explain. "Fuckin' hell, Johnny...Sooooo...uhh...", she started, not entirely sure on how to continue her sentence. This was another one of those things the Boss kept to herself for her own reasons and was obviously another one of those things that Johnny would end up finding out about one way or another.

"Ya know, these paint fumes are gonna make you sick", he said, trying to break her awkwardness. She rolled her eyes and ran a hand through her hair, accidentally putting a large purple streak through it, to which she mumbled 'fuck'. He laughed a bit and walked over to the paintings against the wall, picking up the one of Aisha. The Boss nervously bit her lip. She didn't really show anyone the things she drew or painted for reasons so having Johnny just come right in and start looking over and touching stuff made her a bit uneasy. Especially the painting of Aisha. She didn't want him to become offended or irate if he didn't think it was done well.

"If there's something wrong, I can fix it, man", she said as Johnny continued to look at the painting. He shook his head with a small smile.

"Nah, man. It's perfect. It's just nice to see her as she was instead of, you know, 2D and shit", he said, setting it back down. "So, when were you gonna let me know about this little talent?" She shrugged as she wiped her hands off on her thighs.

"The same way I told you about everything else. I wasn't, but it looks like I'm not getting much of a choice in this. Startin' to think Jesus has a personal vendetta against me or something". Johnny shook his head.

"No, he just has this whole policy on reasons shit happens-"

"What?"

"Nothin'. Anyway, how long you been workin' on these? This is a fuck ton of work"

"Eh, a few weeks. I found a bunch of this stuff a while back, but a lot of the paints weren't any good so I had Zinjai help me find some better stuff not long ago. I went ahead and kinda went over all of them with the better paints so they looked nicer."

"And what're you gonna do wit' all of em?". A frown came across her face as she folded her arms.

"I'm probably just gonna keep em stashed in here. Not much else I can do with them"

"Uhh, you could hand em on a fuckin' wall like normal people do", Johnny said. She rolled her eyes.

"There's walls in here. I'll hang them in here", she said. He noticed how uncomfortable she suddenly got at the idea of others possibly seeing her paintings and let it go for now before another argument started up.

"So, where's yours?" he asked.

"Where's my what?". Johnny turned to her and cocked his head.

"Your painting. What the fuck else would I be talkin' about right now?". She shook her head and went back to work on her painting of Carlos.

"I don't do self-portraits", she mumbled. Johnny pulled up the chair at the counter beside her and sat down.

"And why not? You might as well make it a full set"

"Simple. Perception".

"Perception? What's that gotta do with you paintin' yourself?". She kinda smiled as she painted. Nobody knew it, but she actually loved explaining things like this to people. Things to do with the human mind and how it tends to see the world and project itself.

"Because we, as people, have a tendency to see ourselves as far more attractive then we really are. If I were to do a painting of myself, it would not only look better than the real me, but I would know that and hate it. The thing about it is that I actually don't see myself as very attractive. At all, so I would end up concentrating on making it as accurate as possible so much that it would probably end up driving me batshit crazy. It wouldn't even have to be drastic differences here and there. Something as simple as making my neck slightly longer or my jawline smoother would be enough to set me off. So, yea. I'm not gonna drive myself crazy over my own face". Her explanation for her reasoning actually kinda threw him off. She actually had facts and shit to go with it and not just a regular 'don't feel like it'.

"I don't know what the hell you're talkin' about, I'm a good lookin' mothahfuckah and I know it", he chuckled. She laughed and wiped a spot of paint off her face.

"Okay, well, it applies to the vast majority. Point is, I'm not doing it"

"Fair enough", Johnny replied. "How do you know all this shit anyway? I never took you for some paint slingin' artist". A sigh left the Boss.

"Just another one of those things I did before the Saints. I had to do something while I was holed up in the house. I actually did a few paintings in blood, too". Johnny threw up his brows and the Boss threw a clean brush at him. "Not my blood! Jesus!"

"Well, how the fuck else do you get blood for a painting if you don't leave the fuckin' house?! It's gotta come from you, one way or another!"

"No, I didn't make use of my period and no, I ain't into 'suffering for my art'! There were a few missing persons reports the cops never looked into. That's all", she said, painting in the purple background.

"That makes sense. Anybody I ever heard of or hated that you mighta beat me to?"

"Don't think so. These were the types of assholes you woulda killed on the spot without them even opening their mouths. Just straight up shitty people. They looked better on canvas, anyway", she shrugged. Johnny smiled.

"And the bodies? You use those too?". She shook her head no.

"Thought about it but there was nothing physically attractive or redeeming about them. Thought about eating them buuuuut I didn't want them near me, much less inside me, so I ground them up and put bowls of them outside for the neighborhood strays that liked to stay around everyday"

"You made them into animal food?"

"Well, they weren't very useful in life so I made them useful in death. Besides, the neighborhood strays were the only friends I had"

"Didn't take you for an animal lover, Boss"

"I like animals. I miss them. When animals are assholes, it's because it's in their nature to be. They can't help it. When people are assholes, it's just because they fucking suck as people, hence the pet food. I fed them, so they liked me"

"Shit, I wish I would've thought of that before. I ended up running out of places to hide bodies a long ass time ago. Places started gettin' funky as hell"

"Well, should the need ever arise again, there it is. Maybe we can all try out the whole cannibalism thing together later on. You know, for fun". Johnny laughed and so did the Boss when they realized they just had a serious conversation considering cannibalism and acknowledged that that wouldn't be the worst thing they'd ever done. And Johnny felt a little bit glad to see the more human side of the Boss. But at the same time, he felt a small weight in his heart as his eyes went over the paintings of Lin, Aisha, and the one she had just finished of Carlos and he realized.

She remembered everyone who left...

* * *

 **Boss: So, yea. There's that. It's probably gonna be getting dark again real soon but for now, I'm still just rolling with the punches. I really would** **like some input and ideas if anyone has them, if anybody else reads this. Anyway, please review. Thanks for reading.**


	8. Static

**Boss: Please. Someone review. I'm scraping the bottom of the** **barrel here and I don't want this to be one of those stories that end up lost in the back of the archives. If anything, can anyone tell me of other writing sites that stay pretty active that I could also post this to? I'm actually kinda proud of this one.**

 **Anyway, please read.**

 **Enjoy.**

* * *

Three days had passed without incident so far and the Boss had taken to staying in her painting room more often, only giving the rest of the crew more room to openly voice what was on their minds regarding her without having to keep low tones. It wasn't an urgent thing and it actually made the rest of them feel a bit more at ease not having to be so hush hush around the Boss, but it also kinda concerned them that they didn't have eyes on her all the time. They weren't sure if it was a form of self-isolation or not. but Johnny assured them she was fine and they didn't need to worry about her. Kinzie and Matt managed to settle back down after their initial freakout at what they discovered but they knew they needed to speak to Johnny about it. Knew they needed him to tell them what he knew, what he saw, what he was keeping quiet, and Johnny, well, he knew the same damn thing and he knew he was putting it off. But he was Johnny fucking Gat. It wasn't like they could really MAKE him do anything he didn't want to do in the first place, so him making the decision to talk to the Nerd Duo about what they all knew they knew about (fucking english, man) in all honesty had nothing to do with the stares they would occasionally give him that seemed as if they were trying to pick his brains or a fight. Normally, any problem that reared it's head could be solved with a little murder, but even Johnny had to swallow his sociopathic murderous pride and admit that this time, it required a little more thought and a little less gun slinging.

These days, he found himself wandering around the ship more often, becoming familiar with all the weird ass twists, turns, staircases, halls, and elevators all over the place. It was good to know your surroundings for many reasons, one of which would be for yet another fucking attack on the Saints or their newly acquired empire in general and luckily, Johnny found the ship to be pretty tactically sound. Zinyak was a hoarding dictator fuckwad, but the guy knew what he was doing with the ship. Of course, as large as the ship was, Johnny wasn't about to go around the whole fucking thing and decided he had put off talking to Matt and Kinzie long enough. He let out an annoyed groan as he made his way back to docking bay to find the two. On his way, Pierce had caught sight of Johnny heading to the ship and noticed how tense he seemed. He shoved the microphone in his hand into Zinjai's chest, who slowly took it.

"Here. Work on what we did the other day for a while. I'll be right back", he said as he jumped down from the stage and waltzed over to Johnny. "Johnny, man. Where you headed?". Johnny sighed and jerked his head towards the ship.

"Gotta talk to the two geniuses on board. Why? You need something?". Pierce shook his head.

"No. But I gotta ask. How's the Boss?"

"Why don't you go ask her yourself?"

"Johnny. I ain't stupid. I know something's up and I know you know. There ain't a damn thing about her you don't know, it's the rest of us here that are still in the dark. So tell me...how's the Boss?". Good old Pierce. They picked on him relentlessly but the man was smart when it came down to people. He was there for the Boss when Johnny couldn't be. Everyone noticed her odd shift from her normal behavior but some of them noticed it on a deeper level, mostly the main crew. The three that were there to see the most of the Boss. Johnny rubbed his eyes beneath his glasses before looking at his friend.

"Look. Whether or not she's alright ain't necessarily my place to say, just give her some space for now"

"Dammit, Johnny, what the hell is goin' on?" Pierce sighed. "The Boss ain't right these days. She's always been crazy as all hell, but this is different. This ain't her usual self. You know it, I know it, Shaundi knows it, Kinzie knows it, hell, we all know it but nobody's sayin' a damn thing to her about it cause we all know that ain't a good idea. But we all know how close you and the Boss are. We know you probably know what's up. I'm not askin' you to tell me what it is. I'm askin' if she's alright. We went through some similar stuff with Shaundi, but Shaundi became meaner and harder. The Boss...not so much. She don't really talk. There's no expression on her face. There ain't nothin' there anymore, Johnny. It's like she's not even the Boss anymore-"

"Watch it, Pierce", Johnny cut in at that last sentence. Pierce shook his head.

"Not like that. She's still the Boss. She just...doesn't seem like OUR Boss anymore". Pierce was right and Johnny knew it. If they were to have this conversation in front of the whole crew, they would all more than likely agree with him, too. Johnny clenched his jaw, making Pierce's brow furrow. "Look, if I said some shit you don't like, I-"

"Follow me, Pierce"

"What?"

"I didn't fuckin' stutter. Just follow me", he said, heading into the ship. Pierce wearily followed him through the doors of the ship.

"I ain't walkin' into an ass whoopin', am I?"

"Not if you stop askin' questions", Johnny replied as they ended up in the cargo bay. Matt's head shot up from the monitor beside his couch and he swallowed nervously upon seeing the two older Saints come into his corner unannounced.

"Uhh, h-hey, guys. What brings you down here?" Matt said, attempting to make small talk to relieve his sudden spike of discomfort.

"Get Kinzie in here. We need to talk"

Matt's stomach dropped.

* * *

The Boss basked in the moments when she spaced out into what she was doing so much, her mind went blank. It was so nice to just not think for a little while. She'd love to be doing so with a gun in each hand, making blood puddles everywhere around her with a slight ring in her ears, but if she were to fire a few rounds off here, they'd all be sucked up into the vacuum of space and Johnny wasn't letting her anywhere near the simulation pods, so being shut up in her self established 'fuck off' room would have to do. It didn't dawn on her until later that she spent so much time in there, she couldn't even smell the paint anymore until she opened the door and a waft of air came rushing in. The last time she did this, she was living in Stilwater and never set foot outside unless forced. Now, it was happening again. Sometimes she would skip eating just to sit in her room and try to cope with...whatever the hell was going on at this point. She was fucking tired. Physically and mentally. In terms of emotionally, she didn't know what the fuck was going on. It was just a swirling vortex of clusterfuck after clusterfuck and at this point, she didn't even bother bugging Johnny about it. Anytime she heard those telltale footsteps coming down the hall, she would quickly throw something up onto the easel and make it look like she was concentrating on something other than how much everything was crushing her.

It was weighing down. All of it. So much so, she was beginning to question her position as the head of the Saints. There was no question that she made it clear that SHE was the Boss. But if this carried on, what would the crew do when they found out? Would they turn against her? Would they make it a point to put someone else in her position? Memories of what happened with Keith and what she heard when she found the audio logs belonging to him popped up and she clenched her jaw. It made her stomach turn thinking about him possibly taking her place. She trusted her crew. She knew they wouldn't do that. But at the same time, she knew better than to ever think they would just blindly and mindlessly follow her. They had their own thoughts and feelings about shit and they shared it with her. If they found her unfit to lead them anymore...would they say so?

And once again, it was there. The burning, suffocating feeling of mounting anxiety. She went from sitting down on the floor in front of the makeshift easel to lying down on the floor with her paint stained arm over her eyes and ended up swinging her leg into the easel, sending it skittering across the tarps spread over the metal floor. The music playing in the room was at a reasonable level but at this point, she could barely hear the song much less the words. All she could hear was static. Her mind was full of static. Nothing but static.

 _Krsssshhhhhhh_

Nothing.

 _Krsssshhhhhhh_

But.

 _Krssssshhhhhhpatheticssssshhhhh_

...static?

It took the Boss a moment to realize that the music did in fact turn into static, but she swore she could hear something in it. Was...was something speaking in the static?

 _Krsssshhhhhhhyou'repatheticssssssshhhhhhhhh_

"...the fuck?" she quietly mumbled as she slowly sat up from her spot on the floor to look at the monitor. The normal cool blue screen was nothing but a hazy grey mess of snow and the Boss frowned, staring at the screen. She could see something there. Was that a fucking face? The Boss stood up and approached the screen, her brow stuck in a frown as she stepped closer.

 _Krsssshhhhhhyoufuckingletmediesssssshhhhhhhhhhh_

Lin. Lin's face began flashing in and out in the snow patterns of the screen. Not in color. It was still in the monochromatic scales of the snow. But it was clear. It was Lin.

 _KrsssshhhhhhIfuckingtrustedyouandyouletmediessssshhhhhhyouletmedieinthetrunkofmyownfuckingcarssssshhhhhhh_

"No. No, it wasn't like that!" the Boss suddenly yelled, her breathing beginning to speed up. "Lin, no, I-". The static began to flicker in and out again and Lin's face shifted to Carlos.

 _KrssshhhhhItrustedyousssshhhhItrustedyouwithmylifessssshhhhhhh_

An unbearable queasiness set itself in the Boss's stomach and she felt ready to vomit as she felt the bile rise in her throat.

 _KrssshhhhhIdideverythingIcouldforyoussssshhhhhandallthatdidwasgetmekilledsssssshhhhhhh_

"Carlos, no, I didn't know they-"

 _KrsssshhhhhhhhIwasdraggedformilesbehindatruckandallyoucoulddowasfinishmeoffssssssshhhhhhh_

The Boss couldn't take it anymore. Her knees gave out and she ended up hunched over on the floor, the bile and whatever was in her stomach coming up all over the tarp under her as the static continued.

 _Krsssshhhhhhhhyougotmekilledsssssshhhhhhh_

It wouldn't stop. Not even when her stomach was empty and nothing was left. Not even when nothing but acid was searing through her esophagus and tears burned their way to her eyes did it stop. It didn't even stop at the dry heaves.

 _Krssssshhhhhhyougotthemkilledfornothingplayasssshhhhh_

Julius. That motherfucker.

 _Krssssshhhhhhlookatwhatyou'vedonessssshhhhhallthepeopleyou'veletdiessssshhhhhthoseViceKingsshouldafinishedyouoffsssssshhhhhhhh_

 _"_ ShutupshutupshutupSHUT UP!" she screamed suddenly as she popped up from the floor and grabbed the chair in front of the monitor, swinging it into Julius's static hazed face, completely destroying the screen, leaving nothing behind but crushed glass and metal and electrical sparks. "THAT'S NOT WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!"

But there was nothing there but silence, sparks, and her own heavy breathing. She clenched her still blurry eyes shut tightly and wiped her hand over her mouth, the stomach acid making her voice raspy.

"That's not what fucking happened..."

* * *

It was perhaps the most disheartening thing Kinzie, Pierce, and Johnny saw when Matt was forced to show them the footage of the first mishap in the simulation. The room remained deathly quiet during and after it played and Matt looked down at the floor in silent frustration. He didn't want to tell them. Didn't want to show them. But her wellbeing outweighed her need for secrecy, so Matt broke and did what he needed to. He looked up to see everyone else's reactions and knew he had done the right thing when he saw mixes of worry, confusion, shock, and something else he wasn't quite sure of. Johnny kept his reactions at a minimum but actually seeing the tape still caused him to flinch. Absolutely nothing at first and suddenly, she's got a six shooter to her head and is halfway through pulling the trigger. Pierce held a hand over his mouth and for once, had nothing to say. His normal aura of perpetual sunshine was replaced by uneven waves of shock and some panic. That wasn't the Boss. There was no way that that was the Boss. But it was. He watched himself get out of the car and leave the simulation. Pierce remembered that day. He asked if she was alright and she told him she was fine but he knew that was a lie and assumed the Boss had a good reason for keeping it to herself.

"Why the hell didn't you show this to us?!" Kinzie suddenly yelled, interrupting the quiet. Matt flinched and sighed.

"Because...she asked me not to", he frowned.

"This is OBVIOUSLY something we needed to see!" Pierce yelled and Matt growled lightly.

"Which is why I made it a point to record it when I noticed her just sitting there! I knew something was wrong when she didn't move from that spot, I just...didn't know it would be something like this", he said as he leaned his head in his hands. Kinzie frowned for a minute before sighing and hesitantly putting a hand on Matt's shoulder. He turned to her, seeing the conflicted look on her face.

"You meant well. And you thought to have it on file in case something like this happened, so...you still did good, Matt. We aren't mad at you. You were put in a difficult position between your loyalty to the Boss and your concern for her wellbeing. It's...okay", she struggled to say. It was well known that being comforting wasn't Kinzie's strong suit, but she had gotten better at it over the years and what she had just said to Matt was perhaps the most comforting thing to ever come out of her mouth, especially towards him. It definitely shocked Pierce, who threw his eyebrows up at the situation. Matt let out a half hearted version of his normal cocky smirk.

"Of course I made sure to put it on file. Why wouldn't I?" he said, trying to shift the cold mood in the room back to a more lighthearted one. Kinzie returned a smirk and raised an eyebrow.

"Because even though you put everything on file, you forget to make sure they're secure sometimes", she responded, causing Matt's face to flush and his eyes to widen.

"Why you-"

"Back to more important shit", Johnny cut in, "I know this looks crazy and believe me, it fuckin' is, but there's still more to it than what's going on in the video".

"What do you mean?" Kinzie asked. Now, Johnny was stuck. The Boss trusted him more than anyone and told him everything in confidence and because of that, he was now in the same position Matt was in not even 3 minutes ago. He crossed his arms and leaned back against the stack of crates across from the couch, mulling over his thoughts.

"Johnny", Pierce piped in, "I know how tight you and the Boss are. I know how much you guys care for each other. And I know you've never been the type to just spill other people's business like it's nothing. But right now, we need to know what's goin' on if we're gonna make it a point to help her. This time, she can't do this shit on her own, even if she tries to tell us she can. She needs us. She needs you, Johnny". If there was ever a moment Johnny wanted to desperately punch Pierce in the mouth, it would be now. Because damn it all to hell, the bastard was right again. Sometimes, he wished they were all a bunch of new bloods that were just now being canonized so he had an excuse to just deck them in the head, but they weren't. They were smart and they were there for the Boss when he couldn't be, so they had certain levels of his respect right off the bat. And now, they were just waiting on his word.

They were waiting on his decision.

But the decision would have to wait as they heard speedy yet heavy steps coming towards the cargo bay followed by the door sliding open, revealing Zinjai.

"Zinjai? What are you doin' here?" Pierce asked. He nervously wrung his hands as he looked at them, worry on his face.

"I'm sorry to intrude upon you all, but I believe something may be wrong with our ruler". Johnny immediately stood straight from his position and stepped closer.

"What's wrong with the Boss?" he more demanded than asked. Zinjai shrunk back and Johnny took a breath and backed up, letting Pierce talk to him.

"Relax, man. We ain't gonna hurt you but we need to know what's up", he said, putting Zinjai at ease.

"Well, on my way back up to the main bridge to see if the navigators had found a planet of possible inhabitants for you, I heard a strange noise, as if something had fallen, so I went to investigate the source of the sound when I suddenly heard a loud scream followed by a louder crash. It was coming from the hall where our ruler's favorite room is. I went down the hall to see if she was in need of assistance but she wouldn't answer. Outside of the door was what appeared to be a wadded up tarp possibly containing broken equipment and what smelled like vomit. I couldn't open the door but I did confirm she was still conscious when she responded with 'go away'. Something appeared to be wrong and I felt it necessary to inform you in particular", he said, looking at Johnny, "as you seem to be the one more often at her side". They all traded looks and the tension was back in the room. Pierce pat Zinjai's shoulder.

"You did good, Zinjai. We'll take care of the rest", Pierce said. Zinjai bowed and left the ship, leaving the four Saints in the room to decide what to do next.

"Kinzie, Matt. You two tap into the ship's security footage. Find what was going on and record what's happening now", Johnny said. "Pierce, you're comin' with me". Nobody objected or even questioned Johnny's orders as he and Pierce made their way out of the cargo bay.

"Where we goin', Johnny?"

"To open that fuckin' door"

* * *

 **Boss: So, yea. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, though it is shorter than my other ones but I don't wanna do too much here and then, have nothing left for later. Please review.**

 **Thank you.**


	9. Malice

**Boss: Shoutout to Valoja! Thanks so much for the reviews and critique! ^^ I super appreciate it!**

 **Soooo, here's the next thing.**

 **Enjoy.**

* * *

Pierce never thought anything would make him more uncomfortable than the day they ran through the Morningstar tower with a stark naked behemoth of a man named Oleg, but he quickly decided that confronting an obviously distressed Boss as he stood in front of the slate of metal separating them took the fucking cake. So, it was understandable that Johnny's cool and calm demeanor in this situation kinda annoyed him. All the years he spent asleep in space and the motherfucker still had a pokerface for days.

"Johnny, what if she don't open the door?" he asked in a lower tone, hoping the Boss couldn't hear him.

"There's no 'what if', Pierce. That fuckin' door is opening if I gotta take it down with my bare hands", he said as he stepped forward and knocked. "Boss. It's me. Open up", he called, listening for a response. "I know you heard what I said. Don't make me damage the shiny new toy we just got. Open the door". Pierce sighed as they were met with silence and crinkled his nose. The hall still carried the faint smell of vomit and he could only imagine what it smelled like inside the room.

"Boss, come on. We just wanna talk for a minute", Pierce piped up as worry began eating at him moreso. It was silent again until a thump sounded against the wall next to the door and it slowly slid open. The scent of vomit was quickly covered up by the overwhelming chemical smell of paint and Pierce had to take a bit of a step back before they looked inside. The light in the room was off, but they could still see into the room. Large splatters of paint in varying colors covered the metal walls and the floors that were only half protected by tarp. Johnny took a step in, careful not to slip on any paint and looked around the now destroyed room, and saw the light fixture hanging on by thin wires from the ceiling, large dents of varying sizes in the walls, broken glass and metal all over the floor, and the completely destroyed space where the monitor was once connected. Wiring was pulled out and still sparking noisily.

"Come on, Boss. Where you at?" Again, quiet resumed until a paint brush suddenly hit Johnny in the thigh and they turned to see a faint outline of what they assumed was the Boss, leaned back against the wall, her head hanging and her arms rested against her knees. As they stepped closer, Johnny could see the canvases scattered around her in odd positions and face down, some leaned against the wall, others tetrised together against some boxes in the corner. A wave of absolute dread washed over Pierce and he couldn't understand why. This was the Boss. The Boss was always in control.

But the room they were currently standing in told him otherwise. He leaned down and carefully picked up one of the canvases from the wreckage, turning it over to get a better look at it. The room was dark, but the open door offered just enough light for him to be able to make out the familiar shape of the fleur de lis necklace he used to wear all the time. A frown set itself on his face and he rested a hand against his chest where the weighty pendant used to sit during a time where things were so much simpler than they were now.

He didn't know the boss was an artist. Pierce shook his head gently and set the painting down on the stack of boxes beside him. This was a fucking mess. There was no way this would make it past the crew. He knew that. Looking up, he saw Johnny approach the silent, motionless form of the Boss and kneel in front of her, ignoring the paint soaking into the knee of his suit. "Boss", he called. Nothing. "Boss-"

"I saw them, Johnny...", she quietly said, her throat still scratchy and raspy. Pierce's brows furrowed.

"Saw who? We're the only ones on this ship", he said. She sniffled loudly and put her head all the way back, the top thumping against the wall. Her eyes stayed closed and both Pierce and Johnny could see short, dry tear tracks over her high cheekbones. She was exhausted. Beyond it, in fact.

Her breakdown had left her drained and blank. There was a small feeling of relief that it had finally ended, but it was overshadowed by her throbbing, cut up, and slightly burned knuckles and palms. It wouldn't be the first time her hands had taken this much abuse at once and she'd be a liar if she said it would be the last. She had done worse. But this was the first time she had nothing else to concentrate on but the pain. It was real. This was real. And if this was real, was what she had been seeing real, too?

"Who did you see?" Johnny pressed. Pierce crouched down beside Johnny, hoping to piece together what the hell was happening. Her brow furrowed and her mouth curled into a half frown half sob.

"...Lin...and Carlos...and Julius...I saw them", she said, swallowing the acid left in her throat. "They...they were here".

"Where?" Johnny asked. The sound of the wires still sparking made Pierce look up and he turned to the Boss.

"Were they in the monitor?" he gently asked her. Her eyes scrunched and she nodded slowly, sinking her teeth into her lip.

"What did they say?". It couldn't have been something passive to set her off like this. There had to be a taunt, a jab, a low blow. Something to get this type of reaction from her. She could definitely be petty and she could be set off by petty things, but this wasn't the same. The Boss's upset, pained expression dropped from her face as if it had just been wiped clean and there was suddenly nothing there. No expression. Nothing to read from her eyes. Nothing. It was like she had just become a blank sheet of paper right before their eyes and both Pierce and Johnny were saddled with discomfort and mild dread. She had shut down on them. She clammed up and they knew they weren't going to get anymore out of her. The two male Saints stood up, pulling the Boss to rise with them, who didn't even bother putting up any type of resistance to being pulled around. Like a paint splattered rag doll. Johnny put an arm around her and turned his head to Pierce. "Go ahead back to the ship. I'll meet you there".

"Where you goin' with the Boss?" Pierce asked, not even bothering to cover up his worried tone and expression. Johnny sighed.

"I can't bring her back like this. It'll set shit off too soon. Have to get her cleaned up."

"You sure you got this?" Johnny simply stared at him from behind his sunglasses and Pierce nodded, knowing it was silly for him to worry about the Boss now that Johnny had her. She was in good hands. "I'll meet you back there".

"Alright". As they began to part ways, Johnny stopped for a second. "Hey, Pierce", he called. Pierce turned to him and the Boss.

"What's up?"

"Thanks"

"For what?" he asked, mildly confused. Johnny's same old half smile spread over his lips.

"Holdin' everyone down while I was gone". The expression on Pierce's face went from confusion to an almost touched realization at what Johnny meant, but before he could say anything back, he was already walking away with the Boss under his arm. A smile crept onto Pierce's face as he headed to the ship.

"About damn time I got some recognition", he murmured to himself. It didn't take him long to get back to the ship and head to the cargo bay, waving to Keith and Shaundi in the living room as he passed by and kinda chuckling at seeing them sit so closely together. Their girl was finally regaining bits of her happiness which relieved a small part of his anxious feeling. At least some of them were able to find a little light in this bullshit. However, the second his foot stepped over the threshold of the cargo bay, he could feel the immediate mood shift. The sharp contrast between the warmth and happiness in the room with Shaundi and Keith and the cold tension in the room with Kinzie and Matt made Pierce rigid.

"Pierce", Kinzie said. He turned to look at the little redhead seated on the couch next to Matt, who nervously twiddled his thumbs. "We...we pulled the video feed from the Boss's room." Just the way she said that sentence to him made his stomach turn. He sighed and took a seat with the two, leaning back against the couch completely in an attempt to prepare for what he might see.

"Alright. Show me what happened", he said. Matt looked around quickly before turning back to Pierce.

"Where's Johnny?" he asked.

"He's with the Boss right now and will be back soon, so let's just get this over with. Johnny's the one we're gonna have to worry about more when he sees this", Pierce said as he rubbed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. He could feel the headache building up. Kinzie hesitated to hit the play button for a moment, but she squeezed her eyes shut and managed to hit it, preparing herself to rewatch what she deemed some of the most disturbing footage she'd seen since her days in the FBI and White House.

The video started off with the Boss sitting on the floor in front of her easel, her arm slowly moving over the canvas before setting her brush down and leaning her elbows against her knees, staring at nothing. A few more moments passed and she was lying down on the floor of the room, covering her eyes when her leg suddenly swung into the easel. The sound of the crash was loud through the speakers and it made Pierce flinch at the sudden commotion in what was an otherwise silent tape. His eyes followed the easel as it was sent across the floor and he started to piece together the mess they had found in there. Silence resumed and his attention was back on the Boss as she remained on the floor. The sound of static had interrupted the quiet and Pierce saw the Boss look towards the monitor in confusion. For a moment, he thought he could make out the sound of words mixed in the white noise but he wasn't entirely sure if it was there or not. He watched the Boss slowly get up and go towards the source of the sound as it grew more continuous.

"Kinzie, are there...is someone talkin' in all that mess?" Pierce asked, leaning closer to the laptop. Kinzie's brow furrowed.

"We thought the same thing, but we couldn't pull the footage from that monitor since the Boss, well, destroyed it and it probably wouldn't have been recording anyway so we'll have to isolate the audio later. But that's not what I think you should be concentrating on right now", she said. "This is". He turned back to the screen in time to hear the Boss begin to talk to the snowy screen.

 _"No. No, it wasn't like that!"_

Pierce didn't feel his brows furrow into an evidently scared expression as he watched the Boss begin to panic the louder the white noise got.

 _"Lin, no, I-"_

But Matt noticed. While Kinzie and Pierce stared at the screen, he watched how they reacted and couldn't help but feel partly responsible for the sudden distress his fellow Saints were in. If he had just kept his promise.

 _"Carlos, no, I didn't know they-"_

If he had just kept his mouth shut, if he hadn't noticed her strange behavior in the simulation, then maybe he wouldn't have had to put them through this. Maybe he wouldn't have had to let them witness their Boss go into these...fits. The sound of the Boss suddenly throwing up in the footage made Matt squeeze his eyes shut as tightly as he could and put a gloved hand over his mouth. It was a half attempt to block out the tape, but he already watched it before. It was playing frame by frame in his mind.

 _"ShutupshutupshutupSHUT UP!"_

Pierce jumped back as the Boss suddenly swung the metal chair into the monitor and another loud crash sounded off, signaling its demise. He bit into his lip and put his hands together, resting his chin atop his thumbs while struggling to keep his eyes on the screen.

 _"THAT'S NOT WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!"_

The Boss was still for a moment, standing in front of a vomit covered tarp and sparking wires.

 _"That's not what fucking happened..."_

The video suddenly paused and Kinzie turned to Pierce.

"We don't have to watch the rest if you don't want to, Pierce", she said gently, but Pierce shook his head gently and took a deep breath.

"Yes, we do", he said, steeling himself. "If we're gonna try to help her, we gotta figure this out."

"But-"

"Kinzie", Pierce interrupted. "If just watchin' this happen is makin' us uncomfortable, imagine what it's doin' to the Boss right now. How I feel about watchin' it don't matter. It's the Boss that matters." Kinzie stayed quiet but nodded in understanding at Pierce's words. "Just go ahead and play the rest of it." She tapped her finger against the play button and the video resumed, showing the Boss still standing in place before once again grabbing the chair and flinging it into the boxes stacked in the corner of the room, allowing her to jump onto the table and begin pulling apart and further destroying what was left of the computer. She grabbed handfuls of wires and threw them into the puddle of vomit, chunks of metal followed suit, and broken glass shattered into the pile as well before there was nothing but bits of sparking wires left behind.

Pierce watched the Boss wad up the tarp of broken equipment and throw up and open the door before dropping it into the hall and quickly shutting the door. Again, she stood still for a moment as if that door was the most interesting thing in the room. And then, she grabbed the container of paint off the shelf beside her and turned, flinging it into the wall, followed by another and another in different directions. She grabbed the kicked over easel and began swinging it into everything around her, resulting in her destroying the light fixture above, making the room darker, but he could still see her silhouette. The easel was flung aside and she got her hands on the chair again, this time burying it where the monitor once sat again for good measure and soon, it was once again sent sailing through the air and into the canvases set aside, causing them to go flying and the chair to skid into a corner.

Pierce's fist clenched. This was almost too much for him and he almost turned away until he watched her begin to tiredly sway and disappear into the corner, hearing the light thump of her falling against the wall in what he could only assume was exhaustion. Again, Kinzie stopped the video and the three of them took a moment to fully absorb what they had seen.

"A few moments after that is when you and Johnny come in. Then, it goes into the live feed", Matt said, his blue eyes concentrated on the floor. Silence came to rule the room again. They had wise cracks and one liners for practically any situation possible. At least, they thought they did. Turns out, they were actually wrong for once.

They didn't find any of this funny...

* * *

When they found out that the Zin did, in fact, know of the wonderful habit known as 'bathing', the whole crew practically jumped for joy. It wasn't that the goo they were trapped in within the pods smelled 'bad', it just smelled...funny, so to say. And since they now ran the show, they were able to use the bathrooms and showers on the main ship, which were quite a bit bigger than the ones on their little blue ship in the docking bay.

Zinyak had a taste for the finer things in life (and on other people's planets), leaving the Saints to wonder if the various hygiene products in all of the confusingly flowery and sweet scents were brought aboard just because Zinyak knew he could have them and no one could say anything or if the man really did enjoy prancing around smelling like 'Hawaiian Summer Breeze' and 'Midnight Musk'. Seeing as how he smelled like nothing but blood and defeat by the end of it, they didn't really care and just remained thankful.

Johnny kinda wrinkled his nose at the berry-fruity-candy-scented-what-the-fuck-ever he poured into the tub that was currently filling at the moment. He used to do it for Aisha when she was stressed beyond belief and just all around frazzled and it made her relax enough to help her sleep those nights. While the Boss never actually acted like she had a vagina, she was still a woman and she still had some habits that gave it away, no matter how many drinking contests she managed to win by belching the ABCs at the end of it (which she was really good at). If this didn't help even a little, he wasn't sure what else to do, especially after being dead serious about her not stepping foot back into that simulation for a good while. There was nothing he'd love more than to just raise some Hell and forget all about the bullshit they were still trying to figure out, but it wasn't an option. At least, not for the Boss. He could go back into the simulation anytime he wanted, but killing alone wasn't as much fun since that was his only option while being put under. The idea of going in with Pierce or Shaundi or whoever crossed his mind. It didn't sound half bad. But what was killing without your best friend?

Speaking of which, she was currently sitting outside the bathroom on the floor, her folded arms balanced on her knees and her face buried in them. Well, that was how she was when he told her to stay there and wait for a minute. Coming back, he found her to be in the exact same spot and position he left her. From his point of view, she didn't look anything like the famed and feared Boss of the Third Street Saints or the surviving President of the United States, what with paints splattered all over her and caked in her hair, her suit roughed up and wrinkled, and her sitting curled up in a ball like she was trying to just disappear. It even served to make him a bit sympathetic and mildly uncomfortable. Never in all of their time banging together had he seen her look...vulnerable. It was really fucking with him. It made him see her in a more normal, humanlike light. He furrowed his brow a bit as he looked at her. Was this what he looked like to her when Aisha died? He shook his head gently to push the thought aside and placed a hand on her shoulder to get her attention. She didn't even budge.

"Boss", he said, making her lift her head slightly and turn to him. Dead. She looked half dead. Dark circles had formed beneath her eyes, which were a bit puffy and red from possibly crying (though he knew better than to ask or even assume that). The constant biting on her bottom lip made it red, a bit swollen, and chapped. Her nose was red and she was sniffling still. All in all, she was a wreck. An absolute broken wreck and Johnny felt everything just plummet, knowing there wasn't much he could do about it. Even if there was something in the simulation exacerbating the problem, it still all stemmed from her head. Her own mind was trying to destroy her. He grabbed her arm gently and pulled her up from the floor with ease, making him frown.

The Boss had dropped a little weight. He could tell and it wasn't from physical activity or diet change or any shit like that. Stress was making her lose weight and hair. He could tell that too over the last couple of weeks. Every time she ran her fingers through her hair, and she did it often, she would have to shake the strands off. Everywhere she slept, there would be iridescent black and pink strands where her head rested. He could tell her hair had thinned. The main reason her hair stuck up in spikes was because of how thick it was (and the cowlick she had) but now, it laid lower than normal. Her weary frame stood in front of him and her bloody chocolate eyes briefly glanced up at him, making him snap from his thoughts and back at the task at hand.

"Go clean up. It'll help before we head back to the ship", he said. She looked into the bathroom with a frown and Johnny could practically hear the defiance brewing in her head and he pinched the bridge of his nose. "Before you even think of sayin' anything, don't. Just go bathe. Wash off the paint and puke. We can talk after", he managed to say calmly. At this point, he was beginning to feel the stress and tension radiating from her and all it was serving to do was make his fuse shorter. He wasn't mad at her. It wasn't her fault. He was mad at the situation and factors itself and the fact he couldn't fix this for her the way they fixed everything else only served to make it worse. Head games were not his forte and he didn't like them. Bullets worked better. But unless he was gonna plant one in the Boss before she did it herself (and he knew it wasn't gonna happen now or ever), that was out of the question. This was gonna take thought.

Johnny was a smart motherfucker. He knew that. The crew knew that. The Boss knew that. And when he was right, arguments were null and void. So, when the Boss lightly sighed and began carefully unzipping her suit as she stepped into the bathroom, Johnny appreciated the small victory. It helped ease the tension he was feeling just a little. He kept his back turned to her and arms crossed as he listened to the sound of her suit hitting the floor and the water shift as she got into the tub. A few seconds passed and he raised a brow.

"All the way in, Boss", he said. The water shifted again and the sound of a quiet 'hng' made him turn. The Boss had tried to put her hands into the water, forgetting about how badly she had fucked them up and the warm water caused them to sting. Johnny sighed as he uncrossed his arms and looked at the pitiful state of the Boss. The least he could do was help her with her hands. It wasn't like he could see anything important through the mass of bubbles around her (which made it suddenly dawn on him that maybe he put a little too much in the tub), but it wasn't anything he hadn't seen before. Nudity aside, he rolled up his sleeves and pulled the stool in the room up beside the tub, earning an incredibly confused look from the Boss.

"Johnny...the fuck are you doing?" she asked tiredly. He held out his hand as if he were waiting for her to hand him something but she simply continued to give him the same look. He rolled his eyes and sighed.

"Gimme your hand", he said.

"Why?"

"Because just fuckin' do it, that's why", he responded. Okay, he would be the first to admit this was pretty out of character, especially for him. He wasn't known for being understanding or sympathetic to anyone or anything, so he could get why she'd be confused and hesitant. Since when the fuck did Johnny Gat do nice things for people? But again, this was different. She helped him out when his knee was fucked, when he was in the hospital after being stabbed, and got him out of his virtual shithole. He could help her out with her hands. She slightly raised her eyebrow and slowly outstretched one of her hands to him, letting him take it and look over the damage she had done.

And good lord, did she do some damage. Johnny was no fucking doctor, but he could tell right off the bat her knuckles would have to be bandaged and there was a chance they would scar, which was a shame. The Boss had tattoos on both hands, one having skulls on each knuckle and the other of the bones within and she loved her tattoos, but she had done a real number to them during whatever happened in the room before him and Pierce came in. The blood was mostly dried and it was beginning to coagulate but he could still see where the skin was torn up. One of the skulls on her knuckles was practically gone because the skin was so torn. He leaned in closer, seeing something in the mess of blood and damaged skin and frowned before setting her hand on the edge of the tub.

"Don't move", he said as he rose and began to rummage through the cabinet. The Boss leaned back against the edge of the tub and stared off into the bubbles, giving Johnny whatever freedom he needed to do whatever it was he was doing. He soon came back and took her hand again, this time with a pair of tweezers in his hand. As gently as he possibly could (which was surprisingly gentle), he took hold of he object with the tool and slowly began to pull, making the Boss take in a sharp breath. A wire had managed to lodge itself in her knuckles and the frown on Johnny's face deepened as he realized just how long it was while he pulled it out. The Boss let a slow breath out as Johnny tossed the wire into the trash can and looked over her hand again in search of any more wiring or perhaps metal and glass. The silence in the room was almost suffocating to him. There was never a time they sat in a room together and didn't talk.

"I'm not gonna make you tell me what happened", he said, putting down the tweezers and grabbing the wash cloth from the edge of the tub. A hiss left the Boss as Johnny started to clean up the mess. He wasn't entirely sure he wanted to know this time around because he knew that he still had to decide just how much he was gonna fess up to Pierce, Kinzie, and Matt. What they had found on the feed from the Boss's earlier freak out would determine what he would do. It felt like betrayal. It wasn't, but it felt like it and it was the last thing he wanted her to have to go through again. He was her confidant. He knew that, even if neither one said it out loud and now, here he was between a rock and the vacuum of space. Neither one appealing but one of them necessary.

"...I'm sorry", the Boss softly mumbled out. Johnny didn't look up from the task at hand (no pun intended) but he listened.

"For what?" he replied. She took a sharp breath in between her teeth as the rag being used to clean up her wound revealed how deep the damage went, a part of her knuckle bone visible. Great. She'd need stitches in this hand. He looked up at her briefly before continuing, being more careful now that he knew the extent of her wound.

"...This. Everything. Fuckin' hell", she sighed. "...You don't have to fucking baby me, Johnny. I can take care of myself". At that, Johnny sharply looked up at her and she somewhat shrank back into the bubbles around her shoulders. "Kinda...look, you really don't have to do this", she said as he continued cleaning up her hand.

"Alright. Let's see you fix one fucked up hand with ANOTHER fucked up hand", he said, not even bothering to look up at her to acknowledge the disgruntled look of defeat he knew was there as he continued his task. "That's what I thought. So shut the fuck up and quit bitchin'. I'm almost done with this one."

"Johnny"

"What now?"

"How am I gonna wash all the paint off me and my hair?" she clapped back. Johnny suddenly halted and blankly stared at the floor.

"...Well, fuck"

He didn't really plan out this scenario. He figured he'd just let her do it herself, but after seeing just how badly fucked her knuckles were, he knew it would be physically impossible for her to get it done without pain. She'd do it anyway, but that'd be a shitty thing to do, even by his standard and wrapping her hands would be pointless if she was going to just get the bandaging wet. He could probably get Zinjai to-no, he couldn't. He just flat out couldn't. The thought left as fast as it came. Johnny looked up at the ceiling and raised an eyebrow, questioning God's whole 'things happen for a reason' policy before looking down and letting out a deep breath.

"Don't worry about it. I got it", he said. The Boss looked at him.

"What do you mean 'you got it'?" she asked. He got up and grabbed the small first aid kit from the cabinet and sat back down.

"Exactly what I said. Don't worry about it", he responded, pouring alcohol onto a small cotton ball.

"Uhh, Johnny, I-FUCKING HATE YOUR GUTS, YOU THUNDER CUNT FUCK MONKEY SHIT NIPPLE DICK FART!" she screamed the second the cotton ball made contact with the torn up skin. It was enough to almost make her jump out of the tub as she jerked forward at the sudden sting, making some of the water slosh from the tub, but she settled back down after taking a breath and leaned back again, the bubbles keeping her 'assets' concealed. He laughed quietly at her colorfully explosive outburst. She always did have a way with words.

"Oh, really? Tell me how you really feel", he teased, receiving a glare in response. "Relax. I haven't even gotten to the stitches yet." The Boss groaned and leaned her head all the way back against the wall in an almost childish fit and it made Johnny smile a bit. Her behavior and demeanor now was a far cry from the crumpled up mess he and Pierce took from the destroyed room a few halls away. Guess some of that girly shit actually worked.

"It isn't that-"

"I can see your knuckle bone. Shut the fuck up. Besides, you can't tell me you're afraid of a few jabs from a needle", he said, referring to all of her piercings and tattoos. She stuck her pierced tongue out at him as he sterilized the needle after threading it.

"It's different when I'm asking for it", she retorted.

"Well, that explains why you always say 'fuck me' now, doesn't it?" If her other hand wasn't as damaged as the one he was tending to, he was pretty sure she'd try to kill him with it judging by the gaping mouthed look on her face as if her jaw just came unhinged.

"You motherf-UCKER!" Johnny used her distracted state to go ahead and start stitching up her hand and she growled at him as he smirked.

"You have no idea how long I've been waiting to use that one", he chuckled. She cringed and flinched as Johnny carefully stitched up her hand.

"I can't necessarily say I'm surprised at that", she deadpanned, continuing to flinch at the needle and thread passing through her skin.

"Go ahead. Talk shit about the guy puttin' a needle through you", he said. "See how that goes." All joking aside, it was for her own good and he was trying to get it done as quickly and nicely as he could. Considering the lifestyle they lived, he actually learned some basic first aid whatnots here and there over the years. Just enough to close up the bullet hole and stop the bleeding but he never actually had to use it til now. Anything more than that was way too much and chances are, they were gonna die. He could see the Boss's fingers twitch a little as he pulled the thread through the layers of skin and flesh and he glanced up at her to read her expression. Her eyes were shut and her head was still leaned back against the wall. It almost looked like she was sleeping until she briefly grimaced again as he lightly tightened her stitches. Luckily, he was done and he tied it off before biting through the string and tossing aside the extra.

The Boss opened her eyes and turned, slowly tilting her hand up to look at Johnny's work. It was a little uneven, but not bad. She sighed as he once again held his hand out so he could assess the damage done to her other hand and she frowned as she complied, shifting to the other side of the tub carefully. She laid her other arm over the edge of the tub and rested her chin against her forearm while minding her hand, her other arm outstretched to her best friend.

"...thanks, Johnny."

She had been saying that a lot lately, especially to him and he didn't quite know how to feel about it. He knew she was thankful for everything the crew did for her, even if she didn't say it, but she had been saying it more these days.

"Eh, don't mention it, Boss", he said as he looked at how bad her other hand was. More damage had been inflicted to this one, as she was right handed and the biggest fuck up was across the top of her hand. The skin had been sliced and cut open by what he assumed was all the metal and glass in the monitor she destroyed and it was just barely close enough to the tendons in her hand. Some of it had begun to coagulate, but a good bit of it was still glistening with blood and white blood cells.

Johnny didn't know how to explain how he was feeling about this, knowing she did it to herself. He couldn't give half of a rat's ass if she completely and utterly destroyed someone else and took her sweet ass pimp time doing it. Couldn't care any less if she decided to flay them alive and roll them around in lemon juice and salt. But knowing she was fucking herself up like this was not cool with him in anyway. He just couldn't manage to wrap his head around it and it both frustrated and kind of depressed him. They lost so many over the years. He didn't wanna lose her, too. And not because she did it to herself. The more the thought of the Boss dying swam around his head, the more he was reminded of Aisha. It felt so similar.

"Johnny?" he suddenly heard her say. He snapped out of his pondering and looked up, seeing her worried expression. "You okay, man?" That only served to fuel his confusion. Here she was, looking like she had been in a fight with a group of manic artists after 3 months of no sleep and a hangover and she was asking him if he was okay. If HE was okay.

"Yea", he nodded, turning his attention back to her somewhat smaller hand in his, covered in godawful wounds. "I'm okay."

He didn't want the hand in his to become cold...and at that moment, he made a heavy decision.

* * *

 **Boss: Soooooo, yea. There's that. I know it's drawn out in that bathroom scene, but I have reasons. I promise this is all relevant.**

 **Please read and review. Thank you so much.**


	10. Truth

**Boss: So, I made this one a little less tense. I have reasons, but I promise in the next chapter, it's gonna pick back up. I get a little too emotionally invested when I start writing, so when I start writing upsetting things from different pov's, it actually weighs on me. Like I really see the cutscenes play in my head.**

 **Anyway, read and please please please review. I'm in a little bit of a rut and need feedback.**

 **Enjoy.**

* * *

This may have been the most peaceful Johnny had ever seen the Boss. He never thought he'd be able to put 'the Boss' and 'peaceful' in the same sentence before, but turns out, it could be done in a strange 'what a precious little sociopath' kind of way. She was currently asleep in the living room of their ship, her hands both resting atop her stomach to avoid accidentally laying on them. Johnny continued to look at her now stitched up hands with an expression of deep concern. When he was stitching up her right hand, he discovered that her palm was also badly lacerated and had to stitch that up, too before eventually proceeding to wash away all the paint and excess blood from her. As much paint as there was, he ended up having to empty the tub and use the shower head to wash her hair and of course, the Boss voiced her objections to him, telling him she could do it herself, that he didn't need to cater to her, that she was a fully functional adult (mostly), and that it was just weird for him to be doing this for her, but he simply told her to shut up and deal with it and that he didn't want her to accidentally bust her stitches open just because she wanted to be a pain in the ass. It wasn't even an issue with nudity. She stayed curled up in a ball for the duration and Johnny didn't ogle her or stare at anything. He didn't look at anything she didn't want seen and turned his back while she managed to dry off and change (he was going to help her but decided to let her have this one).

The walk back to the ship could only be described as a tired one. She was drained, he could tell and he was feeling it, too. Sleeping space on their ship was a bit tricky but the Boss was more comfortable on the ship with her crew than anywhere else (as were they, seeing as how none of them wanted to be left alone with the Zin for too long), especially at a time like this, so when Johnny saw nobody was in the living room, he made her lay down on the couch and this time was met with little protest on her part. It wasn't often the Boss gave control to someone else, but she just didn't have it in her right now to reclaim it and did as Johnny asked. He sat beside her while she vented a little, most of it being a flurry of 'I'm sorry's and 'I don't know's and Johnny let her say what she needed until she eventually dozed off, giving way to her exhaustion. The slow rise and fall of her chest let him know she was in a deep sleep and he rubbed his eyes.

Johnny had to do it. He had to. He couldn't watch her do this to herself anymore. Couldn't watch her torment herself anymore. Couldn't stand to let her hurt herself anymore. It made him clench his jaw but he solidified the decision in his mind. They had to know what was going on. That there was more to those recordings than the Boss having freak fits and trying to kill herself. It had to have something to do with that fucking simulation. She may have had some lows before going in, but none of it got this bad until the last few visits she made to simulated Steelport. Something in there was making two different things happen at the same time, showing one thing to the crew while making the Boss go through another. The Boss couldn't just make shit like that up and he could tell it was driving her insane because she knew how it sounded. And now, he was struggling with the same thing. He knew how it sounded but he still needed to tell them.

Quietly, he stood up from his spot and looked down at the Boss. He was going to find out what this was and fix it one way or a-fucking-nother. A frustrated sigh left him as he was forced to acknowledge what was happening to him. Those 'pussy ass feelings' he told himself he would leave behind didn't leave at all. Damn it, he still felt things and these days, a lot of those things were for the Boss and it was beyond fucking with him now. But at the same time, it didn't surprise him in the least. It only made sense this would happen. However, that would have to wait until later. He gently brushed the hair from her face and sighed, heading to the cargo bay.

This was it.

* * *

Kinzie and Matt couldn't help the way they cringed when they heard the telltale sound of the cargo bay doors sliding open. They dreaded the sound more and more these days. Pierce was still seated on the couch with his head leaned back as he ran through scenario after scenario of possible reactions from the feared Saint. They never dealt with anything like this before, so despite what played in his head, he really had no way of knowing what he'd do. But needless to say, they were about to find out. Johnny stood in front of the three and crossed his arms.

"Alright. Show me what you found", he said. A deep sigh came from Pierce and he looked up at Johnny.

"Where's the Boss?" he asked.

"She's clean, bandaged, and asleep in the living room", he responded. "Not without some bitchin' on her part, but I got it done and she's out for now." Pierce got up from his spot and approached Johnny, his facial expression telling him everything he needed to know.

"Look, man, Imma be real with you. You ain't gonna like what's on that feed, so we're gonna leave the room while you watch it. We'll be in the living room when you're done", he said. Johnny nodded, already not liking the situation as it was.

"Alright. Just don't wake the Boss up"

"If she wakes up, I'll let you know", Kinzie said as she headed out. Pierce patted Johnny's shoulder as he followed, leaving Matt in the room with Johnny, the laptop balanced on his arm as he tapped a few keys gently. Matt's bright blue eyes looked up at Johnny nervously and he scrambled to piece together his thoughts properly.

"J-Johnny, before you watch this, I-I just-"

"Spit it out, kid", Johnny sighed. Matt's brow furrowed and he let out a sigh.

"I just wanted to tell you that even though we're very much opposites and I may not be someone you would have chosen as a Saint, I really do consider you my brother, so if by chance you ever needed...I don't know...someone to talk to, I suppose, I could lend an ear. At least until we get this mess sorted out", he awkwardly managed to say, uncomfortably shifting. "I never had any siblings or close friends to talk to and I noticed how much more at ease the Boss became after finding you and being able to talk to you again, so..yea. I mean, if you want to. I, of course, have no qualms with the idea. Or if you're ever on the look out for quality fiction, I could always show you-" but Johnny interrupted him before his ramblings went any further.

"I'll keep that in mind, kid. I appreciate it. That's gonna have to wait, but I'll remember that. Now, the video?" Matt bit his lip gently and set the laptop down on the couch beside them.

"Just hit the space bar to play and pause the video", he quietly said before heading out after Kinzie and Pierce, leaving Johnny alone with the footage of the Boss's meltdown. In all honesty, the pause screen alone made him uneasy. But he had to know what happened. This would decide just how much he would divulge to them.

He sat down and hit the spacebar.

* * *

"Uno. I win again", Kinzie proudly announced. Pierce threw his arms up in annoyed defeat and pointed at her.

"Now, that's bullshit. I was three cards away from that fuckin' uno", he said, to which Matt rolled his eyes.

"Excuse me, but I don't think you should be complaining seeing as how you weren't the one that had to draw half the deck in BOTH rounds", he frowned. "Where the hell did you two even get all of those +2 cards anyway?" Pierce and Kinzie raised their brows and smirked at the sore loser.

"Luck of the draw, kid", Pierce chuckled.

"Well, I demand another rematch, dammit!" Matt said, collecting the cards and vigorously shuffling them in the hopes he could turn his luck in the game around. As Matt began to deal out the next hand, Kinzie took a peek over his shoulder at the Boss who remained asleep for once. Her erratic sleeping patterns sometimes bothered Kinzie, despite her far more unhealthy sleeping habits. While Kinzie was not at all effected by the schedule she developed, it was evident that the Boss still didn't have a very good hold on her unspoken insomnia. Her eyes wandered to her bandaged hands, making her eyes narrow a bit. Even though she couldn't see how bad it was on the video, she had a pretty good idea about what her hands looked like beneath the gauze.

"You wanna go ahead and deal while you're over there bendin' the shit out them cards?" Pierce asked Matt. Matt stuck his tongue out at him as he began dealing the cards to the other two sitting with him.

"You two cheated somehow, I know it", he mumbled, setting the deck in the center of their circle. Kinzie rolled her eyes, organizing her cards.

"Oh, quit being such a whiny baby", she said. Pierce chuckled as he flipped the top card.

They soon became too engrossed in the game to notice Asha leaned against the doorway, watching them play. She found it...childishly cute. Not that she didn't appreciate a good card game here and there, she just enjoyed watching how pumped up everyone would get over it and especially loved when everybody began laying down +2 cards one after the other, eagerly watching to see who was going to be the sorry, card eating bastard that told everyone to go fuck themselves. It made her sometimes forget that they were floating around in space in search of a new planet to call home as she would be too busy laughing at the wonderfully sweary things everyone said when they tallied up their cards after a 'cheating motherfucker' called Uno. Her eyes did wander over to the Boss. They took in the exhausted figure on the couch and the white bandages around her hands. And she was smart enough to put together that something had happened, but was broken away from her analysis upon hearing Matt promptly tell Pierce to 'take that skip card and shove it in his ass'. The Boss gently rolled over onto her side, making her face the couch, hiding her hands between her and the cushion, which was convenient when Shaundi, Keith, and Ben joined Asha at the doorway.

"They're playing Uno again, aren't they?" Shaundi said, raising an eyebrow with a smirk. Asha nodded.

"You could tell?" she asked.

"Of course. Matt never tells anyone to put anything in their ass unless he's losing." Asha chuckled and nodded. Ben smiled a bit and joined the trio on the floor.

"Redeal them cards, Miller. I want in", he said, taking a seat between Kinzie and Matt. Kinzie looked up at the rest still standing at the doorway and raised an eyebrow.

"You guys just gonna stand there or are you gonna get in here so we can bombard the shit out of Matt?" she asked, which was all the incentive they needed to join the rest of the crew as Matt mumbled about how they could all go fuck themselves while shuffling up all the cards along with a second deck Pierce passed him. They found it easier to double up on cards when they all wanted to play. It helped the game last longer (and meant there were plenty of cards to piss each other off with).

Small distractions like this were nice. Better when there was no tension in the room.

Too bad that wasn't the case for Johnny.

* * *

 _"That's not what fucking happened..."_

Johnny's mind was blank. Absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt blank. It wasn't that he'd never seen the Boss lose her shit before. There was just normally a person there that was taking the beating. But there was paint where there was supposed to be blood. The only blood anywhere in the room was hers and it was on her knuckles and smeared against glass, wires, and metal in a tarp of vomit.

Everything.

He had to tell them everything.

There was no more beating around the bush. He couldn't dodge the questions anymore or cover for her when she suddenly tensed up and left. They had to know the truth and they had to know it now. Something was taking advantage of a problem that was already there and making it worse. Something wanted her dead and if he was going to protect her the way he told himself he would, he had to break his silence. It was for a good reason, but it still felt like snitching. Johnny was never a snitch under any circumstance. He'd take another hit from a shotgun in his other knee before he snitched. But he wasn't telling a cop or any of that shit. It was the crew. The same crew (and then some) that helped take over Steelport, that stood by the Boss after he was taken and took down the Syndicate, that all made their way to the White House, and that helped the Boss take him back even after they knew just how dangerous it would be. This was the crew. This was the Saints. And the Saints always took care of their own. So, no. He wasn't gonna snitch. He was gonna let the Saints know that one of their own was being attacked and that it was time to make some shit happen, even if it meant the Boss would be upset. Johnny had to.

Her life depended on it.

Johnny rose from his spot on the couch and left the cargo bay, heading to the living room. The sound of an audible 'fuck' and laughter caught his attention and he picked up his pace to be greeted with the sight of the crew sitting on the floor in front of the couch the Boss was (still) asleep on, playing Uno. It had been a while since he had seen these moments on the ship. The moments they were able to just let go of the day and relax and just enjoy each other's company like they used to. He kinda smiled.

"Johnny", he heard Shaundi call. "You gonna get in on this too or what?" He thought about it for a moment as he looked at the Boss and nodded.

"Sure, I mean, if you all wanna get your asses kicked at once, why not?" he joked, sitting between Matt and Ben, his back against the couch the Boss was on. One more night to just be as they used to was all he had to offer them at the moment. One more night to pretend nothing ever happened and they were still in Steelport or Stilwater, just sitting with the crew with a card game, an empire, and no worries like before. Johnny looked over his shoulder while organizing his cards at the Boss as she rolled back over, her hands cupped against her chest, still fast asleep.

Asha's murmur of 'oh, you motherfucker' aimed at Kinzie made Johnny turn back to them while Asha drew 2 cards from the deck in the center, laughing the whole time. Shaundi's laugh as she rested her head on Keith's shoulder made her almost seem like their favorite, happy go lucky dreadhead again (who used to actually kick everyone's ass at Uno). Ben let out a deep chuckle as he put down the +4 color change card and said yellow, to which Johnny mumbled 'asshole' as he drew the four cards. Beeping was heard coming towards them and CID floated over to the group.

"I see you are once again playing Uno. While I have no interest in playing myself, I would like to keep score and listen to the awful things you call each other while you play. Please proceed", he said, floating above them all.

"And that means nobody will be able to cheat!" Matt said, putting down a yellow card. Keith chuckled at Matt as he also put down a yellow card.

"Kid, you're only sayin' that because you suck at this game." Matt became a little flustered but turned his head with a pout.

"Nuh-uh. Everyone else is just cheating." Shaundi just smiled as she laid down a +2 card.

"Either add or eat em, Pierce", she said, keeping her head against Keith's shoulder. Pierce raised a brow.

"Oh, so we're startin' that shit already, huh? Gonna just come right up out the gate with it?" he said, putting another +2 down. "I'm not eatin' em. Kinzie?"

"Not on your life", she said, quickly adding another. "How about you, Asha?"

"While I appreciate the kindness, I'm going to have to ask that you promptly take that shit elsewhere", and she added another. "Ben, would you be a dear and draw 8 cards?" Ben laughed.

"Look, I'm a classy man, but even I know when to tell a lady to go fuck herself" and put down another dreaded +2 card. "Yo, Gat, you got this one?"

"Not on your fuckin' life, Ben." Another +2. The crew all turned to Matt. "Well?" Johnny said. Matt looked around at the rest of the Saints and let out a frustrated huff.

"Fuck. All. Of. You", he said from between his clenched teeth as he drew the 12 cards that had been racked up. The crew busted out into laughter, including CID, who decided to let Matt in on his likelihood of winning the game at this point. "Fuck you, CID!" Through all of the yelling and laughter, the Boss remained asleep and Johnny took a peek back at her again with a small sigh.

Just one more night.

* * *

 **Boss: I know this chapter is shorter than the others. I'm having a few issues right now that are screwing with me and making it a bit hard to type everything out. But still, I hope you enjoyed. Reviews are appreciated.**

 **Thank you.**


	11. Stitches

**Boss: Sorry about the hold up. A lot has been going on and it's kinda fuckin** **g with the writing process (amongst other things). Anyway, this one's gonna kinda delve into the history of the Saints through Johnny's point of view and also the Boss's ascension from a canonized new blood to the Boss. Back story is important. So, please enjoy and review. As much as possible. Please. Feedback is needed. And I know what it said in the other chapter about the Boss confronting Julius before getting to Johnny. I just like the idea of her waking up with revenge IMMEDIATELY on her mind and taking him out as the first order of business.**

 **Enjoy.**

* * *

The Boss never really thought about how important her hands were to her until nearly everything she did (or at least tried to do) made them hurt. She could feel the slight tug of the stitches in her hands ALL THE TIME. No matter what she did, there was that dull throb and pull of the string trying to keep her skin together so it could heal properly and to her, it was maddening. Going to the bathroom was a frustrating adventure within itself, luckily there was a box of rubber gloves beneath the sink, making the chance of something going wrong less likely, but washing her hands after was still a bit painful (she wasn't about to go without washing her hands for any reason whatsoever). She wanted to hide away in her art room, but with the extent of all the damage she had caused, the entire room had to be fixed. Wiring, metal plates, glass, everything. When asked by the Zin assigned to fix the mess what happened to the room, she blankly looked at them and said 'bad day' before walking off, leaving them to cringe at the thought of what could've caused such an outburst.

At the moment, she was sitting by herself in the bridge, hunched over with her elbows on her knees as she stared through the windshield at the metal walls surrounding them. She could only imagine how she looked at the moment. It was early when she woke up (or at least she assumed so since everyone was dead to the world when she became conscious) but she was still exhausted in a sense that she didn't want to sleep. It wasn't sleep she wanted. She was just...tired. Tired enough that she didn't even bother putting her regular makeup on, consisting of black shadow, liner, and mascara. All black. That was one thing that remained consistent in all this time. Her black makeup and bare lips. Her face. She didn't know what it was but as long as she had her face, she could do anything. It sounded quite narcissistic, but it was the truth. Void black eyeshadow and liner, cheeks contoured for the gods, lashes as long as the list of people she murdered and as black as her soul, and her natural full lips with rings looping through. She looked like a badass. A good looking badass. Maybe that's what gave her the extra oomph she needed when making appearances everywhere, just enough to be able to ignore her anxiety for a little while.

The more she pondered it, the more sense it began to make. It had become her defense mechanism. As long as she always looked good (fierce as fuck in other words), she wouldn't concentrate too much on the urgently rising burning going on in her body and brain as her discomfort ran amok because she'd be more worried about how absolutely flawless (and matching) the wings of her eyeliner were, how masterfully blended her shadow was, and how cut those cheekbones and jawline were. Today, however, she didn't have it in her and shut herself up in the bridge so nobody had to see her and her 'awkward babyfaced 12 year old' face, as she called it. Natural looks weren't her thing, so the days she went bare faced, she did her best to not really let people see her. It made her feel vulnerable and she fucking hated it. The Boss made it a point to not put herself in that position again, no matter what the situation was. Heist, assassination, carjacking, making coffee at 6 am after riddling holes into the alarm clock that woke her at 6 am, whatever. She did it with a mug beat for the gods.

But today would be potato face day. The Boss had to admit that it was nice to rub her eyes freely and scratch an itch without possibly smearing her liner or worse, her eyebrows. Boss would kill if her brows ended up fucked up (then again, she'd kill just about anyone for half a snickers and a high five). The sound of the doors sliding open made her roll her eyes and drop her head with a sigh. Of course someone would come in when she didn't want them to. Murphy's Law, right?

"Boss? What're you doing sitting in here?" she heard Shaundi ask, taking the seat beside her. The Boss shrugged, looking at the floor instead of Shaundi.

"Just felt like it. What're you doing in here? Much less awake? I figured you'd still be curled up with Keith", the Boss responded. Shaundi laughed as she leaned back in her chair.

"He's a heavy sleeper and I had to pee and ended up waking up." As Shaundi turned towards the Boss in her spinning chair, she tilted her head, looking at her. "You're not wearing your makeup today." It was a simple statement. Not an insult, nor a compliment. Just an observation. Shaundi noticed how much softer her face looked just from looking at her side profile. It wasn't often she saw the Boss without makeup on. In fact, she could count how many times it happened on one hand, but it was kinda nice (and weird) when it happened. The instances the Boss let her guard down in any way were rare and it was important for them to see it every so often. It was like a subconscious sign of trust and Shaundi could understand it. While she also wasn't a fan of going out with at least some mascara and a little liner, she had no problem doing it. But she always noticed how the Boss acted on days she didn't wear her 'war paint' as Pierce liked to call it. Large sunglasses and hoodies were an all day affair for her and they didn't come off unless being replaced by some MAC or otherwise.

But now, here she was without shadow and sunglasses, just looking human. Alarmingly human. And the white bandages around her hands reminded Shaundi exactly how human she was. Just because she was spending a lot of time with Keith didn't mean she had turned a blind eye to what was going on around her and neither did he. They were both aware that something was going on and seeing the state the Boss's hands were in told her it was getting worse. Shaundi scooted closer to the Boss and leaned towards her so she could maintain a low tone.

"Boss...what happened?" she asked. The Boss furrowed her brow and looked over at Shaundi.

"What do you mean?" Shaundi raised a brow and looked at the Boss, who attempted to deflect the question.

"Don't play dumb. What happened?" she asked again, this time gesturing to the Boss's hands. The Boss leaned back in her chair lazily as she let out a brief chuckle, holding her hand up in front of her face as she looked at it.

"Not much. Just got a little pissy, that's all."

"Boss", Shaundi said calmly. "I know you don't like talking about certain things. I get it. But that's not your cue to talk to me like I'm stupid. I've noticed for a while that something has been up." The Boss let out an unsurprised sigh.

Shaundi was always smart. Even when she was so high, she was practically high-fiving Jesus Christ. The girl knew her shit. And in the reality of it, the Boss knew that if anybody would kinda understand what she was dealing with, it'd be her. At least in terms of her depression. It was something the Boss always wanted to talk to her about but she knew better than to do that. All it would do was piss her off and then, she'd be cranky for days on end, so when Shaundi went through her depressed period during their takeover of Steelport, the Boss simply did what she could do to ease it for her instead of getting too personal and telling her she understood.

"It's no big deal, Shaundi. There's just a lot going on in my head right now that I'm trying to deal with", the Boss sighed. Shaundi scoffed and, gently but firmly, grabbed the Boss's wrist, making her hold her hand up.

"I'm sorry but THIS", Shaundi said as she forced the Boss to look at it, "is a big fucking deal. The last time you were bandaged was when you were in a coma in PRISON and exactly how long ago was that?" Shaundi was trying not to get frustrated. She really was. The Boss looked so tired and without her makeup, she looked almost like a 12 year old (a heavily pierced 12 year old but still) and Shaundi wasn't one to yell at children but she didn't know what else to do. It didn't feel right for her to be so happy while her boss and one of her best friends was so...depressed.

There it was. It clicked. That was the answer Shaundi had been looking for. The Boss had depression.

"Shaundi, I'm f-"

"You're depressed", she said in realization, looking at the Boss with a stunned expression. The Boss froze and could feel her entire being heat up and the sweat beginning to build up on her scalp, down her back, and at her temples before suddenly feeling cold. There was no way for her to weasel out of this or pull a bullshit answer out of thin air. There was no eyeshadow to hide the way her eyes had widened. No contour to disguise the way her jaw tightly clenched. No powder to absorb the sweat that had suddenly appeared. Nothing. This was vulnerability. This was exposure.

This wasn't good.

* * *

Johnny's eyes slowly began to creak open behind his sunglasses as he awoke and he reached up, trying to rub the blurriness from his vision. The colors before his eyes started out as a muddled up mess but the more he rubbed, the more they began to properly align, revealing what looked like a pissed off Shaundi, her arms firmly crossed over her chest and a glare set on her face.

Well, fuck.

Another scenario he didn't plan on.

"Hey, Shaundi. What's-"

"Don't. Even. Try it", she said. He sighed and took his feet down from the table, sitting up.

"Alright", he said. "What is it? What's this about?" Shaundi unfolded her arms calmly and took a breath before speaking.

"When were you gonna tell me the Boss had depression? Better yet, when was I going to be told she had major depressive disorder AND apparently, severe anxiety and that that had something to do with why her hands are messed up?" she said, slowly getting louder as her frustration started mounting. "When did you plan on telling me that that was why the Boss has been so off lately? Huh? When?!" Yelling Shaundi was not a good Shaundi. "When were you gonna tell me that you knew everything all along and didn't bother to let me or anyone else know?!"

"Shaundi, listen-" but Johnny was cut off again.

"No, you listen! You didn't see the look on her face she gave me when I put the pieces together!" she yelled. "Johnny, she looked as if I just caught her in bed with Keith, she looked so fucking guilty!" Johnny pinched the bridge of his nose and grabbed her arm, bringing her into the cargo bay, where Pierce had been sitting on the couch while Matt was seated atop a stack of containers. When both men looked up and saw Johnny bring Shaundi in, they immediately rose from their spots and backed away, feeling cold sweats break out across their skin. They nervously looked at each other before turning to Johnny and then, to Shaundi, who slowly realized why they were backing away from her. Her expression began to twist into a pissed off shock. Pierce held his hands up. He knew what that face meant.

"Shaundi, before you-" Pierce started but she whipped her head over to Johnny, pointing at the other two in the room.

"Are you fucking kidding me?! You told them before telling me?!" she yelled.

"N-no!" Matt piped up, flinching when she quickly turned her head to him. "We sort of found out something was wrong on accident! None of us actually know what's going on yet!"

"Who else knows?!" Shaundi demanded.

"K-Kinzie! We don't know what exactly is going on though! Only Johnny does!" Matt said as he sort of stood behind Pierce, who rolled his eyes at him. Shaundi thought for a minute, cooling down.

"So...they don't know the details", she said. Johnny shook his head.

"I haven't told them yet. I planned on doin' it today. You just sped up the process", he said, rubbing the back of his neck. The scowl remained on her face and she sighed before sitting down on the couch.

"Well, then you might as well get Kinzie in here, too, so at least I can find out the rest of this now rather than later", she snipped. Pierce looked over to Johnny, silently asking if they were going to do this to which Johnny nodded his head.

"Go ahead and bring her in", he said. As Pierce went on to get their redheaded genius, Johnny yawned.

Not exactly how he wanted to start his day.

Fuck, he didn't even get any coffee in him before the yelling already started.

* * *

The ship was quiet. Suspiciously quiet.

It had been a few hours since Shaundi had started interrogating the Boss. She didn't reveal everything to her. Just enough to explain why her behaviors were so strange. She didn't tell her everything she told Johnny and there was still things she didn't tell Johnny and all of it just made her even more tired. But of course, being tired didn't mean she would be able to sleep. All she could do was remain in her chair, her head leaned to the side against her own shoulder while she stared into nothingness again in the hopes the day would just pass her by. Whatever could be considered day in space. The Boss was just exhausted and wanted to do nothing but sit there and pretend she was nothing. As if she never existed.

A hand on her shoulder made her jump and she quickly turned, ready for a fight, but only saw Ben, who threw up his eyebrows upon seeing the Boss's natural face.

"Whoa, relax. I just wanted to thank you for the other day, playa", he said, taking in her appearance for a minute. It was a little disorienting to see the Boss with a more innocent face as he thought to describe it. "It really helped get my writing goin' again, so I decided to make it a full on series and implement the main character's sidekick a bit more." The Boss tiredly smiled a bit and nodded.

"No problem, Ben", she said, patting his hand. "Nice to know something good comes out of me getting my ass kicked", she laughed. Ben chuckled a bit at her remark.

"Hey, I didn't say you had to let him whip yo ass. That part was your idea"

"Yea", she said. Ben was so pleased with his writing, she knew that and didn't have it in her to take that away from him by revealing what really happened. It was one of the few things that made him smile despite how things played out so far and while she was an asshole, she wasn't going to bring him or anyone else down with her. "Can't win em' all, right?"

"Right. Anyway, Imma go work on my writing more. I got Keith goin' over the rough drafts right now and so far, he's feelin' it."

"Really? I figured him and Shaundi would be glued at the hip right now." Ben laughed a bit.

"As much as they like each other, being stuck on a ship with the same people for who knows how long can still take a toll. But I'm pretty sure they'll be stuck together again in about an hour", he said, peering down at his watch. She smiled a bit, rubbing her eyes with a yawn. Again, Ben looked down at her, this time lightly frowning.

"You good, playa?" he asked her.

Good lord, those questions just made her want to scream these days. Not out of anger. Just frustration. At herself. Because no, she wasn't okay for a multitude of reasons but that wasn't their business.

"Yea, I'm good. Why?"

"Well, you just seem...tired these days. And I heard about the room you fucked up. What happened?" She had to admit, her hands were a dead giveaway, but sometimes, it killed her how nosey her crew could be. She knew they asked out of concern but still.

"Eh, just got a little pissy, that's all. My periods probably about to start up soon", she lied. An obvious cringe twisted up Ben's face, making the Boss laugh.

"Shit, if that's what happens just cause your period, I don't wanna know what happens when some shits really wrong", he mumbled. The Boss threw her eyes up lightly at Ben's statement.

"You really don't", she replied.

"Is that why you skipped out on your regular made up face today?" he asked. The Boss raised a pierced eyebrow as she looked up at him.

"Is that how you normally ask people things like that?"

"All the shit we say to each other on a regular basis and THAT is the one that offends you? Fo' real?" The Boss was about to retort but thought about it for a second and nodded her head.

"You got me there. I just wasn't feeling it today. That's all. I know I look like a fucking potato. I didn't necessarily plan on people actually seeing me today buuuuuut it's not like I can really hide anywhere on this ship", she sighed. Ben let out a laugh and pat her shoulder before heading out.

"Well, I'll let you be then. Thanks again, playa." The doors slid shut and silence resumed.

In all honesty, she felt just as empty as the room she was sitting in after he left.

* * *

"And when the FUCK were you guys planning on telling me all of this?!"

They had forgotten just how scary pissed off Shaundi could be but boy howdy, were they remembering it now. It was like being yelled at by a pissed off parent after they had to pick you up from the police station for drugs that 'weren't yours'.

When Kinzie came into the room, they decided for Shaundi's sake to take it from the top before anything else happened, including having her watch the videos they had on hand. They kept a safe distance from Shaundi as she went through each one, her expressions shifting constantly. Worry, confusion, anger. Worry, confusion, anger. Worry, confusion, anger, glare pointed towards the others in the room, and back to worry. Shaundi could be read as if she were an open book. Once the last video was over, Shaundi sighed and slammed the laptop shut before turning her head to look at the others. They all internally cringed (except for Matt, who practically shrank into himself and behind Johnny) and waited to hear what she had to say about what she had just seen.

"You wanna explain to me why this hasn't been brought to the entire crew's attention yet?" she said in an eerily even tone. Kinzie decided to be the one to start explaining before Shaundi's anger rose at the not so good explanations the others may have had.

"Because it would cause more harm than good right now. It would create tension amongst us that would result in everyone avoiding each other and the crew would fall apart, especially if we try to approach it without enough info to back it all up. We've been meaning to. We just don't have all the information to do so yet", she explained. "She may be acting different now, but you know as well as we all do what can happen if she feels cornered or threatened in anyway, even by us. There's almost nothing the Boss can't find a loophole in."

"Which is why she turned to Johnny first", Shaundi realized, looking up to him. "The Boss always confided in you because she knew you'd never say anything she didn't want you to."

"If we had never found you, she would've kept her mouth shut and would probably be in much worse shape right now", Kinzie said to Johnny. Pierce took a seat by Shaundi, who put a hand on the upset Saint's shoulder. He may not have expressed it as openly, but she knew Pierce was upset. She knew him like the back of her hand. That was her brother.

Johnny nodded silently. They all turned to him and he knew why. It was time to spill.

"Johnny", Shaundi said. "What did she tell you?" For once, Johnny actually struggled to find the right words to say. The words that would make this sound less crazy then it was, but he knew that wasn't gonna happen. Crazy was apparently what followed them everywhere or else they wouldn't be up in outer fucking space. He rubbed the back of his neck and sighed, figuring he'd start small before jumping into the crazy shit. Meaning from the top.

"Alright. The Boss has apparently had some severe anxiety and some form of depression. I think she said it was major depressive or somethin' like that. She had it way before she was a Saint and it made her stay in her house all the damn time." He looked around to make sure they were still listening and could see the uncomfortable shifts and mild looks of worry on their faces at the reveal. "The Boss never said a word when we first got ahold of her. We didn't even know she was a damn girl and by the way she handled bein' canonized, I'da never known it. Bein' a girl in the Row wasn't safe. That's the reason she gave me as to why she was disguisin' herself as a dude the whole time." His explanation for the Boss's strange behavior ended up becoming a trip down memory lane. The history of the Boss through his eyes. "I didn't think she was gonna make it, to be honest. Figured she...well, HE at the time, was gonna be taken out in his first drive by or by a stray bullet but dammit if he wasn't a tough son of a bitch. Started respectin' him more after that. So, I started throwin' more his way to see just how much he could take."

A frown suddenly came across his face. It had been a long time since he thought about how they all started. Was it even relevant? He didn't care. They needed to know everything. Maybe there actually was something in all of the chaos they created over the years that held an explanation of some type.

"I didn't really care about him back then until we were sent to take out Tanya and her two fucktoys. He was the last person I expected to see after takin' that hit to the knee but I'll admit, I was pretty fuckin' relieved to see him. Boss killed without question and didn't really react to much until Lin died. I lost my shit when I was told. Didn't see the Boss til later. Turns out, Lin knew she wasn't gonna make it out of there and gave the Boss a way out. Boss's ribs stopped the bullet from hittin' anything important and that's how he made it out, but Lin...wasn't so lucky. The day Julius told Boss they found Lin's body in the river, he was sittin' in the graveyard by the church. That was the most I had seen the Boss express since becomin' a Saint. But I saw the gears in his head turnin'. I knew he wasn't gonna let that shit slide."

As Johnny spoke, the rest listened, soaking up everything he had to say and shocked he was actually saying this much without ending every other sentence in 'fuck it' or 'whatever'.

"And now that I look at it, I wouldn't have it any other way. There's nothin' the Boss can't do."

Shaundi somewhat smiled at the way Johnny said that. She could see and even hear the honesty in his voice, maybe even a little bit of admiration. There was something there. She knew it.

"The morning after the boat exploded, it was all over the news. I couldn't believe what I was seein' and Aisha was so fuckin' upset. She cried on and off all day and I nearly tore the church apart with my bare hands lookin' for Julius. It wasn't much longer before we fell apart and after findin' out who Troy really was, I went after him but that motherfucker knew I would and lo and behold, they locked my ass up. Troy came by and tried to talk to me and reason with me and all that shit..."

"What did you do when he did?" Pierce asked. Johnny shrugged.

"Punched him in the face through the bars of my cell and told him to go fuck himself. Knocked him on his ass." He couldn't help but kinda smirk at the satisfying crunch noise Troy's nose made before the guards put him in isolation. Fucker deserved it.

"Anyway, while I was in jail, that's when I learned about the Boss actually bein' a girl. Heard some of the inmates talkin' about it after everything aired on the news. Kinda started out as shit talk before I stepped in and set the record straight. Of course, I did have to bust a few upside the head to get em' to learn how to shut the fuck up. Easy enough. Was kinda hopin' the Boss would wake up sooner to bust me out but better late than never. I remember Legal Lee tryin' to convince me to let him handle all the talkin' but I figured 'fuck it, they're about to fry my ass, so I'll just give them as much shit as possible while I still got the pulse to do it'. And after tellin' the judge to shove her gavel up her ass, the door comes down and there's the Boss, right in the nick of time. Seein' her as a girl really didn't shock me either. Still the same trigger happy hardass she was before she got blown the fuck up, just had tits. Well, the makeup was a bit surprisin'."

While Johnny spoke, Kinzie had her laptop on hand, recording and typing everything he had to say and skimming through it to piece it all together. She had only heard stories about Johnny when she had joined the Saints, but now that she was sitting here, actually listening to him and observing him, it all made sense to her. Johnny really was something to be admired in more ways than one. He was honest, loyal, smart, and the only person she could think of that was the Boss's equal, if not better. So for her to confide in him was really the only piece of the puzzle that seemed to fit.

"When we got to the house and Aisha came down, I could see the way her shoulders relaxed and how surprised she was to see both me and the Boss. It was kinda funny, ya know. After the breakout happened and some shit settled, when we weren't out raisin' Hell, Aisha and the Boss would hang out. It was the only time the Boss ever acted like a girl, ya know? Sometimes, I'd see them sittin' together on the couch and the Boss would be paintin' Aisha's nails while Aisha told her about how her day went and just gossipin', lettin' her in on everything that had been goin' on over the years. It sometimes made me wonder how things woulda been if we were all livin' a normal life", he said. It wasn't the first time the thought crossed his mind. He loved murder, there was no denyin' that. Blood, bullets, guns, knives, explosives, the works. You name it, he used it. But he couldn't help but wonder how things were in an alternate universe, where maybe instead of being a gangster, he was perhaps a cop or some shit and he was putting people behind bars instead of in graves.

Johnny didn't think about it because he wanted to be a cop. He had no interest in it. He thought about it because maybe in that world, Aisha was alive. The idea of her still being out there somewhere was comforting. Like no matter the shit that happened, she was something that would always be beautiful, always be young. Just always be.

"But we knew that wasn't gonna happen. Love what I do too much and so did the Boss. Aisha knew that. She accepted that about me a long time ago and that was somethin' I loved about her. She never expected me to change. She took me as I was instead of seein' me as somethin' she could fix. And she liked the Boss. Aisha was one of the very few people that the Boss liked and they ended up bein' good friends. It was like Aisha brought out the girl in the Boss, ya know? Nobody ever saw the Boss as anything but the Boss. Not a dude, not a chick. Just the Boss. But with Aisha, she was able to act like a girl. She could do all the girly shit she never got to do with anyone before. Not like she had time to do it while we were takin' everything over and she didn't want Aisha hangin' around the crib considerin' how many times assholes kept breakin' in, so she'd go to Aisha's instead when she could."

"Sounds like they were pretty tight", Pierce said, lightly chuckling at the thought of the Boss doing girly shit like singing into hair brushes and dancing around in an oversized jersey and shorts. Johnny smiled and nodded.

"They really were. You'd think they were best friends from the start the way they were. I already knew I was her best friend, but Aisha was the female friend she didn't know she needed. So when the Ronin made their move at the house...it was...I never felt so much blind rage and heartache at the same time in my entire life. After my fight with Jyunichi, everything started goin' black and patchy. I remember the Boss bein' on the phone, then we were outside and she was shootin' up more Ronin, then we were speedin' down the road, and then bright lights and nothin'. Didn't wake up until a couple days later. They told the Boss I woke up and she showed up not long after. Told me Jyunichi was dead and about all the shit they fucked up along the way. I asked about Aisha's funeral and she let me know everyone was waitin' on my word but...the look on her face...I hadn't seen that look on the Boss's face since Lin died, but it was there. That blank look she would get when she was plottin' for somethin' big to happen. She wasn't fuckin' around and neither was I. Ended up takin' me out of the hospital in a helicopter when the Ronin showed up, no surprise there. Shogo only handed Jyunichi over to the Boss because of his fuckin' daddy issues. Knew that little bitch would show up in the graveyard. Never buried anyone alive before but it was pretty fuckin' satisfyin' lowerin' him into the dirt and mufflin' up his screaming. Boss told me he probably died of a heart attack before suffocation ever got to him but I like to think he slowly suffocated because fuck him."

They remained so engrossed in what Johnny was saying, nobody suspected Asha to be on the bridge above them, listening to everything. Taking in everything she never knew about the Saints and the Boss and it gave her just the smallest bit of perspective on everything she thought she knew about them. How they presented themselves now was something they had earned. It was a far cry from her strict upbringing rooted in patriotism. Everything she did was for 'Queen and Country'. Everything. The Saints always took care of their own, their loyalty rooted in each other. It put her at a crossroads. Asha did everything in her life to protect the world. The Saints did everything in their lives to protect each other. Sacrifices were to be expected in Asha's line of work and she could make them without batting a lash. Sacrifices weren't made willingly or wanted by the Saints and if they could prevent it, they did. They defied logic based on a moral code they didn't know they had and in a weird way, she could respect that. That didn't mean she agreed with how they did things. She still wholeheartedly believed in her 'order of operations' method being better. Nothing could change her mind on that. But she supposed she could get used to the rough and tumble lot of them.

"That same look stayed on her face while she dealt with the Brotherhood. After she met with Maero, I asked her how it went. She told me he was an overcompensatin' prick and his girlfriend was a prissy little wannabe badass with no upper lip and shitty fashion sense. Saw 'em and she was right. Jessica looked like she got dressed in the dark wit no upper lip to be found and Maero apparently had a severe case of shrimp dick or else he wouldn't need all his stupid fuckin' cars and shitty tribal tattoos. I thought her little stunt with the radioactive shit in his tattoo ink was pretty fuckin' genius. But that was the fucked up thing about all of it. She didn't kill him. She mighta fucked up his mug, but she didn't kill his ass and she coulda. I think she shoulda." Silence took over. Once again, Johnny struggled to word his thoughts correctly. That day the Boss came back to the crib, he immediately knew shit was off.

"The day Carlos died...everything was fuckin' wrong. It had been rainin' like a motherfucker all day. The Boss left the crib to meet Carlos clean and in a neutral mood, she came back covered in blood, rain, sweat, gunpowder. Hell, maybe even tears. But it wasn't out of sadness. That day, we saw Boss's rage. The homie she called out to meet her came back lookin' traumatized as fuck. I don't know what it was he saw or what she did, but the poor guy looked like he shit, pissed, and vomited all over himself. I asked him what happened since the Boss hadn't made it down to the crib yet and he said she called him and told him where she was and to grab a tool box and hung up. That was all I could get out of him before I heard her boots tappin' down the stairs. Looked up and there she was, soaked to the bone in rain and blood spray coverin' her. She didn't say anything at first. Just stood there in front of the Saint of all Saints, starin' at nothin' like a fuckin' zombie. We just looked at her at first. Nobody moved or said anything. We knew shit was about to go south."

Shaundi and Pierce looked away in different directions, the events playing back in their heads. Everything Johnny was saying was mostly meant for Kinzie and Matt but hearing it all being retold made them revisit memories they had almost forgotten about in the midst of everything else that happened. Blood, rain, and bullets. That entire day was nothing but blood, rain, and bullets. The more thought about it, the more he thought that perhaps that day was a sign of things to come. Look at what was happening now.

"Then, she looked down at us all and murmured somethin', but we didn't hear it. We looked at each other and back to her and with the same blank ass, zombie look, screamed at us all to get the fuck out. Half the crew scurried out of the first door they saw and ended up around the homeless camps outside of the crib or hid in closets. The other half flew like bats out of Hell, passed her to the elevator, and burned rubber. The three of us went into one of the offices and shut the door and that's when she fuckin' lost it. What happened in that crib is almost the exact same thing as what happened in that video. But at the time, the Boss didn't give a fuck about any type of self control. None of us did."

"What...did she do?" Matt quietly asked. The poor boy could see it all playing out in his head and he wasn't even there but as descriptive as Johnny was, he could put it together.

"Heh...what didn't she do? We heard glass bustin', tables crackin', rails comin' down. Bottles went flyin', bullets were bein' fired. And the screamin'...God, the screamin'. I ain't really one to get all poetic and shit about anything, but listenin' to her screamin' and yellin' sounded like bands of demons comin' up her throat. Like all seven circles of Hell opened up the second she opened her mouth because nothin' else could really show what she was feelin'. To be honest, I was pretty sure she was the closest we'd ever get to a demon Saint. Nothin' could prepare us for what we saw when we opened that door. It almost looked the exact same way it did when we first found the place. Everything except the Saint of Saints. That was the only thing left standing and the Boss stood there right in front of it with her head down. Once we were sure she was done, we approached her. Didn't say a fuckin' word. Just stood there with her because we knew she needed us. She was plannin'."

"And what did you guys do about...you know...Carlos", Matt carefully asked. The older Saints all looked at him and he began to back away, thinking he fucked up. Johnny shook his head.

"She brought him back to the crib. When she finally came to, she told us to follow her to the car. When we got to it, she opened the back door and there he was, laid across the backseat. Still had part of the chain around his ankles. She told us what happened. Told us how she had to put him out of his misery. She couldn't do anything else, but she wasn't gonna leave him there. Told us he was there for her to get her out of prison and she'd be there for him to get him back home. The damage he took was so bad, you almost couldn't see the bullet hole but...it was there. I couldn't tell you if the Boss was cryin' or not. She didn't say shit the whole time we stood there together, lookin' at him. One thing she kept to remember him by was his purple beanie."

Kinzie looked up suddenly, her brow furrowed.

"I think...I've seen it before", she said, recalling seeing a purple hat in the Boss's rooms in every main crib they took over. "It would be sitting in the Boss's safe where she kept her jewelry, guns, cash, ammo, and all documents she had." Kinzie would always catch a glimpse of a purple hat with a necklace she never wore sitting atop it.

"You saw it." She nodded.

"The Boss always kept her stuff in a safe and sometimes, I would see a purple hat inside. It looked old, a bit torn, dirty, and well, the edges looked like they were covered in really old blood stains." A small smile came across his face.

"She'll never tell you, but the Boss is actually really sentimental. I used to tease her about it and then ended up actually askin' her about it. She said it was important to remember. Said 'peace is the enemy of memory' and if we don't remember everything that happens, we'll forget why we do what we do in the first place. She was on some real Confucius shit but she was right. It kept us grounded."

"Is that why she doesn't let things go?" Matt asked. Shaundi raised a brow and looked at him.

"There's a difference between letting things go and dwelling", she said. If anyone knew the difference between the two, it was her. "You can let things go and still remember them without it affecting you the same way. Dwelling on something is what eats at you. If she dwelled on what happened with you back in Steelport, you wouldn't have made it to MI6. At least not in one piece." Matt nodded his head in understanding, feeling relief at knowing the Boss had honestly forgiven his past transgressions, in a way.

"At least one of us learned how to let shit go", Johnny chuckled. "Neither one of us ever let anything slide back then. She almost tore Stilwater down to the ground when Veteran Child took off with Shaundi." Kinzie turned to her and saw the way she raised her brows and rolled her eyes at the mention of her past ex who was now residing within the simulation with her younger self.

"It didn't help he pulled that stunt right after losing Carlos. She was still kinda in mourning when he busted in", Shaundi said. "We had a service for him but not with the body. She didn't tell us what she did with the body. Just that she was taking care of him."

"When Veteran Child took off with you, Boss was worried we would have to have another service for you", Pierce piped up. Shaundi frowned. "And not because she thought you were the weak link."

"Of course I was", she mumbled, but Pierce shook his head.

"No, girl. That's not it at all. It had nothin' to do with that. As heavily as she was mourning Carlos, she was NOT ready to lose you, too. Why do you think she always had me stay behind wit you?" he said, mildly frustrated.

"Because you weren't paying attention to the helicopters the Samedi were using for their drug transport and almost didn't catch them", she said, causing him to become flustered.

"Girl-you-fuckin'-no! Ugh! She pulled me aside and told me why later on." Shaundi rolled her eyes.

"Oh, really? And what exactly did she tell you?" Pierce rolled his eyes.

"Look, we ain't here to listen to me answer your disgruntled ass, we're supposed to be listenin' to Johnny, so let's let the man finish talkin'", he said before returning attention to the older Saint, who sat there smirking at the two. One thing that never changed about Shaundi and Pierce was their constant bickering and Johnny was pleased to see that.

"Hehe. Anyway, after the General sent Veteran Child to take you out, that's when we knew we had to step it up. He had figured out you were the one that had some insight into his shit. That was the main reason Boss was tryin' to keep you in the crib. The General knew who you were and if you were seen, you'da been taken out on sight. She wasn't ready to bury another one. You weren't weak, Shaundi. Boss just wanted to protect you because she couldn't protect Aisha and Carlos. Protectin' you helped her cope with their deaths. I can't tell you what would've happened if we lost you, too, because I don't even know what we would've done. Our only other option would've been to just level all of Stilwater and start from scratch. But you exceeded the Boss's expectations, even though she never told you that, Shaundi. She's proud of you."

Hearing these things now only served to depress Shaundi more because now, the Boss was the one that was feeling like the weakest link and she didn't know what to do about it.

"When we got our hands on Ultor, it was like everything was finally comin' together. Everything that we fought tooth and fuckin' nail for was payin' off and Saints Row was finally back under our control. It was satisfyin' as fuck hearin' Vogel snap, crackle, and pop down that fuckin' tower. A few years after our takeover was the plane and well...you guys know the rest", he said, looking up at them all. "The Boss took it harder than she let on, based on what she told me. A lot of nasty habits she had before she was a Saint came back and she never told you guys because she had to be the one to keep you guys goin'. Cause she's the Boss. Boss took care of you guys because she couldn't take care of herself and she knew nobody could. And I wasn't there to do either one. Now, the earth is fuckin' gone and the meds she used to have to take are fuckin' gone with it. The chemicals in her brain are all out of whack again and now, she's havin' to deal with everything she was holdin' in before."

That's when it began to click for everyone in the room. Why she always did everything herself and never called them for help. Why she was so hellbent on keeping busy the whole time and never stopped to relax with them. If she stopped, she would think about everything that happened and if she did that, she would give way to grief, distress, sadness, panic. She would give way to emotion. The same emotion that she spent so much time learning how to control and conceal. And if she would've given way, the crew would've gone down.

Kinzie let out a deep sigh and shut her eyes, her fingers finally slowing down over the keys of her laptop.

"I see...All of this has to be having some type of affect on the simulation", she said, rubbing her temples. "The simulation was made to take the deepest, darkest bits of a person's mind and torment them with it. But what aren't we seeing?"

"What you ain't seein' is what the Boss is actually seein'." Matt frowned and waved his hand.

"Wait, what exactly do you mean by that? That makes no sense. We have direct feed into the simulation. We can see everything", he said, racking his brain for what they could possibly be missing. Johnny shook his head.

"You don't have direct feed into the Boss's mind, though. That's what you're missin'. Just cause you can't see some shit doesn't mean it's not happenin'. I think the simulation is fuckin' with the Boss's head somehow", Johnny explained. Shaundi frowned.

"How could it when we already took it all over?" she asked. Kinzie bit her lip but then, nodded and again, the tapping of her fingers on her laptop resumed.

"Because the simulation was built upon the premise of mental torture, it still has sentience. It still makes the decision on what it will and won't use to accomplish the objective it was programmed for in the first place. You said the Boss learned how to keep all of her own feelings to herself before she even joined the Saints, right?" Johnny nodded.

"Yea. Boss never let people know what she was really thinkin' and feelin'." The tapping continued and everyone sat in silent anticipation, waiting to see what answers she could come up with with the information she had been given.

Johnny could feel the knot in his stomach form at what this all could possibly mean or lead to and he couldn't help the way he slightly bounced his leg in anxiousness.

"If that's the case, then the simulation is using that to it's advantage. Her internalization of her thoughts and feelings. She did it before willingly and nobody was any wiser to it because she didn't want that to be seen and now, it's doing exactly that to her. It's hiding what she's actually going through, as if it's taking her mind into another simulation while leaving her avatar in the current one we have in view and it knows she wouldn't tell us about it because it would make her feel weak and ashamed for it, because like you said, she's the Boss. She doesn't want to be seen as anything but the Boss but there's the fault. Her lack of care for herself makes her own suffering irrelevant to her. She doesn't care if she's suffering as long as we aren't involved in it."

"Kinzie, what are you tryin' to say?" Pierce asked, the details only serving to confuse him. Her shoulders sagged and she looked at him.

"I'm saying that if all of this is true, the simulation is taking advantage of the Boss's current mental state because it knows everything about her. It's still torturing her."

Sometimes, Kinzie hated being smart...

* * *

 **Boss: So, that's everything I could fit into this one for now. There will be more soon. It just took me a while to get this all together for a multitude of reasons but here it is. Please review. Reviews help me improve where I may fuck up.**

 **Thanks for reading.**


	12. Experiment

**Boss: Sorry about the wait. Shit has been a bit busy since the holidays are coming up (not to mention I had to work on Halloween T-T) but here's the next thing.**

 **If anyone needs a trigger warning, here it is. I say this because shit is getting more descriptive and graphic and I nearly caused myself a panic attack writing this, sooooo yea...**

 **Enjoy.**

* * *

It was getting more and more difficult for Johnny to act normal these days after letting most of the crew know about the Boss. The term 'for her own good' only served to piss him off, resulting in random visits to the simulation that would end in half of Loren Square being completely demolished (that was only IF he was being lazy). It still looked normal to the Boss and Ben, but the rest of the crew knew better. Even Keith, who Shaundi filled in on what was going on.

Shaundi didn't necessarily mean to tell him, but she had become so upset about it, she went to Keith, who always had his arms open for her. He was quite shocked to hear what she had to say, considering how he hadn't known the Boss as long as the others. Keith never saw any signs of the Boss's troubles but after hearing everything from her, small realizations struck him and for a moment he actually felt quite stupid for not seeing it and mentioned that there was a chance he had seen something that should've been a sign.

"What did you see?" she asked, her head against his shoulder.

"I normally caught it either before or after conferences and meetings or at night. Remember when she would just tell us she'd be back and disappear for a while and when we asked about it, she'd just tell us she had a headache and needed something for it?" he said. Shaundi nodded.

"Yea. The Boss gets headaches all the time." It had been revealed after their Stilwater takeover that the Boss actually suffered from chronic migraines and after jumping through so many hoops at hospitals to try to go about getting it treated like a normal person, the pain caused her frustration and she ended up telling the doctor to just put her on pain killers or he wasn't gonna have a head left after she splattered it on the walls.

"Yea, but I'm thinkin' not all of it was headaches and what she was taking wasn't just painkillers." Shaundi furrowed her brow.

"So, Johnny was right. She was on medication", she mumbled. Keith nodded. He remembered the few times he walked by and saw her in a room alone, looking as if she were trying to collect herself. The way she'd be pacing, taking deep breaths as she ran her hand through her hair. Her tie would be loosened and the top button of her suit shirt would be unbuttoned while she continued her breathing that would almost be full on hyperventilation. Keith figured the stress of being President was causing it, that it just came with the job, so he thought nothing of it and let the Boss have her little 'moments', but now that he thought about it, maybe they should've paid more attention.

"Had to be. But even if she still had her medication, if what you guys think is true and the simulation is still trying to torment the Boss, I don't think it would really do a whole lot of good."

"Why not?" Shaundi asked.

"Because it's an outside force using her illness to it's advantage. It's not just her goin' crazy. If it were just her goin' crazy, perhaps it would help, but something is instigating it. Not a whole lot meds can do when something is still outwardly fuckin' with you." Shaundi sighed, looking down.

"You're right."

It was quiet for a moment. Just the light hum of the ship around them. Shaundi didn't want to deal with this right now. It was getting to be too much crazy to even be real, but she knew it was and they had to do something.

"Kinzie wants us to try something to see if she can find out how the simulation is doing what it's doing, but..."

"But what?" Keith asked.

"Not everyone is onboard with it."

"Why not?"

"Because it involves letting the Boss go back into the simulation and after the last couple of times she was in, no one really wants to let that happen. Especially Johnny."

"Jesus Christ..."

* * *

When Kinzie presented the idea to them, Johnny immediately cut in with a loud 'fuck that'. He was not having it, but Matt backed up her idea, albeit nervously as Johnny glared at him the whole time. While it was definitely dangerous, they needed to find out how the simulation was doing what it was doing and the only way to find out was for the Boss to be under. Pierce took Johnny's side, not even bothering to listen to the reasoning behind what Kinzie and Matt were proposing. As they continued to bicker, Shaundi sat in the background, her head in her hands and mind running rampant. She could understand both sides of the argument underway and it made everything especially frustrating for her. Would it work? More than likely. Was she willing to put the Boss in a potentially dangerous situation to find out? Not really. But again, what other options did they have? The simulation had sentience, making things more difficult for Kinzie and Matt to dissect and if they couldn't figure it out, what the fuck were they supposed to do?

The simulation was created with a mind of it's own and there was no way to directly get into it without it either finding out and retaliating or just all together making it impossible to find and so far, it was being impossible. It knew what it was doing. They had to draw it out and in turn, make it expose itself and the only way to do that was to give it what it wanted.

The Boss.

* * *

Johnny stayed seated in a chair outside of the living room, sharpening his knife in an attempt to calm down. Saying he was annoyed didn't begin to cover how he was feeling. He couldn't even properly describe it. No amount of 'motherfucker' or 'fuck' could soothe it over. After seeing what was happening to the Boss and everything he told them and they wanted to put her BACK into the same simulation that was currently still torturing her, even after being pulled out. He understood why they wanted to do it, but the Saints always found a way around those circumstances. They always found another way to stop shit without ever handing the enemy what they wanted. But here they were, thinking about actually handing over the Boss to lure out a program hellbent on making her snap.

And Johnny wasn't cool with that. He knew that if the tables were turned, she'd react the same way and probably punch Matt again (he was kinda disappointed that he missed that). No matter the situation and no matter the enemy, the Saints didn't just hand shit over. Ever. The fact that it would work, though, buzzed around his head incessantly, making his frustration rise. The more he thought about it, the faster and harder he sharpened his knife almost subconsciously. He wasn't even actually looking at what he was doing until a sharp, hot pain dragged across his palm.

"Motherfucker!" he yelled, pulling his hand away from the blade quickly. At least he knew he was sharpening his blades right judging from how deep and long the cut was, which mind you was already bleeding quite a bit. He let out a deep sigh and set his knife down in the chair beside him (AKA buried it in the cushion as deep as he could until the tip hit metal). If anything, this just served to add icing to the stress cake that was currently being forced down his fucking throat.

"I heard 'motherfucker'. What did you do, Johnny?" Johnny looked up from his hand to see the Boss walking up to him. Her makeupless face was the first thing he noticed at the moment. It had been a long time since he saw that face and she had been wearing it a lot more often. The one that looked as if it belonged to someone younger and more innocent (and probably still exhausted as fuck). Without all of her normal liners and shadows, it was apparent how big her eyes actually were, despite how almond shaped. It was weird but kind of...well...cute. Fine. It was cute. He could admit. And the mildly worried look on her face when she saw his hand was flat out adorable, but his neutral expression stayed in place. A small smirk replaced her worry and she shook her head as she stooped down to one knee and took his sliced up hand in her own bandaged up one.

"Come on, man. Didn't we just get through this whole scenario?" she said as she looked at the cut, making a joke of her mishap. Definitely not as deep as hers, but would probably need a few butterfly stitches in it to help the skin heal back together. She carefully reached into her pocket and pulled out some of the spare gauze she had to keep on her. "Hold onto that for a minute", she said. Johnny raised a brow but held onto the gauze, letting it soak up the blood.

"And what the fuck are you gonna do?" he said as she went into Ben's favorite writing spot and rummaged through one of the cabinets. "You can't do anything with your hands all fucked up."

"Johnny, sweetie", she responded, returning with a box. "Do me a solid and shut the fuck up, okay? Besides, it's been a couple of days and they don't hurt as badly anymore. I don't even have to use as much gauze around them now", she said, holding up her right hand that had significantly less gauze around it and a lighter pink blood stain than it did when he first stitched it up. She set the box down next to Johnny's knife and carefully took hold of his hand. "Open up your hand." He slowly opened his hand, revealing the already mostly soaked material. The Boss removed it and set it aside before opening up the box and pulling out an alcohol pad.

"Don't you fuckin' dare", he said, but she simply looked up at him and raised a brow.

"Don't I dare what?" she said as she took his hand in hers. He glared at her and clenched his jaw tightly, feeling the pad drag across the cut and the sting of the alcohol disinfecting it. A small chuckle came from the Boss. "Kinda sucks, doesn't it?"

"Shut up", he mumbled. The stinging began to ease and she used another gauze bit to dry it all off before pulling out a package of butterfly stitches. "You ain't funny."

"I don't know, I think I'm pretty fucking hilarious really", she chuckled, placing the stitches along the cut.

"Boss, you can't even tell knock knock jokes. Who the hell told you you were funny?"

That got the Boss to laugh a little while she wrapped some gauze around his palm for good measure. In truth, she actually was funny. She could be funny as hell when she wasn't even trying to be. But still. She couldn't tell a knock knock joke to save her life.

"Screw you, I know I'm funny." The small smirk on her face died down a little as she still held Johnny's hand in hers. "Just...been a little hard to be these days." Johnny's other hand rested atop her head gently and he sighed.

"Relax, Boss. I know."

The argument from before wouldn't stop ringing around his head and his frustrations began to build up again the more he recalled it. This was driving him insane. He wanted to bring the old Boss back. He'd do anything to do it. At least, he thought he'd do anything. Anything but this.

"Earth to Johnny. Are you okay?" he heard her say.

"Huh? Oh, yea. I'm good, Boss." Maybe he wasn't good. Spacing out had become a common thing for him to do lately and the Boss noticed. Her brows furrowed at his response.

"You sure? Because you don't seem okay." Johnny raised his brows, making the Boss roll her eyes and look away.

"Really? I don't seem okay? I gotta admit, neither do you. That's kinda like the grenade callin' the pipe bomb an explosive, isn't it?"

"Look, smartass, I was just askin'", she mumbled as she rose from her kneeling position with the box in hand. "Last thing anyone needs is BOTH of us goin' batshit." Her eyes turned to the floor and she headed back into the other room to return the box of supplies.

Johnny's nerves were grating even more. Her habits were becoming more and more quiet and submissive and it was like he was watching her die. Avoiding eye contact with people. Not talking much. Always seeming nervous. It reminded him of Zinjai and his frustration came back to him several fold. The Boss wasn't fucking Zinjai. She never was and was never meant to be like that. She was the fucking Boss.

But it was like she wasn't anymore and at that point, he understood what Pierce had said before.

"Motherfucker."

He was gonna hate himself for this so much.

"Hey, Boss!" he called. Her footsteps came back towards him slowly.

"What's up?"

"...Wanna go into the simulation for a bit?"

* * *

"I don't give a damn, Kinzie! It ain't fuckin' right!" Pierce yelled. He was normally pretty chill with a lot of things but absolutely nothing about this was cool with him. In all of his time as a Saint, not once did they ever just 'let shit happen'.

"Pierce, just listen to me!" she yelled back. "How else are we going to draw the program out?! This isn't just another basic system Matt and I can worm our ways into nor is it something we can just trick with a decoy of the Boss! This is alien technology and advanced coding functioning within a sentient system! We have to outwit the program to expose it and we can't do that without-"

"Without the Boss, yes, I fuckin' know that, Kinzie! I ain't as stupid as you guys want me to be! I know what you want to do! I know it may work! But in the off chance that it doesn't, I'd at least like to know we ain't puttin' the Boss's life in danger based on a fuckin' MAYBE!"

"Then what do you want us to do?!"

Pierce pinched the bridge of his nose and folded his other arm around himself, pacing. They had political arguments in the White Crib that didn't even get this heated but at the same time, they (shockingly enough) didn't have the Boss's life hanging in the balance.

Well, there was that one time after the Boss went to England, but Asha knew what she was getting into when she suggested it. The Boss warned her what would happen if anyone referred to America as 'the colonies', which is more than she did for anyone else up until her position as president.

"I want to know that it will not only work, but we can get the Boss out without anymore repercussions than there already have been!"

"I can't promise that!"

"Exactly! That's the problem!" Pierce had never been this angry before. Not at Shaundi or Gat or the Boss herself but their tech wizard was making his blood pressure rise. "I am NOT gonna let you guys put her back into her own fuckin' nightmare again just so Gat and I can pull her out of another room she's torn apart because it drove her crazy! You saw what happened and you want to force her back into that?! Fuck that! Ya'll can figure some other shit out!"

Kinzie was practically pulling her hair out of her bun at this point. She understood what Pierce was saying. She understood his reasoning but with the way this was all going, they had to take this chance. Their backs were against the wall with this.

Matt had almost folded himself completely into himself on the couch as Kinzie and Pierce went at each other's throats. He had never been good at dealing with situations like these. Yelling and screaming freaked him out. He could always feel the tension and emotions in the room rise when things like this happened and all he wanted to do was hide and he hated it. Most of the time, he hated how childlike he was and how easily panicked he could be. Matt wanted nothing more than to prove himself as an adult but his skittish personality made him react on more flight than fight and right now, he wanted to flee.

"If you guys could just let go of your fucking pride-" but Kinzie and Pierce both stopped their argument when a familiar hum met their ears. All three Saints turned to the monitor beside the couch and watched as Johnny's form morphed through the simulation door, followed by the Boss.

Pierce's stomach dropped so hard, he could swear it was on the floor. The last person he expected to let this happen was him, but there he was, leading the Boss into the park. He was practically fuming beneath his hat and quickly turned on his heel, exiting the cargo bay quickly. Kinzie rushed over to the monitor, keeping it muted so they couldn't be heard as she watched, both anxious and reluctant. Johnny turned his head in Kinzie's direction, knowing she was watching them and her and Matt stared at the monitor. They could feel Johnny's piercing gaze and they knew what it meant. This was their only shot to do what they needed and if they fucked it up, that was it.

They had ONE shot.

As Kinzie popped her knuckles and prepared to execute the plan, Matt took a deep breath and turned to the doors.

"Where are you going?" Kinzie quickly asked. "As much as I don't want to say it, I need your help here." He nodded quickly.

"I-I know. I'm just going to grab a bottle of water. Do you want one?" he asked. Kinzie furrowed her brow and shook her head, seeing Matt's evident frazzled state.

"No, I'm good. Come back quick. We have a short window of opportunity to pull this off and Johnny isn't gonna give us another one", she said as she turned back to the screen.

"Got it", Matt murmured as he stepped into the kitchen area beside the cargo bay. The second Matt was close to the counter, he leaned against it and took deep breaths, rubbing a hand over his forehead. He had always been a nervous person, but he knew that what he had been feeling lately wasn't just a little nervousness. This was anxiety. Full blown anxiety and it was not doing him any good in their current situation. Was this how the Boss felt?

"So, when are you lot going to come clean to the rest of us?" he heard a familiar voice say. In his attempts to settle himself, he failed to see his fellow MI6 agent come around the corner. Then again, as stealthy as she was, he still would've missed her even if he was paying attention. But that wasn't his concern.

"Wh-what do you m-"

"Cut the shit, Matt. You know exactly what I'm talking about. I've already heard everything Gat had to say regarding the Boss and her strange behaviors. I'm fully aware of these videos and such that you have. I'm simply wondering when you all planned to tell all of us that there was something wrong with the Boss", she said. Matt frowned and lightly glared at her.

"Of course you heard. Correct me if I'm wrong, Asha, but I clearly recall coming to you with the concern of our Boss's well being to which you lacked any type of interest whatsoever. There's no 'coming clean' when I never kept a secret in the first place. You brushed it off, I stopped informing you as I said I would. Simple as that", he said as he grabbed a water bottle from the counter he leaned against and looked at Asha with a frown before heading back into the cargo bay, taking a quick swallow from the bottle and getting to work.

Asha was quite impressed with Matt's sudden ability to find his spine when being put into a cornered position like that. She could even say proud.

But the boy still needed to watch himself when speaking to her.

* * *

Pierce was practically stomping towards the pod room, causing Shaundi to lift her head and call after him, the shift in his demeanor evident.

"Pierce! What's going on? Where are you going?" she asked. He stopped and turned to her, his fists clenched tightly.

"I'm goin' to punch Gat in the face while he's under in the simulation since it's probably the only fuckin' chance I'mma get without him hittin' me back!" he yelled. Shaundi's brow furrowed and she rose from her spot beside Keith, who also stood.

"Why are you going to punch Johnny? What happened?" Pierce's jaw clenched.

"Because he fuckin' did it, Shaundi. He led the Boss back into the simulation. They're in it right now." Keith let out a deep sigh.

"You gotta be fuckin' kidding me."

* * *

"I miss real guns, Johnny", the Boss said as they wandered the streets and she looked down at the D3th Blossoms in her hands. "Real metal and gun powder. Kickback after firing bullets. I miss that shit." She lightly chuckled to herself. "But this is still pretty sweet, too."

"Yea, well, I don't think you wanna try firin' rounds in the ship unless you want the vacuum of space to turn you into an inside out sock", he said.

They simply walked around for a short while, looking around at the city. The city the Boss took from the Syndicate. The city Johnny never got to see in person because of the alien fuckwad that was currently rotting somewhere (she totally forgot what they did with the body but the head was being kept in a jar of goo. You know, as a trophy).

"Well, since this is the closest you'll get to Steelport until we can figure out the whole time travel deal, what do you think?" the Boss asked as they strolled through the main strip. The bright neon lights reflected off of Johnny's glasses as he looked around at everything now that he could without worry of aliens attacking and he nodded.

"Gotta admit, it's a far cry from the Row we grew up on. Haven't seen a rust bucket lemon or overgrown concrete slab anywhere", he said. "And the people here are a lot better lookin', too."

"Yea, but I think that's just because there's an Image As Designed on almost every fucking corner around here." Johnny raised a brow and looked at her.

"And how the hell does everyone around here have the spare change for fuckin' cosmetic surgery?" The Boss shrugged as she drop kicked a can into the back of a program's head.

"Cause practically every other person in Steelport was selling either drugs or ass. The real question is how do you not if everyone's willing to shell out ungodly amounts of money just to get laid or high as a kite every now and then", she stated. "That's where a good chunk of our income was coming from while we were taking over. Sex sells-well, SOLD better than any product we ever came up with, so when we got Zimos on our crew, the money started flowing like water. Helped that the hos were actually attractive." The Boss's eyes wandered around at all of the programs passing them by and she relaxed a bit until something caught her peripheral vision. A program leaned back against the wall had began to fizzle and blur, which didn't bother her until the colors settled and she realized the colors weren't the same. She quickly jerked her head to the right and saw the program leaned up against the wall with a cigarette in hand and her face staring back at her from beneath it's hood.

"Wh-what the fuck...?" she murmured as her eyes widened and she moved away from it. "Johnny, do you see-", but when she turned her head, he was gone and her brain told her now was the time to panic. "Johnny? Where'd you go? Johnny?!"

"Johnny's not here", the program said to her in her own voice, frustrating the Boss. She held her gun up to the program, keeping it aimed on it's head but it simply chuckled as it flicked away the cigarette and shoved it's hands into it's jacket pockets while slowly approaching her.

"Hehehehe. You're so funny. How many times have you wanted to shoot me?" it said, taunting her. The Boss clenched her jaw, trying to keep her composure.

"Shut the fuck up." The program rolled it's eyes with a large smirk and stepped closer before leaning it's head against the barrel of her gun.

"What? You don't wanna talk about the suicidal daydreams you always had of blowing a shotgun until the walls were painted with your brain and skull bits? Or what about the ones of you diving off a bridge and becoming pudding once you smack the water's surface? I'm sure you didn't tell Johnny, or anyone, about those. You have such a vivid imagination. Ya know, my favorite one is the one you actually attempted. Remember that? It happened right aft-" The Boss squeezed the trigger of her D3th Blossom and held it down as it rapidly fired round after round through the program's forehead, causing blood to fly everywhere. She let go of the trigger, expecting the body to fall, but it stayed firmly in place and stood straight, cocking it's head to the right, nothing but a bloody, gory hole from the hairline to the middle of the bridge of it's nose facing her.

"Guess you don't wanna talk about it, huh? Hehehe. All of the times you imagined what your body would look like when it was found. IF it was found at all. Probably something similar to this, really", it said, the grin on it's face spreading. "But that would only be if they found you soon enough, say a couple hours after and if you settled on the whole gun method."

"Get the fuck away from me!" she yelled, pointing both smgs at the programs chest and holding down the triggers. The programs body violently jerked around with each hit and blood flew everywhere but it remained standing the whole time. The sickening grin on it's face remained as it suddenly crumpled to the ground, it's head making a hollow crack sound as it met concrete, the rest of what remained in the sides of it's skull spilling.

She backed away slowly, trying to keep her breathing calm until her back hit something and she quickly turned, her guns up automatically. Another doppleganger of her stood there, the same unnerving grin on it's face as the last, but this one was different. It's skin was completely grey and any shine her hair possessed was completely stripped in the lookalikes, along with her eye color. Her red and brown irises were milky, making them look almost blue. Her pale lips shifted into a familiar smirk as she took casual steps forward.

"But if you went along with the whole bleeding out thing, like you've contemplated so many other times, it'd probably look a little something like this. You know, once your body went totally cold and stiffened up and considering how you normally keep every room you sit in below fucking freezing, you'd probably be fairly well preserved. Although, maybe a bit...bluer", it said, it's joints making stomach curling creaks and pops as it moved.

The Boss kept her guns up as she carefully walked backwards away from the program, biting her lip in an attempt to keep a grip on her nerves but it was getting hard. She could feel her heart practically thumping against her ribs and sweat bead at her temples.

Panic.

* * *

"You two better be fuckin' doin' somethin' right now!" Johnny yelled as he held the Boss's limp avatar in his arms.

As they talked about Steelport and how different it was from Stilwater, he noticed the Boss suddenly stop talking and turned to see what had happened. At first, she simply stood there, eyes looking straight ahead at nothing as if she were frozen, but then, she violently jerked around a couple of times and began to fall. Johnny managed to catch her and he knew what was happening. The program took the bait.

"We are, I promise! We're working as fast as we can, just keep an eye on her avatar! Her mind is still linked to it!" Matt said in an attempt to reassure Johnny.

"Well, I wasn't really plannin' on leavin' her lyin' around!" Johnny bit back, more out of frustration than anything. Kinzie and Matt both knew that but they also knew better than to test Johnny's patience in their current situation. The sound of an alarm going off caught Johnny's attention and he looked up when he heard Matt murmur a quick 'oh, shit'.

"Oh, no", Kinzie said. "Johnny, take the Boss and head to a door as fast as you can."

He didn't take the time to ask why and hoisted the Boss into his arms before sprinting towards the closest door he could find.

"Kinzie, what's goin' on?!" he yelled as he ran.

"The Boss's heart rate skyrocketed and set off the alarm in her simulation pod", she said, her voice nervous. Johnny knew what that meant. "Johnny, we aren't going to be able to keep this under wraps anymore-"

"I know", he quickly said, not wanting to acknowledge the inevitable at the moment. As Johnny approached the door, he slowed down a bit. "Kinzie, I found a door. What do you-"

"Don't go through it yet!" she yelled. He frowned and looked up.

"If the Boss's heart rate is screamin' and everyone's wondering what the fuck is goin' on, I think we need to get through that door."

"Not yet! If you cut off the connection too abruptly, it'll fry her brain! I'm almost done, just stay by that door! I think we might have something!"

"You fuckin' better have something! I'm not doin' this again! This is your only chance!"

He wasn't fucking kidding. He set up his best friend in the hopes it would help but he knew what it may cost him and it was too steep a price for 'might' and 'maybe'.

Johnny wanted results.

* * *

The Boss sat in the middle of the street, her head buried in her knees and covered by her arms, her guns still in hand. Bodies surrounded her in almost a mandala like pattern with blood connecting them all and her own grinning face stared back at her 20 fold.

They wouldn't stop coming at her. They wouldn't stop talking. They wouldn't stop...reminding. She was panicked. She was tense.

And she was tired.

Tired of being tortured by her own brain and thoughts and this sick, twisted simulation that didn't seem to want to give her a break.

She didn't even bother to budge when footsteps approached her and stopped right in front of her before crouching down to her level and pulling her arms off her head. She knew it was another one. Another copycat. It put it's hands on the sides of her head and tilted her head back before making her look up as it grabbed her chin.

"Enough fucking around, sweetie", it said in her voice, using her smirk. Her face. Speaking her thoughts. "You know what you have to do."

At first, the Boss said nothing and looked up at it, her eyes exhausted as she slowly blinked. The copycat looked back into her eyes in a way that almost made it seem as if it were trying to pick her brain through her pupils.

"Let's not pretend you don't know what I'm talking about-" but the program fell before her as she fired a shotgun round into it's face, blowing it's head off it's shoulders. She stared at the body for a minute before replacing the shotgun with her six shooter and adjusting the barrel into her mouth.

* * *

"JOHNNY, GO NOW!" Matt screamed and Johnny dove through the door with the Boss tightly in his arms.

* * *

The Boss at first couldn't register anything after literally falling out of the simulation pod, hyperventilating continuously. Colors and sounds didn't register right and was all a muddled up mess of confusion. It took her a few seconds but as she blinked and shook her head, she began to put everything together.

Loud. Yelling. There was yelling. Everyone was yelling.

"And you kept this shit from us?! The fuck is wrong with you?! You don't keep secrets in a crew! You don't keep secrets from yo homies! That's how the Vice Kings fell!"

Ben? That was Ben. Ben was yelling.

"The only reason we didn't want everyone to know was because the Boss didn't even want us to know! Johnny was the only one that was supposed to!"

Kinzie. Kinzie and Ben were yelling at each other.

"Guys, please! Now isn't the time for this!"

Matt. Matt was trying to stop the yelling.

"And when would be the time for this, Matt? When you've done a full psychological evaluation of the Boss after her brains have gone to mush?"

Asha. Asha was mad at Matt.

"It's not like you even gave a shit in the first place, lady, so why the fuck you wanna act hurt now?!"

Pierce. Pierce was angry. Pierce had never been angry before.

"Pierce, it's not even worth it, just back up and cool off."

Shaundi. Shaundi was trying to get Pierce to calm down.

"Come on, brotha. Let's all just sit back and chill for a second. This is a lot for us to be dealin' with right now."

Keith. Keith was backing Shaundi up and trying to settle the crew.

"Quite correct. In fact, based on my data, if the Boss's heart rate went any higher, she could've gone into cardiac arrest. Would you like to see the heart monitor read out?"

CID. CID was being CID.

"No, you fuckin' glorified speaker box. Nobody wants to see the fuckin' readout, now shut the fuck up unless you're gonna be useful."

Johnny. Johnny was...holding onto her.

Her eyes adjusted and she could see the floor slightly obscured by a shoulder. She began to register touch as she realized her hands were clinging to Johnny, her left on his right shoulder and her right on his left bicep. Her face was against his left shoulder and her eyes began to wander the room, the colors finally realigning and making sense again. Flashes of what happened in the simulation flew before her eyes and her hyperventilation got worse, her hands tightening on Johnny's suit as dizziness started to make the room screwy again. The rest of the crew began to quiet down as they heard her heavy breaths and looked around at each other, distressed and anxious as they knew they could do nothing at the moment.

"Boss", she heard Johnny say. She couldn't respond. "Boss, I need ya to listen to me and calm down." She wanted to respond. Wanted to tell him she couldn't no matter how badly she wanted to but the inability to speak only made the panic worse as her hands twisted into his suit, making her stitches strain.

Johnny racked his brain, trying to think of something to get her to calm down before she either had a heart attack or passed out. It took him a second but he managed to come up with something.

"Boss, can you hear me?" He felt her head go up and down against his shoulder as she desperately clinged to him. "Okay, look, I need you to do somethin' for me, okay? You listenin'?" Again, she shook her head, leaning her forehead against his shoulder fully as the dizziness got worse. "Alright, Boss. I need ya to breathe with me, okay? In through the nose, out through the mouth. Think you can handle that?" This time, she shook her head no. Her mind was too steeped in the panic to register anything remotely calming. "Come on, Boss, I need you to do this for me. I'll do it with you if I gotta, but I need you to do this." Johnny was beginning to feel the panic as well, but he kept himself in check. It wouldn't be the first time he had to keep his shit under control in a tight situation and he was a master at keeping a pokerface. Though at this point, it was really being put to the test. "Come on. I need you to do this with me." He took a deep breath in and slowly exhaled, trying to get her to copy him. "You've been blown up and shot before, I know you can handle breathing, Boss."

The rest of the crew watched nervously at what was playing out. The toughest man in practically the entire galaxy was trying to bring the soul surviving leader of the human race down from a panic attack and at that point, everything started becoming clear.

"This is what we didn't want you to see. What she didn't want you to see", Kinzie quietly said to the rest of the crew by her side. She turned to them and saw how uncomfortable and tense they had become. Pierce had seated himself at a monitor, his head leaned against his hand and his shoulders tense. Asha had leaned against the wall and crossed her arms, looking at the floor to keep her face steeled. Each crew member remained quiet as they watched what was playing out.

"One more time, try it", Johnny said, holding onto the Boss. He took a deep breath and let it out and felt her back rise and fall beneath his hand rapidly. "Slower. Come on. Slow down just a little bit." The Boss tried again, her breathing still rapid. At first, each breath she took was riddled with hiccups and her hands winding in Johnny's suit, not even feeling how the stitches in her hands were pulling the more she clenched her fists in frustration at the lack of control she had over her body. "You're gettin' there. Keep goin'", he said, continuing the deep breaths. The Boss's breaths slowed a bit more as she kept trying to copy Johnny's breaths and the dizziness started to fade away. The slower her breaths, the clearer her vision became, allowing her to process that her vision was blurry because her eyes had been watering so much during her panic attack. Johnny continued to breathe with her, not even thinking about whether or not he looked like a pussy or if it looked like he'd gone soft. Reputation didn't matter right now. His Boss and best friend mattered right now. A few more moments and her breathing was finally normal again. The hyperventilation stopped and she went a bit limp in his hold, causing him to worry again, but he saw that she was still awake and by the looks of it, absolutely exhausted.

Nobody said anything. Everything they had just seen was almost too much to take in and they could all practically feel the Boss's sudden drain. As the Boss began to look around her, she lifted her head and drew back a bit from Johnny, seeing the worried looks on her crew's faces. She was so exhausted, but she could still feel herself grow cold, knowing they had just witnessed what she was trying so hard for so long to hide. But how?

"Why...why are you all in here?" she slowly asked. Everyone looked around at each other for a moment, trying to decide who would speak first.

"Your heart rate went up while you were in the simulation and the alarm went off", Matt said, hoping that would put an end to the questioning before it could go further. But it didn't.

"How did you know I was in the simulation in the first place?" she asked.

"You two were the only ones plugged into it", Kinzie answered. The Boss looked at the two geniuses for a moment, her expression blank.

"And if that's the case, why didn't you guys take me out of it first instead of Johnny catching me?"

Matt swallowed and felt a chill down his back. It was inevitable. He looked to Johnny and Johnny looked back. They both knew it. She was gonna figure it out.

"You guys...were watching, weren't you?"

Nobody responded. Her eyes turned to Johnny and back to Kinzie and Matt.

"You knew they'd be watching...didn't you, Johnny? You said before they'd be busy with something else and...and you were out before I was. They could've taken me out and that would've been it but...everyone is in here. Everyone...everyone knows now..." Realization dawned on her and her expression became void of anything and everything as she rose on her own, pushing Johnny's hands away from her and backing away. Johnny rose as well and took a step forward, knowing what was about to happen.

"Boss-"

"You set me up..."

Shaundi clenched her eyes shut and went to the front of the crew, putting a hand on Pierce's shoulder to get his attention.

"We need to go, guys", she said. Nobody said anything more or objected as they all left the room, leaving Johnny and the Boss to talk.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading this (if by some chance people ARE still reading this).**

 **Please review. It really helps and I appreciate it when people tell me their thoughts.**

 **Thank you.**


	13. Breakdown

**Boss: It's been a while I know and I'm sorry. Life has been relentlessly punching me in the dick and catching free time in between dick punches is getting a little hard. Buuuuut here is the next chapter for you guys.**

 **Please read and review.**

 **Enjoy.**

* * *

The room was silent. So painfully, gut-wrenchingly silent. The Boss and Johnny simply stood, looking at each other.

He knew this was going to happen. She was sharp and after what happened with Julius, picking up on things became second nature for her. It was the only way she could proactively protect herself from the chance of betrayal again.

The problem was that she never expected she would ever have to protect herself from him.

He wanted to say something in an attempt to defend himself, but the way the Boss was looking at him made it nearly impossible. Her expression remained neutral, blank even, but...it was her eyes. Her red brown orbs were shining like glass as they watered almost to the point of overflowing. It was fucking him up. It was fucking him up so bad because he knew why. He knew what he had done and knew what she was thinking as he heard those droplets fall against her suit in the quiet room. He knew he was the cause of it.

She didn't say a word. Only stood there and looked at him. She was giving him the opportunity to explain why and the way he struggled to even utter a sound told her he didn't know how to. Johnny had never been put in the position where he had to explain himself before. He never had to nor was he ever made to.

"Boss, I...I'm sorry", he finally sighed, actually meaning it for once but the words never failing to make his stomach turn.

"...for what, Johnny?" she said, her tone flat as if nothing was there anymore. "For luring me in or for doing it knowing what would happen?" That stung on his end but he couldn't be upset.

"We had to, Boss. It was the only way we could-"

"You could've just asked me", she said, staring blankly at him. "You could've just asked and I would've gone in, even if it fucked me up." Johnny shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut.

"No, Boss. We couldn't", he said as he folded his arms around himself.

"I don't believe that, Johnny. You're gonna have to tell me what they told you for me to believe that." She knew he had been given a reason as to why she couldn't be told and it only served to both exhaust and frustrate Johnny the way she already knew that too.

"Because when you're under, that fuckin' computer is IN your head. It's keepin' track of the shit you're thinkin' and feelin' so if you went in there with the intention to find it or fight it, it would've already planned for it. It's learned about you, Boss."

"In other words, you guys used me as a fucking guinea pig this time around."

His mouth started to form the words 'no, we didn't' but he stopped himself. They did. That's exactly what they had done to her and if he were to deny it, he would only be lying to her face and rubbing salt into the wound.

Neither one knew what else to say to the other. Johnny had no way to justify what they had done. The Boss was beyond reasoning with anymore. Again, the silence took over and the Boss looked to the floor, her eyes no longer glassy. Just hollow. She nodded before turning away, heading towards the doors to leave the ship. Johnny made no effort to stop her as he heard the doors quickly slide shut and her metallic footsteps fade away.

He felt sick. He felt...upset.

* * *

The rest of the crew sat in the living room, nobody saying a word. They heard the Boss's footsteps head out of the ship and the doors slide open and shut, signaling her departure. Everyone looked around at each other as if asking what to do now and Shaundi rose from her spot.

"Pierce, come with me", she said. He wordlessly got up and followed her out of the living room. They stopped beside the staircase and Shaundi looked up at the pod room then back to Pierce.

"I'm gonna go talk to the Boss. You talk to Johnny", she said. Pierce frowned.

"Shaundi, this ain't a good idea. This was really fucked up and I-", he said, but Shaundi shut her eyes tightly and held up her hand.

"We can be as pissed as we want to once we're no longer at risk of the fucking crew falling apart after this wonderful little reveal. I know you're pissed", she sighed,"I am too. But us being mad isn't important right now. Go talk to Johnny WITHOUT being an ass or pissing him off and I'll go find the Boss." Pierce crossed his arms in thought before letting out a sigh and nodding, making his way up the stairs. Shaundi leaned back into the living room where everyone continued to sit in silence.

"We're going to talk to the Boss and Johnny. Kinzie, Matt...Fill them in", she said. Kinzie's shoulders slumped a bit at how everything was playing out and how she now had no choice but to reveal everything they had been trying to keep quiet but she nodded and rose from her spot on the floor to get her laptop. Shaundi watched Kinzie leave the room and saw the way Matt rubbed his eyes. Even all of his eyeliner couldn't hide the bags that began forming under his eyes and she really felt for them but turned and made her way off the ship to find the Boss.

* * *

Pierce was pissed. He wasn't normally an angry person. Maybe occasionally annoyed and could get loud about it, but never pissed and yet, the passed few days he had been nothing but pissed. He didn't think he'd be able to shake the feeling at all as the doors to the pod room opened but upon seeing the toughest Saint in the crew seated in a chair with his elbows on the monitor desk and his head in his hands looking almost defeated, a lot of the anger slowly dissipated. Pierce had never seen Johnny in what could almost be described as a vulnerable state, but the way he sat there wearily as if sitting up in the chair was a balancing act, Pierce had to cut him some slack (and not just because he knew the man could break his jaw in one swing).

"Whadda you want, Pierce?" he heard him say. "Don't know if you noticed or not, but now ain't exactly a good time." Pierce sighed and took the seat beside him, keeping some space between them just in case.

"I know. I came to check up on you, see if you were aight. That...that was some serious shit, Johnny", he said, making him look up at him.

"That all you came in here to say? I don't need remindin' on how badly I fucked up. I'm well aware of it, now do me a favor and fuck o-"

"Why?" Pierce didn't need to explain what he meant. Johnny knew.

"Because what the fuck other options do we got, Pierce?!" he suddenly snapped, slamming his fist down onto the table. Pierce jumped slightly but stayed in his spot, albeit nervously as Johnny turned to him. "What else can I fucking do?! Huh?! I'm not lettin' this get any worse than it already has!"

Johnny began to get antsy and rose from his spot, pacing a bit, smoothing a hand over his hair.

"Johnny", Pierce said. Johnny turned to him to see his brow furrowed in worry. "It already has, man. Look at everything that's happened. It's BEEN getting worse. And I don't think there's a way we can prevent it. All we can do is try to stop it." Pierce couldn't be mad at him anymore. He didn't like that he went ahead with Kinzie's plan anyway, but at the same time, no other option was presented to them and if there was anything he knew Johnny couldn't do, it was sit aside and wait for something to happen.

The room fell quiet again. A quiet understanding had been reached but Pierce knew Johnny had more on his mind. He could almost hear the man thinking.

"I'm not gonna lose her too, Pierce", he suddenly said. Pierce remained silent, letting him talk as he realized what he meant by that statement. "If losin' the trust of my best friend is what it takes to keep her alive, then I'll do it. It's gonna hurt like a mothafucka but I'd rather live with that than live with knowin' that she died because she was driven crazy by a fuckin' machine when we had a chance to do somethin' about it. As long as she lives."

Johnny was never one to make an effort to assure someone lived before. He couldn't care less about a life if he tried. At least, he thought so. Turns out, he was wrong.

"I ain't expectin' her to let this one go, either, Pierce. Shit like this ain't supposed to happen in a crew. Not in the Saints. Not to us. Not again..."

"Johnny..." Pierce finally said. "If this is really how we're playin' this...then where do we go from here?"

Pierce still had his back.

* * *

Shaundi's heels tapped quickly down the halls of the main ship in search of the Boss. Not many Zin were around to tell her where she may have went so it was up to Shaundi to just pick a direction and see where it led her, which was frustratingly nowhere. She took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to settle her shot nerves enough to think clearly.

"If I were the Boss, where would I go to get away from everyone?" she quietly murmured to herself. When the Boss wanted to be left alone, she would pick a direction and drive in it and see where it took her but that wasn't necessarily an option anymore, taking the possibility off the list. A thought dawned on her and she once again took off down the hall in search of a Zin troop to speak to.

"Hey!" she shouted as she turned the corner to see a troop on patrol. He stopped and turned quickly upon seeing Shaundi. "The ship's armory. Where is it?" The Zin troop looked a little uncomfortable at the question and Shaundi rolled her eyes. "Relax, nobody is gonna die this time. I just need to know where it is." He turned and pointed to a staircase going down below the main floor they were on.

"Just head down there and take a left. It'll be the large door straight ahead", he responded. Shaundi nodded as she headed towards the stairs.

"Thank you", she said as she quickly headed down the stairs. The sound of laser shot through the door as she drew closer told her that her hunch may have been correct and she would (hopefully) find the Boss within. The doors slid open and Shaundi headed inside, the sight of racks of weapons of all types (the fucking english language, ladies and gentlemen. It's a gem, isn't it?) greeting her. Laser shot began to get louder as she headed further into the room and through another door that led to what looked to be a shooting range and lo and behold, at the last slot in the room stood the Boss, her eyes straight ahead as she shot hole after hole into the target at the end of the runway ahead of her.

Shaundi observed her for a second. This was new. They had dealt with these similar behaviors with her after the plane incident, but never from the Boss. In a way, it was strange for Shaundi to see the Boss have to put effort into dealing with her thoughts and feelings when before, it was almost as if she didn't have any or didn't care. However, the bandaged hand clenched around the laser pistol told her she cared far more than anybody ever truly realized. The shots finally stopped but the Boss maintained her position, her eyes still on the target.

"Yes, Shaundi?" she said stoically. She almost didn't want to move from her spot the way the Boss spoke to her suddenly and it reminded her of when she first joined.

"I just came to check on you", she started. "We heard you leave the ship."

"I'm fine", she snipped, reloading the laser pistol without even looking down and continuing her target practice. Shaundi frowned. She never really understood why that statement annoyed so many people until now and silently agreed with herself to stop using it.

"Boss...please", but the Boss didn't budge.

"I said I'm fine, Shaundi", the Boss said, but the increasingly more rapid laser shots disagreed. "Just leave me alone right now."

Shaundi didn't know what to do. She was stuck between sympathy and frustration. She completely understood the Boss wanting to be left alone.

"Boss, can you please just put the gun down for a second and talk to me?" Shaundi pleaded but the Boss continued what she was doing.

"There's nothing to talk about, Shaundi. It's over and done with already. Just go."

Shaundi's temper won over and she stomped over to the Boss before snatching the gun from her and slamming it down onto the counter, forcing the Boss to turn her attention to her lieutenant with an exasperated sigh. The sight of the Boss's still slightly puffy and red eyes made Shaundi's temper cool down a bit and she took a deep breath before talking.

"Yes, there is, obviously. But I'm not going to harass you about all of that right now. I'm not going to drill you or question you or even yell at you for anything. I'm not going to tell you you have to talk to Johnny and make up. None of that", she said gently. "I'm not even here to check on my Boss. I'm here to make sure my friend is okay."

At first, they just stood there, looking at each other in silence, but soon, the Boss's face began to twist and fidget into an expression of pure struggle against the urge to cry again.

"...I never wanted this, Shaundi", she croaked out. "I never wanted you guys to see this...It was supposed to stay between me and the brick wall and...I..."

"Boss", Shaundi gently said. "Why didn't you tell us? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Would you really have continued to follow me, knowing that I was not only a 'sociopath' but also a major depressive anxiety ridden sociopath? Would you have taken me seriously and followed me as long as you have with that knowledge?" the Boss asked, her voice cracking more and more. Shaundi stayed quiet and looked at the floor. The Boss squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head.

"I didn't think so. Nobody would've. Not even my most trusted lieutenants. But now it's all out there, so you guys can decide what you want to do with that. Just..." Her eyes began to water again and she was stuck in a swirling vortex of anger, frustration, sadness, and anxiety, only serving to make it worse. "Just go back to the ship or wherever you were going before and leave me alo-" but a pair of arms wrapped around her head and pulled her to her lieutenant, her temple against a collarbone. She was confused at first. Human contact wasn't the Boss's strong suit and she often didn't know what to do when it happened but for some reason, she couldn't find it in her to pull away. The hand gently running through her hair repeatedly made her stay in place and even bring her arms around Shaundi's waist to cling to the back of her suit as her eyes began to spill over again.

"Go ahead", Shaundi said in a tone that could be compared to that of a mother's. "You can let it out. It's okay. I get it."

The Boss couldn't remember the last time she cried so hard for so long.

* * *

"What do we do now?" Ben asked once the crew finished soaking up everything Kinzie and Matt had to show and tell them. "If this is happening because of the simulation, why don't we just keep her out of it?" Kinzie shook her head.

"Because now, it's putting in the effort to torment her in other ways. Not just in the simulation. That video you saw of her in that room? There was something in the monitor instigating that freakout. It's moving beyond the simulation", she said.

"And the fact that it has artificial intelligence means it's fully aware of what it's doing. It was implemented somehow with this objective", Matt added. Asha's brow furrowed as she sat in thought, running the information through her mind in order to come up with a theory as footsteps approached the room and Pierce returned with Johnny.

Johnny looked around the room and noticed Shaundi and the Boss missing but said nothing, turning his attention to Kinzie and Matt.

"They know everything now, right?" he asked. Kinzie nodded.

"Matt and I are going through everything from the last simulation visit now."

"And?" Matt's eyebrows raised and he took a deep breath.

"Oh, there is DEFINITELY anomalies in the code but the security around it is something entirely different from the basic programs in place in the regular simulation. We're going to need some time to hack through it to find what it's hiding." Johnny crossed his arms.

"Do whatever you gotta, just find it so we can get rid of it", he said, his tone mildly uptight. Ben ran his hands over his head with a sigh and turned to Asha, noticing her still deep in thought.

"You got any ideas, girl? You look like you're onto somethin'", he asked. Asha rose from her spot and began to slowly pace, causing Johnny to raise a brow.

"If you got any ideas, we're all ears", he said. She turned to Matt quickly.

"Matt, when we first began to interfere with the simulation, did you or Kinzie find anything strange or similar to this in the system? Anything odd that had to be rewritten or similar?" she asked. Both hackers took a moment to think back over everything they had gone through during their time on the ship. "There has to be something. A rewritten security protocol or a suspicious looking line of code." Kinzie shook her head.

"No. The Zin systems run through a fairly complex yet consistent program. Nothing out of place that would raise alarm", she said. Asha suddenly became excited, as if something clicked.

"And if that's the case, what if this is some kind of fail safe?" Johnny stepped forward.

"Whadda you mean 'fail safe'?" he asked.

"Prior to our assassination mission for Cyrus Temple, we had been working on another assignment in order to stop another terrorist attempt targeting the UN. While we had succeeded in the elimination of the head of the terrorist group, he had a fail safe activated in the event of his death that we were luckily able to stop before it was carried out." Matt's eyes widened and it had dawned on him what she was getting at.

"Jesus Christ, Zinyak planned for the possibility of his death. He had a contingency plan in place that must've been activated once the Boss finished him off in order to assure her torment and possible death and the simulation is trying to carry it out. But because of it's sentience, we can't predict, manipulate, or even figure out how to deactivate it", he said as his fingers flew wildly over his keyboard. Kinzie followed Matt's lead and began to go through the recording of the Boss's last visit to the simulation, determined to sort out the anomalies. Pierce shook his head and headed out of the ship.

"Yo, Pierce. Where you goin'?" Johnny asked.

"To find Zinjai"

* * *

 **Boss: Wow. Yea, sorry for the long ass wait. Everything since the holidays has been batshit crazy and I've been working a lot. I promise this isn't abandoned, I just haven't had the time to update as much. Anyway, thank you for reading. Please review. Ideas and suggestions are welcomed as well.**

 **Thanks.**


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